Five New Year's Resolutions for Important Sports Figures

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Five New Year's Resolutions for Important Sports Figures
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Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy New Year, and any other Happy-(fill in a made up holiday) that I happened to miss during my month-long hiatus.

There's no way you can have a well-established blog during the holiday season. I'm convinced.

Between the shopping, school finals, decorations being put up, and having to lie to everyone under the age of 10 about Santa Claus...it takes a toll on one's ability to successfully give you readers a free blog every week.

But hey, were all about bouncing back in 2010. That's right, it's 2010.

Not only am I looking forward to almost finishing college, another first-round exit for the Cowboys, Colts fans calling for Jim Caldwell's head because after they win the Super Bowl, they'll have one loss on the season to the (gulp) Jets, and Kevin Durant becoming a bona fide superdee-duper-star right before our eyes, I'm also looking forward to mistakenly writing 09 on every assignment this semester because writing '10 is just too weird.

Man, do I know how to go off on a tangent. Anyway, like I said, this year is all about bouncing back and what better way to do that with the perfect New Year's Resolution.

Now, people who make New Year's Resolutions usually make it to the end of January before they decide that they've had enough and New Year's is overrated. I say, the hell with that.

We real people may not be able to hold a New Year's Resolution, but our sports stars must try and come up with some New Year's Resolutions so that they don't drive their fans through a wall with stress and frustration.

Oh, you're already through a wall with stress and frustration? Me too.

A New Year's Resolution should be something that you can actually accomplish. It should be something that you want to do (or stop doing) that will ultimately lead you to a happier/healthier life.

Well, with our coveted sports stars it is a little different. Their resolutions have to be well thought out so that they include the well-being of their fans.

So let's get into a few people who ABSOLUTELY must make these specific New Year's Resolutions.

1.) Tiger Woods. Jesus, Tiger. Why don't you just go to an Island you own for like six months and just stay there. Shoot, you can bring whatever mistress you choose, but just stay out of the limelight for a while.

This country forgives quickly if you just apologize. Look at A-Rod, Andy Pettitte, and Jason Giambi. Coincidentally, they were all Yankees (shaking my head), but they all apologized and no one says a word about any scandal they've ever been a part of.

So Tiger, your New Year's Resolution is to apologize, stop calling your mistresses, and just chill out in 2010.

2.) Peyton Manning. Peyton, you need to just chill out. You are insanely good at football that everyone is at the point where they HAVE to like you, even if they hate you. It's all because you work so goddamn hard and are so goddamn good that every other goddamn quarterback looks like they have Down Syndrome when they play against you.

So my New Year's Resolution for you is to chill out in 2010. Let some other player win the MVP award. Let some other team go for the undefeated season. Let some other team win the Super Bowl. You're mad annoying Peyton. Stop practicing and studying!!

3.) ESPN. Hey ESPN directors, whoever is in charge of bashing the Cowboys on a weekly basis, maybe it's time to be a little less biased. We get it. You don't like the Cowboys.

You'd rather have a big-market team like somewhere in New York or Philadelphia or New England win. But I've got news for you. This team is different. So maybe it's time to cut the crap and report news unbiasedly.

Part 2.) Hop off Brett Favre's you know what. I mean really. Yes the guy is an iron man. He is a warrior with the uncanny ability to make a play when a play needs to be made. But the love that you guys have over him is really sickening.

You've turned me into someone who doesn't even like him anymore because of all of these reports that you guys bring out and how much of an infatuation you have with him.

Just please take it easy. There's about 1,000 other people in the NFL to report on...in case you were wondering.

4.) Tony Romo. Oh no Tony. Don't you do it. Don't you fool us into thinking that you're going to be different this year. You're not fooling me. You may have every other Cowboys fan fooled, but not me.

Until you actually win a playoff game and show us that you can lead this team well into January, I'm still having my doubts.

So my New Year's Resolution for you is to just be a leader. Show us that you can lead this team and put them on your back into January, because the Cowboys only go as far as you go. Plain and Simple.

5.) Brett Favre. It's very simple, Brett. Retire.

You've given everything you can possibly give to this sport. You've given us countless highlights, countless hold-your-breath moments, and you've even managed to get Brad Childress a contract extension when he may or may not be the top 3 worst coaches in the NFL.

Just go fishing somewhere from September to January. Trust me, the league will be OK without you. So my New Year's Resolution for you is to enjoy your post-football life. Find another thing to be spectacular at.

Once again, I want to apologize for the hiatus. I promise I will be back in full-swing this year.

That is my New Year's Resolution, to be a better writer and hopefully grab an editor along the way. You know, cuz a brotha don't always talk perfect English, ya dig? Have a Happy New Year, all!

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