Roast Of Tom Cable (from Nov. 3)

If I told you that the head coach of the Raiders was a violent and abusive human being, would you be surprised? No. I mean, I'd be pissed too if I had to coach a team where my owner was still convinced JaMarcus Russell is good. This is why I thought it was fitting that he decked the shit out of one of his assistant coaches. However, reports are coming out that he abuses his spouses and this is where I must make fun of every single person involved here.

First, let me make fun of the assistant coach who personally knows Tom Cables fist. Listen, he is a scary man and there is no reason to argue with him; I don't care if he says that they look good this year, you need to shut the hell up and smile. No one knows exactly how the altercation came to be, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess it was over a donut because it makes for a funnier story. Thank God JaMarcus didn't know there was a donut left because if he had, his fat ass would be beating people up for it too. Come to think of it, a fight between Tom Cable and JaMarcus Russell for a donut would be great TV.

Now comes the part where I'm going to mock abused women, which even I think is in bad taste. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO DATE THIS MAN? He looks like an angry version of John Goodman. You would think all of the stress involved with being a head coach would help this guy shed at least a little weight, but not this guy. Who knows, maybe Al Davis hired him because he thinks there is a correlation between winning and having a big fatass like John Madden.

Finally, we have arrived at the main target of my roast- Tommy Cable. The man who voluntarily works for Al Davis. He's so retarded that he was confident enough in JaMarcus Russell to cut Jeff Garcia in training camp. He seems to think the "I didn't do it" defense is going to be a success here even though people are more likely to believe that the new Twilight movie isn't going to be totally gay. The bottom line is that there are about 100 people within your organization that deserve to be just annihilated, so there isn't any reason to go home and beat one of the few people willing to stand you and the odor I assume you carry with you. If you feel like hitting someone, just call Darrius Heyward-Bey or Darren McFadden into your office so you can at least get some benefit out of the bagillion dollars you are giving them this year.

Please God don't let Cable read this...I don't want to be eaten