Christmas Party at The WWE HQ (Humor)
Ever wondered how a Christmas party is like at the WWE HQ? Well, wonder no more because I’m going to share a firsthand account of what it’s like partying with your favorite Superstars and Divas.
I actually have Dr. Hayley to thank for this opportunity because it was her who was actually invited to attend the annual event. As you may already know (or not, but I’ll tell you anyway) she’s the shrink to the Superstars. And as Vince McMahon owes her a lot for keeping his most valued employees (relatively) sane, he invited her to attend.
But, she’s been in some sort of an accident. Nothing serious, really, she was just walking around her home bumping into inanimate objects.
Anyway, as her PR Associate—that’s Party and Recreation—I, of course, was more than happy to oblige since it would mean I’d be in the same room as Randy Orton, albeit with all the other people I could care less about.
So, all right, let’s get to it.
5:30PM: As excited as I was, I was there rather early, along with the crew who were setting things up at the function area in the fourth floor…It’s funny when I tried to take their pictures, they suddenly get out of the frame. Never mind, no one’s interested in them anyway. I’m there for Orton.
5:45PM: I was told Vince has arrived and was at his office. I decided to pay courtesy to him, and introduce myself as Dr. Hayley’s PR Associate. But before I could knock on his door, it opened and out came CM Punk and Mr. McMahon himself.
Vince shook hands with Punk, “That’s a very good idea, Punk! I will definitely consider that.”
“I do what I can, sir. This is after all the PG-Era, and nothing says PG than a straightedge lifestyle.” Punk said.
I wondered what they talked about and what Punk suggested, and Vince seems to read my mind when he saw me. I introduced myself to him and he told me to feel at home. He said he owes a lot to Dr. Hayley and any friend of hers is a friend of his too.
He went back to his office to get his jacket before we headed back to the party venue. I think he said something like he was thankful Linda wasn’t around, while we were walking through the corridors arm-in-arm but I couldn’t really hear clearly.
6:30PM Almost all the Superstars and Divas were there, but still no sign of Randy. I was beginning to think he’s not going to show up. Triple H, HBK, and Cena weren’t there yet either. They do like to come in last, don’t they?
Vince took a mic and went to a ring in the middle of the function area, and said he had an announcement to make. CM Punk stood behind him, smiling like he just kicked another Hardy out of the company. Apparently, what he and Vince talked about at his office had something to do with the party.
“As you know, we are maintaining a PG rating right now.” Vince stated, “And so, I would like to impose a rule for this ‘Christmas party’ that we’re having.”
I could hear minimal booing from the Superstars then.
“There is to be no alcoholic beverages of any kind. No smoking of whatever it is that you people smoke nowadays. And no gambling of any type.” He said, “Anyone who will be caught doing any or all of those things will have a strike in their permanent record, and will be asked to leave the party immediately. Thank you.”
Everybody booed but CM Punk. It was his suggestion. Somebody even said they should’ve just gone to TNA Christmas Party instead. But Vince doesn’t seem to care what they all think, so he continued.
Then Vince introduced me to everyone, telling them I’m an associate of Dr. Hayley. I got a warm reception and everybody loved me. She’s really popular with the Superstars.
After that, Vince told me he has a couple of meetings lined up with possible Raw guest hosts so he had to go back to his office.
7:05 PM I’ve been walking around a while, shaking hands with the wrestlers, waiting for Orton to arrive. Still no sign of him.
Finally, I saw a familiar face in the crowd. Santa Claus.
Every office Christmas party should have a Santa. I approached him. Up close he’s a lot bigger. No, not fatter, just bigger.
“Hey, Santa!” I said, “What’s up?”
“Well, hello there, sweetheart!” He said to me. “What’s your name, honey?”
It’s funny, I know he’s from the North Pole, but he had a real distinct Texan accent. And his breath smelled like beer.
“You can call me, Ms. Annie.” I told him.
“What a sweet name for a sweet looking young lady.” He said, “Would you like to help Santa give out gifts?”
“Sure.” I said. I had nothing better to do, anyway.
