A Knuckle Dragger's Guide to Being a Good Fan: The Dos and Don'ts

Larry Burton (Panama City Beach, FL) To some, you simply can't take fandom too far, so this article is not for you. But to one still deciding what's proper and what's not, please read on.

Here are the top five things not to do, followed by the top five things to do according to this author, a certified knuckle dragger and experienced fan.

5. Taking bed sheets to the game with messages to hold up is not cool. The people behind you aren't thrilled to see the back of your sheet every time you think a camera is pointed your way. And though you can't really have a whole sheet shoved down your throat, I've seen at least a quarter of it go down before security broke it up.

4. Going shirtless on a freezing day to show how tough you are does not get the reaction you were hoping for. Sorry, but that only shows how stupid you are. Nobody is wishing they were tough like you, they are just glad you're not their son.

3. Standing the whole game doesn't show your faithfulness. It shows your back to a few dozen people behind you. Stadiums are designed for people to see the field while sitting down. Standing and cheering after a big play's OK, just don't forget what your butt what designed for or people behind you will remind you where they can put their foot.

2. Loud noise makers are not cute. I once sat in front of a guy with an air horn, the second time he blasted it was his last. I sincerely hope a good dentist can fix his teeth and apologise for my over reaction.

1. Body painting yourself with a matching Afro is not only offensive to black people, but to anyone who sees you. It does not make your coach, your team, or your mama proud. It does rub off on everything around you and if you've never noticed, it does not impress the girls. I have yet to see a guy all painted up with a hot girl next to him.

Now for the five things you could and should do.

5. Stay sober, at least until the end of the game, then nobody cares. There's lots of room to stumble and throw up in then.

4. Show emotion and yell your butt off at the appropriate times. Fan noise can help their team by not allowing the opposing team to call an audible at the line. If it's third and nine, the opponent's down by four with the ball, less than two minutes to go, and you're sitting within arms length of me with your legs crossed reading the game program, you're liable to have something to yell about for real.

3. Wear colors to the game, team colors. Teams like looking up into a sea of crimson, or blue, or black, or whatever the team color is. It also intimidates the other fanbase.

2. Now one for the ladies. You can't show too much cleavage, and jumping up and down at appropriate times is perfectly acceptable. Short skirts only add to the appeal.

1. If you can't be a fan in person, be one where you are. Throw a party, go to a party, or just be the party wherever you are. Football season is too short to miss enjoying a season full of it.