Charged Up: Chad Ochocinco to Fight Shawne Merriman? Child, Please

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Charged Up: Chad Ochocinco to Fight Shawne Merriman? Child, Please
Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

After the Chargers' solid but unspectacular victory at Jerryworld last week in Dallas, I started to warm up to the idea of using statistics to predict football games.

You know, when it's convenient for me and my team to do so.

Here's another good statistic: the Chargers have a winning record in games outside of their division this season. The Bengals do not.

Then there's the matter of that December winning streak.

This "the Chargers never lose in December under Norv" thing is both ridiculous and awesome.

And, to be honest, the whole "the Cowboys can't win in December if Tony Romo is the QB" is also ridiculous and awesome.

Of course, you could also pull out the discouraging 3-4 playoff record this decade in order to quell any over-excitement.

Luckily for us, we can relish in the fact that most Raiders fans can't read.

Earlier this week, a San Diego radio station's morning show interviewed Shawne Merriman, who talked all things Chargers, including gabbing about the upcoming game against the Bengals.

The morning jocks then played a sound bite of Chad Ochocinco's now-famous "Child, please" remark, which had Merriman in stitches.

Apparently Chad took this to mean that Shawne wanted to castrate his children , considering the Bengal's remarks that he wants to fight Merriman.

Let me get this straight, Chad: You want to fight a guy who literally ended Priest Holmes' career with one hit?

Good luck with that, buddy.

I would stick to wearing sombreros on the sideline if I were you.

Speaking of which, the Chargers will do good to keep Ochocinco and the rest of the Bengals' offense on the sidelines this coming Sunday, or else we could see another shootout like the one back in '06.

On that November afternoon in Ohio, the Bengals and Chargers combined for 90 points , with the Bolts coming out on the victorious end.

This Sunday, both teams will face off in search of the coveted No. 2 seed going into the AFC side of the playoffs.

Beyond a potential game in Indianapolis, this seeding confirms a home game and a first-round bye.

Of course, this game will definitely have a different sort of meaning beyond any type of football topic.

The elephant in the room is Chris Henry , and the Bengals will be thrust into a football game just three days after the wide receiver's death.

Last week, the Chargers had to finish off a Cowboys team who, for a while, weren't sure if their teammate DeMarcus Ware would be able to play football or even walk again.

Will they be able to do it again?

And now, on a much lighter note:

Meanwhile, around the league...

The Colts and Jaguars square off tonight on the NFL Network. See how many times Bob Papa can work the word "undefeated" into regular, non-essential plays.

"Joseph Addai takes it up the middle for the undefeated Colts. And he's stuffed by Daryl Smith, who does not play for an undefeated team, for a one-yard gain. 2nd-and-9 for Manning and his undefeated club. Undefeated."

Papa and Matt Millen may be the worst announcing duo ever.

Millen opens his mouth and all I hear is "Hi, I'm Matt Millen. I ran a team that went 0-16 and might take years to recover in a league that is notorious for quick turnarounds. Would you like to hear what I think of the game?"

On the topic of horrid announcing, my dad told me that quite often, Pat Summerall and Tom Brookshier would call games sounding drunk and disoriented.

Sorry dad, but that sounds awesome.

Speaking of the Jaguars, I just noticed they drafted a tight end this year named Zach Miller.

So there's two Zach Millers in the league. And two Steve Smiths.

Huh. Sure, it's not like Zach Miller and Steve Smith aren't utterly uncommon names, but next thing you know we'll be going "Which D'Brickashaw Ferguson are you talking about? The Jets' lineman or the Texans' kicker?"

Josh Cribbs of the Browns is hopeful he'll get an extension by the end of the season. I'm pretty sure A.J. Smith wouldn't mind ponying up a few bucks after Cribbs dismantled the Steelers.

Terrell "Eldorado" (seriously, that's his middle name, according to Wikipedia . Did I edit that myself? Maybe.) Owens had one of his most prized records (does he even have other records that don't involve "most ab crunches in the presence of the media?") broken last week.

Brandon Marshall's 21 catches weren't enough to beat the Colts on Sunday. After the game, Marshall stated that he'd like to break more of TO's records.

Uh-oh.

Next thing you know, Marshall will be coercing Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross to get naked on national TV.

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