Inside The Mind With Dr Hayley: Chris Jericho
Finally, peace and quiet at the clinic! It took a while, but we actually succeeded in getting rid of Stan!
It was Marina's idea as a matter of fact. She was able to convince him that we were moving him to San Antonio unless he stopped trying to sneak in.
Of course, with him being very slightly scared of Shawn Michaels, it got rid of him pretty quick.
Since then, it's been reasonably smooth sailing. Marina was gradually going around the clinic, taking down every photo that wasn't of Randy Orton and swapping them.
She didn't take down the Edge one however, saying that was going to shred it and send it to Andrea as a "warning" for the future—yes, I was pretty confused as well.
However, this was nothing compared to who I was treating today.
Why is it that all of the good looking guys are out of their freaking minds? Guess we'll never know.
He arrived slightly earlier than planned, taking the time out to insult all the so-called sycophants who wouldn't know greatness unless it smacked them in the face. Oh well, this was going to get interesting...
Dr Hayley: Right then, what can I do for you today Chris?
Jericho: Ooh, hang on a second junior! You don't have the right to call me by my first name, none of these parasitic worms do!
Dr Hayley: OK then, so what do you want me to call you?
Jericho: You may address me as the King of the World, The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, maybe even Y2J, take your pick.
Dr Hayley: Erm, I'll stick with Jericho for the moment.
Jericho: Fine, do as you will.
Dr Hayley: Why have you come today?
Jericho: I keep having these thoughts.
Dr Hayley: What thoughts?
Jericho: That I don't get enough attention, recognition, or even respect for what I have done in my life. Do people not care about me?
Dr Hayley: Hang on a second, you don't think you're getting enough attention?!
Jericho: That's what I just said you idiot! I mean, I am a nine-time Intercontinental champion baby! The only man to beat the Rock...
Dr Hayley: ...And Austin in the same night, yes I think everyone knows. You never stop mentioning it. That was eight years ago Chris, get over it!
Jericho: Don't tell me to get over it, no no no! You're just jealous that you are a mediocre, gelatinous, overrated non-entity, where as I...am the Saviour!
He got up at this point and posed for what seemed like an hour. It was almost like he was frozen in the middle of the room, singing "Break down the walls," claiming that he was god's gift to wrestling. [Erm, note to Chris: no, you're not.]
Dr Hayley: OK, so you think that people don't give you what you deserve? That they see you as nothing?
Jericho: Yes! They come up to me with their little snot-nosed kids, begging, pleading, for the original party host of the new millennium to come back and be their entertainment. No! I am past that stage! I was sick of being an animal, trotted out for their amusement!
Dr Hayley: Well, maybe the reason they don't respect you is because of the way that you shunned them.
Jericho: Shunned them? I didn't do that! I helped them! I showed him how weak Shawn Michaels really is when I took his little melon head and smashed it straight through my obscenely expensive Jeritron 5000! I should charge them the insurance on that!
Dr Hayley: See, this is a part of the problem Chris. You need to step back from the big picture and look at it from a different point of view.
Jericho: Yeah right sister! The day I do that is the day the Rock finally puts up and shuts up about his non-existent wrestling talent and realises that he is nothing more than a badly dressed freak!
I gave up listening to him at this point as he launched into a huge tirade of 1004 reasons why he was better than the Rock. It mostly went:
1. I'm a nine time Intercontinental champion.
2. I have awesomely beautiful blond hair.
3. I whipped his scrawny ass all over China Town!
4. Sinfully beautiful hair.
5. I actually have talent, he just wishes he did.
6. My luscious mane of gorgeous blond locks.
7. Most trending topic on Twitter. Beat that, be-aitch!
8. Did I mention the hair?
Yeah, I kind of dozed off for a little while. I woke up and he was—still—talking! I was finally saved when Marina walked in with my sanity pills. I was desperately going to need them at this rate!
Marina Mtz: Oh my god! It's Chris Jericho!
Jericho: What the hell do you want junior?! Can't you see I'm busy? Hit the bricks assclown!
Marina Mtz: I just wanted to say that you're brilliant! I think you rock! Randy Orton is better though.
