Chris Johnson's Uniform Found To Have Spiderman Symbiote

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Chris Johnson's Uniform Found To Have Spiderman Symbiote
Joe Robbins/Getty Images

You remember the movie Spiderman III? Just a few years ago?

Remember there was a mysterious black oozing tar that incredibly had a will of its own? That the black oozing appended itself to Peter Parker’s Spidey’s suit and gave him incredible strength, speed, and an attitude nastier than Steve Hutchinson with a belly fully of Tasmanian Devils?  And Peter Parker brought the suit to his teacher, Dr. Curt Conners, who called the oozing tar a symbiote?

 

You remember all that?

 

Good.

 

You remember too, that at the end of the movie, in the climatic scene where the villain Eddie Brock, who had also the symbiote on his suit, was about to reunite with it? Remember that Spidey threw a pumpkin bomb that blew both Brock and the symbiote to Kingdom Come?

 

You probably thought that the symbiote was destroyed forever, right?

 

Well, face it.

 

We all did.

 

But we were wrong.

 

Tiny droplets of the stuff were scattered to the four winds, and now, inexplicably have been found in Tennessee Titan’s star running back Chris Johnson’s uniform. Not steroids or Beetle juice or StarCaps. Not a banned substance or a performance enhancing narcotic.

 

The symbiote.

 

It’s true. How else can we explain the 1626 rushing yards? The 391 receiving yards, eleven touchdowns and a rushing average of 6.0 yards per carry? Like, who has a rushing average in the NFL 13 games into the season at six? What is this: college?

 

How else can we explain the 4.2 hundred yard dash? The incredible open field acceleration?

 

That’s right. The symbiote has given Johnson the ability to run in the open field like a maniac freeway driver, weaving around defenders like they were cars plodding along as though they were Sunday drivers.

 

Something else, too: Remember when the Titans drafted Chris Johnson out of East Carolina in the first round, that draft guru Mel Kiper Jr. questioned the move? That’s right, folks. The symbiote had not found its way onto Johnson’s uniform then. Because Mel Kiper Jr. is never wrong.

 

And further: have you noticed the new bravado in Chris Johnson lately? How else can we explain this grandstanding? Telling Ted Ginn Jr. to meet him for a running race and then chastising Ginn for not showing up? And saying he’s just as fast as Usian Bolt? That he could beat Bolt in a fifty yard dash?

 

Remember in Spiderman III that the symbiote affected Peter Parker’s personality? Remember the scenes where he thought he was hot sh*t strutting down the street, a babe magnet with even having to wear Armani? Smoozing it up with Bryce Dallas Howard while poor Mary Jane Watson was again left holding the bag?

 

Coincidence? I think not.

 

Further to the previous further: there is no league policy regarding the symbiote. No ban or nothing. The league doesn't even know the stuff exists.

 

And now, Dolphin fans, Chris Johnson is your problem to solve this weekend. Your run defense better be on red alert, your linebackers better step up. Gibril Wilson, no more bad angles or broken tackles. This is not Marion Butts lumbering toward you. Jason Taylor and Joey Porter. Pay attention. Forget about rushing the quarterback, whether it is Vince Young or Kerry Collins.  Contain the outside running lanes.

 

Come to think of it, contain the inside running lanes.

 

The symbiote is alive and well in the NFL. And ironically, Chris Johnson might not even know it.

 

 

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