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Still Not Satisfied, Padres Acquire Red Sox' Green Monster (Satire)

BOSTON - JULY 1: A general view of the 'Green Monster' at Fenway Park on July 1, 2004 in Boston, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
Elsa/Getty Images
Lewie PollisSenior Analyst IIIDecember 3, 2009

At a press conference today, new San Diego Padres GM Jed Hoyer announced that the team has agreed to purchase Fenway Park’s legendary “Green Monster” from the Boston Red Sox.

This news comes in the wake of Hoyer—the Red Sox’ Assistant GM before being hired by the Padres six weeks ago—selecting Boston’s Scouting Director, Jason McLeod, as his own Assistant GM.

“When I bought the team a year ago, I said I wanted to take it in a new direction,” owner Jeff Moorad said, “After a few months of thinking about it, I realized that my ‘new direction’ was exactly what the Red Sox had been doing all along.”

Hoyer’s announcement of the purchase of the Green Monster evoked mixed reactions from the crowd; a few screamed “What?” while the rest simply looked dumbfounded.

When asked what effect he thought adding a 37-foot left field fence would have on the stadium that had the fewest home runs in baseball in 2009, Hoyer replied “yes,” while Moorad answered “please shut up” when questioned about the possible aesthetic problems posed by placing an 8880-square foot green wall in the middle of a ballpark whose design and color scheme is meant to be reminiscent of the beaches of San Diego.

Seeing that there were no more questions, Hoyer then announced that the Red Sox had granted David Ortiz, Dustin Pedroia, and Jonathan Papelbon their releases so that they could go to San Diego like Hoyer and McLeod.

“[Boston] was great while it lasted,” Ortiz said, “but that chapter of my life is over now.”

“No one here thinks I can’t hit that high-inside fastball,” Pedroia said.

Hoyer also revealed that the Padres had acquired Frank Feola’s “Fenway Franks” hot dog stand for PETCO Park. “Oh man, wait until you try those hot dogs,” he said, “They’re the best.”

Finally, Hoyer revealed that the Padres had entered trade talks for known Red Sox targets Roy Halladay, Felix Hernandez, and Adrian Gonzalez. When reminded that the Padres already had Gonzalez, Hoyer put on a vague Eastern-European accent and replied, “Great success!”

Fans across the country reacted strongly to the announcements. “This is terrific,” said Red Sox fan, Anthony Emerson , “I’m tired of being a Boston fan. Thanks to San Diego for opening my mind!” On the other side of the spectrum, anti-Padres paraphernalia has popped up all over New York.

In other baseball news, Hank Steinbrenner is attempting to bribe Toronto Blue Jays GM Alex Anthopoulos into simply giving the Yankees Halladay after realizing that his team doesn’t have any decent prospects to trade.

 

(In case it was not apparent, this article is a joke and all quotes are fictitious.)

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