Jericho: Back track a second there sunshine! Orton is better?! Have you ever seen a real man in your life? All he is, is a no-talent loser! It took two attempts, count them, two attempts for him to even hit me with his pathetic RKO! Do you know what that means? I am twice the man that he is, baby!
Marina Mtz: No, you aren't! He is an incredible specimen of a man that could whip your ass anytime he likes! He just doesn't think of you as big enough of a target!
Jericho: Trust me sister, the only asses he is whipping is that of those two numb-skulls that he insists on having around! You know why? Because he is so desperate to avoid disappointment when the girls say they prefer a taste of the undisputed champion that he had to switch teams!
Marina Mtz: No, you're wrong! You're only jealous because you got beat up by a girl at Wrestlemania XX who chose a guy obsessed with marshmallows over you!!
Jericho: Yeah, well Orton sucks! There is nothing that he has done that is even in the same league as me!
Marina Mtz: Erm, hang on! Wrestlemania 25, wrestling three wrinkled old prunes who should be tucked up in beds by six with their coffee and newspapers! You copied what the Legend Killer did, like, four years ago!
Jericho: No, I took what he did and did it better! He could never take on three guys at the same time and win!
Marina Mtz: Nope, and he probably wouldn't have been knocked out by some washed up actor whose face got stuck in the door!
I couldn't stop laughing at this point! This was like a set of "Your mama" jokes gone wrong!
Jericho:Well, at least I don't spray tan! This body is perfect daddio!
Marina Mtz: Take that back! He doesn't spray tan! That's his natural colour!
Jericho: What? Some possessed, mouldy orange from the supermarket?! Unlike you, I can see the tan line!
Marina Mtz: Well, at least he hasn't got some fat beer belly! He has the figure of a god!
Jericho: Yeah, Buddha! And for your information, this is not a beer belly! It's just more of me to go around baby!
Marina Mtz: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, you tone-deaf, know-nothing, overrated brat!!
At this point, I realised that Jericho had gone a very interesting shade of red. The kind of look a person gets when they are told that a chipmunk has eaten their car keys.
Marina, who had been laughing up until this point, backed out of the room quite sharply. Thanks a lot. Stuck in a room with an angry Jericho...there are better ways to spend an afternoon!
Jericho: Are you gonna let her get away with that towards a person of my stature?!
Dr Hayley: Hang on! You insulted a member of my staff! Should she let you get away with it?
Jericho: She started it! That's not fair!
Dr Hayley: God damn it man! Stop being immature!
Jericho: I am not being immature!
I didn't believe him. He was pouting, arms folded with his eyes at the ground. If that isn't being immature, then I don't know what is.
Dr Hayley: I don't think there is anything mentally wrong with you Chris. You just need to grow up, stop living in the past and get your head out of your backside long enough to realise that people have stopped caring about you because you left them.
Jericho: Whatever junior! I am still the King of the World. Why do I care for parasites like you?
Dr Hayley: I think it's about time you left, don't you?
Jericho: Yes! Time to leave this dump and go back to a place where Jericho is truly appreciated! Twitter, here I come!
Dr Hayley: OK. Go back to your house and have your stupid little fight with the Miz over who has the bigger brain. Think you'll find Miz winning.
Jericho: We'll just see about that, assclown!
He walked out of my office, grabbing his phone to start tweeting. He looked like he was going to leave quietly, but then he came face to face with Marina at the desk.
Marina Mtz: Hello. Thank you for visiting the Clinic. If you have had any problems with your session today, feel free to kiss my ass, because I don't give a damn!
Jericho: No, there was no problems with the session. Just you.
Marina Mtz: Anything else to say before I hit you with some rubbish Cena photo I took off the wall?
Jericho: Just one thing.
Marina Mtz: And that is?
Jericho: You are a filthy, dirty ,disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding, trash-bag ho! Hasta la vista baby.
I don't think I've ever seen Jericho move so fast! He literally bolted from the clinic with Marina in close pursuit, waving a John Cena picture menacingly above her head. Oh well, it could be worse. Just another day in the office!
This has been a product of my imagination, guest starring Marina and Andrea. If anyone has been affected by the issues raised in this article, direct all death threats towards my secretary, it was her fault! :-)
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