Disowning Jeremy Jacobs' Boston Bruins: Help Me Find a New Hockey Team

Rumors were floating around Boston last week that the honorable (cough) Jeremy Jacobs was thinking about selling the Boston Bruins.

For a few seconds, I thought there was a chance I’d have my hockey team back again.

But alas, it wasn’t to be.

You see, the multi-billionaire was just trying to figure out the full value of his cash-cow.  What he discovered (according to the Boston Globe) was that should he put the Bruins and everything associated with the Bruins for sale, the starting price would be a whopping $1 billion dollars.

Don’t forget, he doesn’t just own a hockey team.  He owns a building, a bunch of land, and a large stake in a regional sports network (NESN).

Translation:  He’s not selling.  Ever.

He’s even discussing openly how he’s going to ease the tax burden on his kids when they inherit the team.

I like some of the things the Bruins have done.  I like bringing in Cam Neely—even if his only role on the team is to high-five Peter Chiarelli’s head off after playoff goals.  I like a lot of the young players.  I’m a big fan of Milan Lucic.

I even started enjoying Bruins games again—a little—in the playoffs last season.

But I know how this goes.  They’ll get me hooked, then they’ll pull the rug out from under me.  I refuse to allow this to happen again.

So finally, after twenty-nine years, it’s come to this:  I need a new hockey team.

I have to get emotionally involved with some other hockey team so that I don’t run the risk of getting sucked back into the Boston Bruins next season.

So I’m looking for suggestions.  I’ve come up with the following criteria:

My new team can’t be one of the best teams from last season

I refuse to be labeled a bandwagon jumper, so Pittsburgh and Detroit are both out.  I’m also ruling out Dallas and Philadelphia, just to be safe.

My new team can’t be a Bruin rival

I can’t imagine rooting for the Montreal Canadiens.  Even though I already ruled them out, I could never, ever root for the Flyers.  I’m also not interested in the Devils, Rangers, or Sabres.

It has to be a US-based team

I have nothing against Canada, but I can’t root for a team if its hometown fans sing during games.  I’m sorry, it’s just a thing I have.  So all of the Canadian teams are out.

It can’t be a team I harbor any hatred towards (rational or irrational) from my Bruins fan days

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