Man Comes Out of Five-Month Coma, Thinks Sports Illustrated Is Practical Joke

Things are never dull in the NFL or in the unbalanced mind of Jim Cantrell. Find out for yourself in this latest satire.

by Jim Cantrell (Columnist)

417 reads

Humor

July 12, 2008

A coma, the doctor said. Five months of my life gone, she said.

Wow.

I guess it really wasn't such a good idea to drink 32 cocktails of Heineken mixed with bacon grease and vomit, after all.

(Although that was one heck of a Super Bowl tailgate party! And what's five months, really? I've had bowel movements that lasted longer...)

Oh well, I guess I'll just flip open this incredibly out of date Sports Illustrated magazine someone left here and pass the time by catching up on...

GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!!!

The Giants won the...with Eli? But they were...and everyone said they...and there was destiny and Brady and...and...

Oh...OH! I get it. Ha ha!

Okay! Ha ha ha! They got me. Yeah, those jerks really got me good. They sure went to a lot of trouble for a bad practical joke, though.

I do have to admit that Photoshop sure has been upgraded since I took a vacation at the naptime diet farm. But seriously, that picture of the guy no one's ever heard of who supposedly played on the Giants?

The one catching the football with the top of his helmet? That's a dead give-away. I mean, come on...even Tony Romo's girlfriend Jessica Simpson wouldn't believe that one. (Note to self, find out if Romo and Jessica finally got married.)

Oh well. "Giants win." Ha! Ridiculous.

Let's check out the local sports page and see what's...

Oh my god! THEY'RE TOO MUCH!

Brett Favre retires? And unretires? And text messages the team? And asks for his release to play for one of the Packers' rivals? And is told he can come back but can't start?

That's not even believable.

Pathetic.

Todd and Pete sure put a lot of effort into making these articles look authentic, but they should've spent a little more time on the jokes. This stuff is just stupid, man. You'd have to be a Canadian football fan to fall for them.

Okay, let's see if there's anything real in here at all...

Cedric Benson cut with only a rookie behind him on the depth chart? Uh, yeah.

Javon Walker mugged and left for dead the week before OTAs? Right.

Ronnie Brown expected to start in Miami after having ACL surgery in the middle of last season, and Ricky Williams is going to back him up? Whatever.

The NFL owners unanimously reject the current collective-bargaining agreement? Mmmm-hmmm...

Okay. Now I'm getting irritated. Who do those guys take me for, anyway? Matt Millen?

The next thing you know, they'll probably send an orderly in to tell me that they've both committed suicide, just like they jokingly said they would if Al Davis drafted another running back with the Raiders' first pick. Man, they are so lame.

And I am going to tell them that just as soon as they get their sorry butts over here.

Gee, I wonder what's taking them so long...

Humor

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comments (13) write a comment »

reply to comment by Michoel
about 1 month ago

Funny! I gotta say, this perspective of what has gone on recently in the NFL is hilarious. Good job!
1. by Jim
  from about 1 month ago
  
  Thanks, Michael. Glad you got a chuckle. :)
reply to comment by Michael
about 1 month ago

very funny... anything is possible in the NFL though just look what happened with the Giants
1. by Jim
  from about 1 month ago
  
  Thanks, Michael. Glad you got a chuckle. :)
  
  Woah! Did anybody else just have a deja vu experience?
reply to comment by Justin
about 1 month ago

Pac man's a cowboy?????!!!!!!

No wait, that is believable.

of course, he's the artist formerly known as pac man now.

funny read, btw.
reply to comment by Alan
about 1 month ago

haha great article, jim. yeah you should've put something in there about pac-man.... i mean "Adam' jones. lol
reply to comment by Kevin
about 1 month ago

Funny article!
reply to comment by Ben
about 1 month ago

Jim,

Coupled with Greg, you two are far-and-away the funniest on this site. Keep it up!

Ben
1. by Jim
  from about 1 month ago
  
  Thanks for the compliment, Ben. And thanks for reading. :)
reply to comment by Andrew
about 1 month ago

Excellent work, Jim!
reply to comment by Greg
about 1 month ago

Chris Henry in trouble with the law and cut by the Bengals?

Well, some things still make sense...

YEA Jim, glad you're back, man!
reply to comment by Jacob
28 days ago

If you hadn't said that about the bacon grease Super Bowl party, I would have said this article was the most hilarious thing Trent Green had ever written.
1. by Jim
  from 27 days ago
  
  That's just wrong. ;)