Time Warp Battle: Kimbo Slice Gives Santa the Gift of Pain for Christmas

Robert GardnerSenior Analyst IDecember 23, 2009

For most, Christmas is a time of joy and togetherness; an opportunity to spend extra time with family and loved ones.

For Kimbo Slice, Christmas signifies his lone opportunity each year to battle his arch nemesis, Santa Claus.

Kimbo and Santa have a long and tumultuous history; years ago, Kimbo and Santa were close friends until Hurricane Andrew destroyed Kimbo’s house in 1992. Kimbo asked Santa to let him crash at his place until he got back on his feet but Santa refused and forced Kimbo to live in his 1987 Nissan Pathfinder for a month.

Ever since Santa turned his back on Kimbo in his time of need, Kimbo has been plotting his revenge.

When Santa makes his annually visit to Miami Kimbo will be waiting with a special gift for good ole Saint Nick; an old fashioned backyard beat down.

No elves or reindeer will be able to save the jolly fat man this time. Tonight, Santa gets what’s coming to him.

Santa is no fool, every year when he visits the Slice household to spread his holiday cheer he is cautious. Santa’s knows that Kimbo feels betrayed by him so like a gift giving ninja Santa’s goal is to be in and out as quickly as possible. The slighted noise could awaken the street fighting sensation, sending him into a blind rage.

Too bad for Santa because tonight Kimbo does not sleep, sitting in the dark by the fireplace Kimbo patiently awaits the arrival of Mr. Claus.

What’s that? Could it be the pitter-patter of reindeer hooves upon the roof?

As Santa makes his way down the chimney, Kimbo prepares for his ambush.

Unsuspecting Santa heads for the tree to leave gifts for the family when Kimbo springs from his chair, positioning himself between Santa and his only way out.

“I’ve got you now, you cold-hearted holiday prick,” yells Kimbo.

Startled and scared Santa turns and faces his adversary. “It was only a matter of time before this had to happen,” Santa says with a sly smirk.

As Kimbo advances towards Santa, Santa reaches for his can of mace. Why does Santa have mace, you may ask? It’s simple. Santa has been sleigh-jacked too many times in the hood not to leave the North Pole unprepared.

With a quick spray to the eyes Kimbo is disoriented and hits the ground. Santa could easily make a break for it but instead reaches into his magical bag of presents and pulls out a shiny new baseball bat.

As Santa raises the bat above his head to deliver a massive blow, Kimbo delivers a firm kick Santa’s groin.

“You think that is the first time I’ve been maced fat boy? I spray that s**t on my eggs in the morning man,” exclaims Kimbo as he picks himself up off the ground.

With a vicious one-two combination Kimbo’s revenge is complete.

“Merry Christmas douche bag,” Kimbo says as he quietly ascends the stairs to get some much needed rest.

For Santa’s version of the story, check out the latest article by James Ryan