What's a Sport? Simple!

jeff tydemanAnalyst IJuly 3, 2008

Finally, an easy question posed by the Bleacher Report Brain Trust. A simple question for a simple man—I like my beer cold, my neck red, and my homosexuals FLA-ming!*

And equally simple is the answer to said question—a sport is an unscripted event for amusement/diversion involving hand-eye coordination.

The Big Four are: football, baseball, basketball, and hockey.

So is soccer, golf, racing, bowling, and tennis.

Greco-Roman wrestling is in there, track and field and skiing and skating and boarding of all types. Yachting is in there too. Sailing.

Competitive bass-fishing? Give me a hand to an eye. Yup!

Surfing. Canoeing. Diving. Skating. Boat racer? Come on in. Ping pong? You're there dude!

Hunting? I never argue with someone with a rifle in his hands.

Boxing is in there, and you don't like it, meet me outside! Marathons, the martial arts and the mixed martial arts.

Not so fast poker!!! Sure, it's dramatic and requires brains, or at a minimum a sound grasp of odds, but where's ANY sort of athleticism? Didn't think so.

Pro Wrestling, you have athleticism, but not an undetermined outcome. For shame, Vince McMahon!

Anything in a James Bond movie qualifies as a sport, as do your polo and cricket and other foo-foo sports. Your fox-hunters etc.

Even rich guys have to get their 'compete' on, and I don't mean in the number of zeroes in your bank account.

"Survivor" and "Dancing With The Stars" aren't sports only because there's a script involved at some level no matter how rudimentary.

Rugby is DEFINITELY a sport.

But you know what absolutely, positively, one-hundred-per cent IS NOT a sport?

The national shame that is the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.

The next time some terrorist attacks US interests somewhere around the globe, and you remark to a friend or co-worker, 'why do they hate us so much?', this is the comeback to that.

Shoving a bunch of low-quality franks that innocent animals were killed for in your fat ugly face as fast as you can while other people are starving isn't just sick and immoral, it's really SICK and REALLY immoral.

This country puts people in jail for smoking pot and yet we allow this obscenity to go on, and ESPN televises it?

May history have mercy on our souls, for Our Creator won't!!!

I can only hope those piggish freaks suffer from horribly distended colons and terrible bowel movements for weeks after their horrific meeting with infamy.

If an ambulance has to chose between one of these 'pro eaters' in encephalitic shock outside Nathan's or some junkie flopping around on a dirty South Beach bar floor, I can only hope good sense prevails and they come get me at the bar!

P.S. *from the The Simpsons (the best show ever)

P.P.S. Extra shame on you ESPN...does ratings justify anything? How about how much cocaine an addict can snort, or how many children a pedophile can molest in a twelve hour span, or how many kittens you can stomp on at once...

Sickening really, if you think about it.

Unfortunately, I do :(