Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Last Thursday's win over Buffalo, coupled win New England's loss to Miami last Sunday, breathed new life into the Jets' playoff aspirations. New York is 6-6 and trails the Patriots by one game, with Sunday's visit to 1-11 Tampa a must-win on their remaining schedule.
"And we'll need a healthy Mark Sanchez to even have a chance," say Rex Ryan. "And that means he'll have to display proper sliding techniques. Mark's shown that as far as intellect is concerned, he's very rarely classified as 'head first.' You may have heard that Sanchez is only the second Jets rookie to throw for 2,000 yards in a season, the other being Joe Namath. But the comparisons don't end there. We're simply asking of mark the same thing Joe Willie asked of Suzy Kolber — 'Gimme some leg.'"
Tampa's Josh Freeman threw five interceptions last week in Carolina as the Bucs dropped to 1-11 after a 16-6 loss. Freeman and his receivers will face Darrelle Revis, arguably the NFL's best cornerback, who has dominated some of the league's best receivers.
"I'm smart enough not to throw Revis' way," says Freeman, "and I'm wise enough to know when to slide. Sanchez is obviously a big fan of Van Halen, because despite his coach's pleas, he still ends up as a 'Diver Down.'"
With Sanchez sitting, Kellen Clemens starts, and New York rushes for 185 yards on the ground on their way to a 24-13 win . Even on the bench, Sanchez health is a concern. With the game in hand, he dives head first into a hot dog on the sideline, spraining his tonsils.