We’ve been handing out gifts to the wrestlers. (The latest version of Webster’s Dictionary for Jericho. A really sturdy pair of pants for Ryder, etc.) We were half way done when I suddenly felt something grab at my right leg. I looked down and saw that little green monster living up to his nickname that’s other than “Swoggle”, dry humping my leg.
Santa saw him and tried to pull him off, “Get off the lady’s leg, you little b***ard!” He said.
Wow, I never thought Santa had it in him.
Swoggle grunted and squirmed but eventually, he let go. “Now, behave or you’re not getting a present.” Santa said. Swoggle behaved then, so Santa took something out of his sack for him. A half-sized inflatable doll.
Swoggle took the doll and ran off somewhere. I never saw him again for the rest of the night. He must’ve been really lonely.
7:45 Santa and I were getting thirsty, so we went to the refreshments. Four guys were hanging out there—Matt Hardy, Mark Henry, MVP and Shelton Benjamin. It was Mark who saw us coming, and the nice guy that he is he offered us a drink.
“Kool Aid?” He asked.
“Hell yeah, I know you’re dressed up as the Kool Aid guy, but this is a Christmas party not Halloween!” Santa said.
“Uh, Santa, I think he’s just offering us something to drink.” I said.
“Oh.” Santa said, “Well, thanks. But where the hell is the beer?”
“Vince banned any alcoholic beverages, Santa.” Matt told him.
“Did he now?” Santa asked.
“Yep, they even asked me to surrender the champagne I brought.” MVP said, “So now, I’m stuck with Kool Aid.”
“You got a problem with me?” Mark asked MVP.
“He’s not talking about you, Mark.” Shelton said. Then he turned to Santa. “I bet Punk had something to do with it.”
Santa considered the situation for a second. Then he said, “You know what I’m gonna do for you? I’m gonna go see your boss, and give him a can of whoop…ah, I mean, I’m gonna give him a good talk about this.”
“All right, Santa!” The four of them cheered.
“Oh, before I go, I got something for the four of you.” Santa said. He reached inside his sack and pulled out two WHC and two WWE Championship belts and distributed it to the guys. “There you go. That’s the closest you’ll get to taking home those belts.” And then he left, laughing his ho ho hos.
I was going to ask them to sign my autograph booklet, but they didn’t seem very happy with their gifts, so I decided to leave them.
I saw Tiger Woods arrive. I heard he was there to ask Vince if he could guest host Raw and sources tells me he wasn’t even asking for a fee. Seeing as the Divas almost always gets to spend some time with the guest hosts, I can see clearly why he would want to do them…I mean, the gig…as guest host for free. I’m betting his phone bill’s going to skyrocket though.
7:46 PM Bored. I feel like a whole hour has passed but my watch said it was only a minute. I stared at it for a minute and it didn’t move. I guess it’s broken. I looked for a friendly face in the crowd that could give me the correct time.
That’s when I saw John Cena. He’s a nice guy, so I thought maybe I could ask him.
So I walked up to him, “Hey, John!” I said.
“Oh, hey!” He said, with his ever ready smile with dimples as deep as potholes. “You…you’re that…PR lady, from Dr. Hayley’s firm, right?”
“Um, yes.” I said, “That’s me. I’m Miss Annie.”
“Good!” He said, offering his hand for a handshake and we shook hands. “Great to meet you! Are you having fun here? Is everyone being nice to you?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I’m good. Thank you.” I said, “Say, John, can you tell me what time it is?”
He stopped shaking my hand then, and he suddenly became serious. “Are you asking me?” He asked, “Are you asking me for the time?”
“Uh…yes?” I said. He’s starting to freak me out.
And then all of a sudden, he busted out into a rap song. “Your time is up, my time is now! You can’t see me, my time is now!!”
OMG. I stood there frozen. He continued to sing the next few lines until Stephanie McMahon came with security and saved me. She ordered the security guys to take Cena back to the vault, as he is the company’s most valuable asset.
Then she turned to me. “I’m sorry about that. He gets a little crazy when he’s without the title.” She smiled sweetly at me.
“What happened, anyway? Why did he snap like that?” She asked. I could see she was genuinely concerned.
“I don’t know. We were just talking, and then I asked for the time and he…”
“Time?” She said.
“Yeah, I asked him what time it was because it’s getting late and I haven’t seen Ran…”
She said something I couldn’t make out. She also looked like she was in a trance, staring blankly into nothing.
