NFL Week 9: 'You Crap the Bed' Celebrates World Toilet Day

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This week on a very special episode of You Crap , we're giving back to the community by celebrating World Toilet Day . This honest-to-goodness real holiday happens in just ten days, and helps to put focus on the global sanitation crisis. Through several different agencies, you too can give a latrine to someone who desperately needs it, and fight illnesses that are particularly devastating to the world's children.

So give a crap!

You all know how to play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play...You Crap The Bed !

1) You are Chicago nose tackle Tommie Harris. It's the first quarter, first drive, in your home game against the Arizona Cardinals. On a running play where the Cardinals get some yards, you become annoyed by the actions of offensive tackle Deuce Lutui. Do you:

a) Go after Lutui before the whistle blows

b) Go after Lutui on the next play, maybe with a dive at the legs, so that your retribution doesn't hurt the team

c) Realize that there is 59 minutes left in the game, and plenty of time to exact vengeance

d) Ignore it as something you can't afford to indulge in, given how the game is critical to the very mediocre and erratic Bears' playoff hopes

e) Find Lutui a good five seconds after the play, take him to the ground, then punch him in the face in the view of just about every man, woman and child in the stadium, since there's nothing else going on five seconds after the play is over

If you chose (e), preferably while screaming about your inalienable right to blood vengeance, congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!

And you've won a no-doubt ejection from referee Ed Hochuli, a wide open middle for the Cardinals to exploit for over 150 yards on the ground with a ridiculously easy 31-point first half, the utter disdain of your coach and a nationwide scolding for your actions from the professional Fox moralists in a blowout loss that more or less seals the deal on your terribly disappointing season. Well done!

2) You are Seattle coach Jim Mora Jr. After two turnovers by your offense, you are down a fast 14 points at home to the dreadful Lions. Your lead running back is the terrible Julius Jones, and his first two carries went for negative two yards. After a catch by third-down back Justin Forsett, it's 4th-and-1 at your own 38. Do you:

a) Punt the damn ball, seeing how there's 50 minutes left in the game, you are at home, and your defense only gave up the touchdowns on a short field

b) Go for it on a QB sneak, trusting that ancient bad-back QB Matt Hasselbeck can get the yards behind a bad offensive line

c) Really, honestly, just punt it, you can't possibly give up the ball again that quickly, why on earth would you want to give a bad road team a 3-possession lead

d) Um, run play action, I guess, and go for your actually credible offensive weapons like WR Nate Burleson, WR T.J. Houshmanzadeh, or TE John Carlson

e) Hand the ball to Jones and have him run it up the middle, because no one ever expects a team in short yardage with a bad offensive line to run it up the gut

If you choose (e), preferably while working on a big old jar of paste on the sidelines, congratulations—You Crapped The Bed! And you've won a de facto turnover, more stress on a defense that has already had to defend a ridiculously short field twice in the first quarter, and a quick Lions field goal for a 17-0 lead.

You've also won the temporary hatred of everyone who took you to cover the spread, since you spent the rest of the game digging out of your hole to win, but not cover. But since this is a charity episode of You Crap , rookie Detroit QB Matthew Stafford showed his TAInt in garbage time, giving the Seabags a 12-point win and the suck-out cover. It's heart-warming!

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