Juiceboxing 101: Top 10 Juiciest Heavyweights
Nobody who reads this is unfamiliar with the concept of a MMA Top 10 ranking system. Everybody and their dog has a Top 10 in each division, more often than not based on recent wins and implied position on the UFC roster.
The problem with that is, most Top 10s look almost identical. So I decided to switch things up a little bit.
The credentials for a “juicy” fighter do depend a great deal on win-loss records and current momentum inside the cage or ring. However, as you’ll find out if you don’t bail in the next 30 seconds, a large part of being a juicy fighter is the ability to make waves in the world of mixed martial arts.
In other words, it’s an indisputable system, because it makes sense solely to the author.
A good storyline can be just as juicy as a victory. Because of this, a fighter’s juicy rating is basically changing on a weekly basis. So this will be an occasional measurement of the current juice levels of each division.
Starting with the big guys.
Juiceboxing 101’s Top 10 Juiciest Heavyweights:
1. Herschel Walker (0-0 MMA, 98% Juicy)
See what I mean about the record not being everything in this list?
Walker may have never participated in an MMA fight as of yet, but when it comes to shaking the very foundation of the sport, Walker has MMA by both hands.
His Juicy Rating will, no doubt, drop dramatically after his fight on Jan. 30, win or lose. As of right now, though, for better or worse, Walker’s the talk of the town.
2. Brock Lesnar (4-1 MMA, 95% Juicy)
Brock Lesnar may not fight as often as some champions, but then again, since when do UFC champions fight more than a few times a year?
Brock’s currently an inactive fighter, but due to his wild voodoo stomach-bug, Brock has stayed in the headlines.
Brock may be well on his way to birthing an alien, and a lot of us flat-out hate him, but we’re going to talk about him.
3. Bobby Lashley (4-0 MMA, 86% Juicy)
I know. It sucks to see guys who are barely considered fighters so high on a list. But Lashley is so effin Juicy right now, the athletic commission is denying guys fights with him due to the fact that he beats so much ass.
I’m not sure whether or not that’s a good thing. It almost gives away the fact that they’re feeding Bobby some shit fighters.
Regardless, the fact that he’s another crossover star makes him much juicier than most fighters.
4. Frank Mir (13-4 MMA, 83% Juicy)
Mir’s been surprisingly juicy the past few years, even when Brock’s masturbation-punching a hole in his face.
Mir’s an excellent trash-talker, and a very talented MMA fighter who can’t seem to stay out of the UFC Heavyweight Top Three for too long.
His dominance of Cheick Kongo and placement in the Interim Title fight inject Mir with enough juice to land him at No. 4.
5. Shane Carwin (11-0 MMA, 80% Juicy)
Lesnar’s tummy-ache has stalled Shane’s momentum for the time being. Two title shots went to the wayside, by no fault of his own. The hype train slammed into a wall.
The big fight became Brock vs. His Intestines, not Brock vs. Carwin.
The train has been rebuilt in the form of an interim title fight pitting Carwin and Mir against one another, and a title fight announcement is good enough to keep Carwin at No. 5.
6. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (33-5 MMA, 76% Juicy)
Big Nog has been passed over for the interim title fight, and since Randy Couture dropped in weight, he’s become the resident old fart of the heavies.
Fortunately, he’s an old fart who can still go.
He’s coming off a big win over Randy in what many consider the 2009 Fight of the Year, and he’s the first name on the UFC 110 promo.
Big Nog lacks the personality and shenanigans outside of the octagon to remain a top Juicy Heavyweight, so he’s going to have to build his name back up in the cage.
7. Junior Dos Santos (10-1 MMA, 74% Juicy)
His name may not appear beside a Mir or Nogueira just yet, but it’s impossible to ignore this kid. Dos Santos is on a scary tear right now.
The UFC brass has decided to feed him fellow Brazilian Gabriel Gonzaga next.
Gonzaga has a history of ruining the UFC’s plans, however, and may steal some of Dos Santos’ juice on March 21 on Versus.
8. Roy Nelson (14-4 MMA, 70% Juicy)
While he’s still a few big wins away from the No. 8 spot in a normal Top 10, Nelson has made some waves in the UFC this far. King-sized waves.
His ascension in the tournament on Spike TV was viewed by millions, and it culminated with a big knockout victory over fellow finalist Brendan Schaub.
He’s an experienced fighter and former IFL champion outside of the UFC, and the fight against the 6’11” Stefan Struve is much bigger a fight than most Ultimate Fighters receive upon winning the show. It’s also sure to be a physical mismatch of PRIDE proportions.
It’s Nelson’s time to shine. He may never be this juicy again.
9. Cain Velasquez (7-0 MMA, 64% Juicy)
Cain has plundered the heavyweight division for juice and scored big in 2009, raiding and draining the likes of Cheick Kongo, Ben Rothwell, and Denis Stojnić.
He’s also being targeted as the UFC’s Latino poster boy since Roger “This is Iron Fist!” Huerta bailed.
Let’s see if he’s pillaged by Big Nog at 110 in Australia.
10. Fedor Emelianenko (31-1 MMA, 60% Juicy)
It’s a known fact.
Every minute, of every day, some MMA fan, somewhere in the world, is thinking, talking, or writing about the Last Emperor.
Well, it’s probably true anyways. Being the greatest fighter of all-time will always keep you on the tip of the MMA tongue (MMA tongue?), even between fights.
Fedor has made his biggest impact on MMA in the cage and by word of mouth on the internet, rather than biting referees or being super fat.
So there are the 10 Juiciest Heavyweights in MMA right now. I’ll be covering the Light-Heavyweights in a few days.
Hope you enjoyed the heavy flow of juice I just left on ya.
Justin “The Juice” Orel
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