I don’t usually let this side of me come out. I try not to be as crazy. I try to be the sensible fan all the time, but this Juan thinks it’s a good idea to see who’s the zaniest fan of their chosen Superstar is. When I read his article about it…I just couldn’t resist. So, here is my entry to his Maniac vs Maniac challenge.
I warn you though, the level of crazy I’m taking out for you to see might change the way you look at me forever. Anyway, let's begin...
Randy Orton is God.
How many times have you seen that sign up in the crowd at the arenas RAW shows are done in? A lot. A LOT. And no one believes in it more than I do. Because you see, Ortonism for me is a religion. And I am The High Priestess of the Order of Ortonites. The Elite Order of Orton worshippers.
My evolution and journey to the highest rank of the Order has not been a smooth sailing one, even though I just made it up and there's like only four of us. I have encountered many troubles. Doubt has crossed my mind, disappointments challenged my faith, lost my temper and almost went IED on other people’s butts. But, just like St. Thomas, the doubter, I have been transformed into an adamant believer/fanatic/lover/Ortonholic/worshipper.
Greatness Has Entered the WWE.
“Greatness has entered the building, you may bow at will.” --Randy Orton, Legend Killer
My first encounter with the Greatness that is Randy Orton, began in 2002. I’ve been watching wrestling as a casual fan. I have been fond of watching the likes of Triple H, Shawn Michaels, etc. But on that faithful day, April 25 2002, little did I know that I was going to experience an awakening.
It was Randy Orton’s debut on WWE Smackdown. He came into the screen, all covered up in sweat shirt and sweat pants. He was cute. And he has big hands. He came into Vince McMahon’s office to give courtesy to the boss. You all know what happened. The moment he took off that sweat shirt and revealed that marvelously sculpted torso of his, I was awakened. I was brought out from puberty, and into womanhood.
I was released from the grasp of the boy bands with their squeaky sounding voices and skinny bodies. Jericho calls himself the “savior” but it was Randy Orton who saved me. But I didn’t know it yet at the time. Like I said, it was gradual, slow, and painful at the beginning. But it was all worth it.
His Evolution Was My Evolution.
He started out as the talented, excited young ingénue and I was the enthusiastic young fan who just wanted to see that gorgeous young brunette guy with the hot body. Then he began to take on another character- the conceited, self-absorbed third generation wrestler.
His talent and charisma was noticed by the King of Kings himself, Triple H, and he plucked him among many to be the Chosen One, to be his successor, so to speak. During his run with Evolution, I will be honest, sometimes he annoyed me. I even hated him sometimes, because of my naiveté. I didn’t understand why he had to be so mean. And look so good doing it.
But I keep coming back. I keep wanting more. He’s got me hook, line and sinker as they say. I tried to understand him. Why he does the things he does. And then it dawned on me. It was my trial. Like any true believer, it was a trial to test my faith in him. I understood EVERYTHING. Because of him, I have become a real fan.
Okay, f**k it…this is where I get really crazy.
Randy Orton is Perfection.
Contrary to what Dolph Ziggler’s entrance music suggests, he is not ‘perfection’. Randy Orton is. Even Andrea Claire who is an ardent follower/lover/fanatic of Edge thinks so. She once said “He’s a genetic anomaly, nobody should be allowed to be that perfect!”. That wasn’t verbatim of course, I only memorize Randy’s words by heart.
He is how a man should look—Aside from his beautifully sculpted facial features which no one else could duplicate, have you seen his glorious body? Of course you have, it’s on display every week so you should be thankful to see it and model yourself to it if you are a man! He has that perfect chest and tight abs I could probably eat off of, and I wouldn’t mind doing so actually. That sexy little butt that even Shaq couldn’t help himself but tweet about it. He’s got long, lean, mascular…ahm…arms. And his legs, they just make me say “Oh. My. God.”
He is the epitome of how a man should groom himself—hairless chest, hairless pits, hairless thighs...and um…wait, I’m still looking at the thighs…okay, where was I? Oh yes…and finally, he’s how a man should smell. Yes, I can smell him from the tv! He smells really good. Like a baby, since he uses baby oil.
Randy Orton Can Do No Wrong
That’s right, I said it. Even if he does really evil things, it’s not wrong! He is always right! Sure he attacked Kofi Kingston for seemingly no reason at all recently, but didn’t you hear what he said? It was JUSTICE. Kofi interfered in his match! That’s punishable by law! Orton’s Law. It’s the only law.
EVERYTHING he does he has reasons for it, and all his reasons are reasonable! Even if he is wrong, he’s still right. And even when he’s really, really wrong…it’s not his fault. The writers did it.
I don’t even have to put up an argument about that whole “Path of Destruction” he had going early this year, starting from when he punted Vince McMahon. EVERYTHING he did was justified. It is, don’t argue with me. You wouldn't wanna see me go like this on you.
Everyone hates him because he’s an arrogant, egotistical S.O.B. What’s wrong with that? I happen to love his big ego.
I follow EVERYTHING he teaches. And he teaches by example. Ask Ted and Cody. Hell, I even use baby oil. People just give him a lot of crap about his oil use. Oil actually makes you smooth, and it’s better than lotion because there are no other chemicals there.
I’m All About Randy Orton.
EVERYTHING I touch turns to Randy Orton if it isn’t already is.
I have his shirts, all of them. I buy them as soon as they come out. I even had a shirt made with “Team Orton” printed on it! And I wear them everywhere too. In the office, at the mall, at the gym, at the park, when I go for a run, when I sleep, EVERYWHERE! If there’s a shampoo and soap with his face and name on it, I’d probably buy that too.
I have the only two WWE Magazine covers he’s ever been on by himself framed and keep them beside my bed and say good morning and good night to them.
My phone, iPod and laptop’s wallpaper is Randy Orton, my message alert tone is Voices, and my call alert tone is Burn in My Light. Okay, so maybe you other maniacs do the same with your Superstars. But me, I don’t have to stick to his entrance music. Every song is about him! Take for example Paparazzi by Lady Gaga (Because “Baby there’s no other Superstar”). Or Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship (Because he makes the good girls go bad). Or Ego by Beyoncé. And even Rehab (Because I’m an Ortonholic) by Amy Winehouse! EVERYTHING!
Everyone who knows me knows what a huge fan I am of Randy Orton. Why? Because I tell them. Because I show them. All the computers’ screen I touch has Randy Orton wall paper on them. I’m not just talking about the one I own, I’m talking computers at the office. And they don’t dare change it. They wouldn’t want to mess with me when it comes to Randy Orton. And yeah, because they’re all technologically challenged and are too afraid to tinker with the computers.
All my networking account has Orton’s face on it you’d think it’s his page. Sorry, no links.
Well, there you have it. I know it’s labeled as ‘humor’ but there’s really nothing funny about it. I am very serious when it comes to Randy Orton. And if you’re not down with that….oh, wait, that’s not an Orton material…uhm…okay…I should come up with something…here…
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