“Huh? What Steph?” I asked. “Well anyway, can you tell me what time it is?”
“It’s time!” She sang, “It’s time to play the Game! Time to play the game! It’s all about the Game, and how you play it…It’s all about control and if you can take it…”
She just walked off singing Triple H’s entrance music.
“Now you done it!” Somebody said from behind me.
I turned around and saw who it was. It was Primo and he was with Carlito. “How are we gonna get a chance for the title now? She’s going to put it on Hunter again, thanks to you!”
“Yeah, chica.” Carlito said, “That’s not cool.”
“I’m sorry.” I said, “I was just asking for the time. I didn’t know that was going to happen.”
“You better find Hunter.” Primo said, “He’s the only one who can put her out of the spell.”
“Why him?” I asked.
“Who do you think put the spell on her in the first place, huh?” Carlito said.
So I went to look for Triple H. And I still didn’t know what time it was. In looking around for him, I saw a lot of people with DX merchandise coming from one direction. I decided to trace where they were all coming from and found who I was looking for. Triple H with Shawn Michaels in their DX Santa caps.
They were selling DX Merchandise to every passerby, offering discount prices for those last minute Christmas shoppers.
“Triple H!” I said, “I’ve been looking all over for you!”
“Whoa! Honey, come on now, you know I’m married.” He said, elbowing Shawn at the ribs.
“I’m looking for you because Stephanie needs you.” I told him, raising an eyebrow.
Shawn laughed, but Hunter looked at him sharply so he stopped.
“Why, what happened?” Hunter asked.
“Well, I was talking to Cena, and I asked him for the time and he suddenly broke into his rap song and Stephanie came and had the security take Cena away.” I said, “So I asked Steph for the time and she…”
“She what?” Hunter asked, a bit panicky.
“She suddenly started to sing your entrance song.”
“The DX entrance song?” Shawn asked.
“No. The Game entrance song.” I said.
“Uh-oh.” They both said looking at each other.
“You gotta go man.” Shawn said, “You gotta do something or its good bye for DX again!”
“What do you mean?” I asked Shawn.
“If she’s singing his song, it means she’s going to put him in the title scene again and that spells the end for this DX run!”
That got me thinking. Which is a better scenario? Continue with this Tag Team Championship run for DX or another Championship run for Triple H?
“We just won the tag titles, man!” Shawn said to Hunter. “We haven’t even put other tag teams over yet!”
“Okay, okay! Calm down, Shawn.” Hunter said, taking his DX Santa hat off. “I’ll go talk to her.”
So Triple H went to find Stephanie and I was left with HBK. He was very thankful that I came to warn them about Steph that he offered me free merchandise.
He’s a really nice guy, that Shawn Michaels, and still really very attractive too especially when he flashes that sexy boy smile of his. But I decided to leave him and go back to the party. I can’t allow myself to be distracted from the real reason I was there.
Besides, if I didn’t leave him…I might be tempted to get my hands on his other merchandise.
It’s a good thing he gave me a free DX wristwatch so I knew what time it was already.
9:00PM I saw CM Punk in the corridor. He has been missing from the party since Vince’s announcement about banning alcohol and cigarettes earlier. I remembered my autograph booklet again so I called him and asked him to sign.
“Before I sign,” He said, “I have a few questions for you.”
“Okay.” I said, “What do you want to know?”
“Do you smoke?” Punk asked.
“No, I don’t.” I said.
“Good.” He said, “Do you drink alcohol?”
“No, I don’t.” I said again.
“Great.” He said, “Do you take pills of any kind in excessive amount or more than what your doctor prescribed?”
“Perfect!” He said, “Now, to whom should I write this to?”
“To my niece, Mika.”
“Not for you?” He asked.
“No, not for me.”
“Oh…” He said, pursing his lips and knitting his brows together. “Well, does she smoke, drink or do drugs?”
“She’s ten.” I said.
“Sure. But does she?”
I was gonna say something expletive in content but I decided against it, so I just said, “No.” And he signed.
9:15PM I was back at the function area, and there were even more people. I could barely walk around. And then I saw them. The Legacy. I figured if Legacy was around, Orton was definitely in there somewhere. Cody and Ted were going around talking to people, asking them something.
