2009 Oakland Raiders: A Comedy Of Errors

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2009 Oakland Raiders: A Comedy Of Errors
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

The more appropriate title of this article should have been “Things Go ‘Heyward’ By the Bay”.

I tease because I love...I laugh to keep from crying.

 As the current edition of Raider’s football continues to carve out their own interpretation of “the mystique”, and in the meantime trash all of my childhood memories of this once proud franchise, I look for ways to cope.

They say laughter is the best medicine. Well that and penicillin, but since this is over the counter medicine, and penicillin has no effect on the current virus that has tormented the Raiders; I present to you my small dose of medicine during these tumultuous times.

Here are the top ways to tell if the Raiders are going to have another dismal season.

 * After another dismal showing young JaMarcus is surrounded by teammates Gerrard Warren, Darren McFadden, and Javon Walker, like the cool kid who was just wronged by the teacher. Even if the cool kid was in the wrong for throwing spitballs in class. He shouldn’t be in trouble.

After all those spit balls sailed harmlessly over everyone’s head.

P.S. I didn’t see Richard Seymour or Greg Ellis massaging his ego and whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

* When your team's quarterbacking future utters the quote after being pulled from the game, “things were going okay”. This after posting stats that read 8 of 23 for 64 yards. Talk about your coke bottle thick, rose colored glasses.

Those stats would make a high school quarterback worry about his impending relocation to the bench.

* When your most recent multi-million dollar mistake does his best double-fisted impression of “wax on, wax off” while attempting to catch a pass during the teams final drive to glory.

I mean granted, Bruce Gradtkowski viciously attacked Heyward-Bey with a surprisingly accurate pass.  Something he wasn't accustomed to seeing from Russell. But hey if you are going to fight a football don’t let it get the best of you. In this display of “fight or flight”, DHB should have used his speed to run away, thus avoiding the shame of a pigskin beat down.

* Speaking of Heyward-Bey. He was observed defending himself Dwight Schrute style during a recent encounter with the jugs machine. Although a few of the hurled footballs did penetrate his defenses, striking him in the chest.  This is not a problem since this is his technique of choice when dueling with ... err ...catching a football.

 Side note to Al. The next time you want to draft a receiver number seven overall, at the very least have someone from the scouting department sneak up on him and toss him a football. Heck a nerf ball or even a rolled up sock will do. And if he bats at it like a swarm of bees is assaulting him, draft a lineman.

* If there is an officiating crew that works for the NFL anywhere near the stadium.

Talk about kicking a team in the Al when they are down.

When Trevor Scott was pulling a Chief lineman along like a speedboat would a water skier, you would have thought that the line judge would have known that the number 91 on Scott’s jersey was not supposed to elongate to his socks.

It was hard to tell if the Chief lineman was hanging on to keep his running back from being drilled in the backfield, or if he was just afraid to let go because he was being dragged so fast.

Then again, maybe the official was contemplating an illegal equipment violation by Scott, and became distracted. The official should have thrown it, because Head of NFL officiating Mike Pereira would have backed him up. It could have been called the "un-tucked rule".

 And last but not least:

* You wish JaMarcus Russell could be more like Vince Young.

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