Ted was closer so I got to him first. “Hey, Ted!” I said, “Where’s Randy?”
“Who’s asking?” He asked before he looked. But he seems to recognize me as soon as he looked. “Oh, hey! Aren’t you that PR lady at Doc Hayleys’ clinic?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“Cody’s brother, Golddust is a frequent visitor at the doc’s clinic.” He said, “He showed us a picture of the doc and you. I think he stole it.”
“Oh.” I said. So that’s where the missing photograph went, I thought. “So, where’s Randy?”
“He’s in the car.” Ted said, “He won’t come out.”
“We forgot to bring the baby oil, and he can’t come out without putting it on first.”
“Really?” I said, “Well, you know what? I just happened to have a bottle of baby oil in my purse. So, why don’t you take me to him so I can apply…I mean, so I can give it to him?”
So he called Cody and we went to get Randy. He was waiting in his Hummer H2 listening to Voices. The song, not voices literally. I gave him the baby oil and he put them on and finally came out of the car. He thanked me for giving him the whole bottle (he used it all up), and asked me what I would like in return.
I had a whole slew of things I wanted to ask for, but I kept my head intact and just told him I wanted an autograph. He told me maybe he’ll sign later in the night if I stick around with them, and he led the way back to the party. Of course, I was going to stick around. The night was just starting for me, now that Orton’s there.
9:30PM When we got to back to the party, Santa, Vince, Punk and the Kool Aid gang were all in the ring. They were discussing the ban that Vince imposed in the party. Apparently, Santa came back with a truck full of Coors for everybody and Vince and Punk were throwing a fit about it.
“What gave you the right to go against my policy?” Vince said. He sounded really pi**ed off. “You’re just a guy I hired to get into a Santa costume!”
“That’s right, boss, tell him!” Punk said.
“You’re taking all these beer and get them outta here! Right this minute!” Vince demanded.
“I ain’t gonna do no such thing!” Santa said, “You know why?”
“Why?” Vince asked.
Suddenly Santa took his cap and beard off and gave Vince a ‘Stunner’, leaving him sprawled face down on the mat. “Because Santa Claus said so!” Santa said.
Jim Ross grabbed a mic and screamed “It’s Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Stone Cold!”
Yes, Jim, we could see it is Stone Cold.
The Kool Aid gang then put their attention to Punk who was cornered. Seeing as there was nowhere to go for him, Punk decided to plead his case. He begged to Santa…Austin to tell the Kool Aid gang to let him go.
“All right, since it’s the holidays, and I am dresses as Santa…I’m gonna let you off this time.” Austin said, “I even got you a gift.” He took out something in his sack and gave it to Punk.
“A Jeff Hardy, My Life My Rules DVD?!?” Punk said, “What the f...”
But before he could finish what he was saying, Matt gave him the Twist of Fate. No, not the DVD...his signature ring move. “It’s NAP TIME!!!” He told Punk who was already in dreamland.
Booze started to flow from then on, and then we really got the party going. They even called a few TNA and retired guys to join the party. Triple H danced, Shawn Michaels danced, Christian danced, everybody danced all night long! Even Kane and Undertaker got in on the fun.
11:45 AM The next morning. I was in my room and I woke up to a massive headache because although I said I didn’t drink, I couldn’t say no to Randy and Legacy. WWE parties are wild. So wild in fact, that I don’t even remember much of what happened after Stone Cold gave a Stunner to Vince McMahon.
I couldn’t get up just yet.
12:15 PM Finally, my headache subsided. Then I remembered something. I grabbed my purse and took out my autograph booklet. I went through all the pages and there was no signature from Randy Orton. Damn. Facepalm.
12:30 PM I decided to take a shower and went to the bathroom. When I walked past my full wall mirror, I saw something in my peripheral vision that caught my attention. So, I re-traced my steps and stood in front of the mirror to take a good long look at it. Then a smile formed on my lips.
I got my Randy Orton autograph, after all.
Note: This is purely a work of fiction. Nothing nor even just a part of it is true or was based on real life experiences of the author. Credit also goes to Rocky Getters and Hayley Graham who shared ideas with me.
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