This week on a very special episode of You Crap , we're giving back to the community by celebrating World Toilet Day . This honest-to-goodness real holiday happens in just ten days, and helps to put focus on the global sanitation crisis. Through several different agencies, you too can give a latrine to someone who desperately needs it, and fight illnesses that are particularly devastating to the world's children.
So give a crap!
You all know how to play the game. Each week, we give you the chance to out-think people who are actually paid to make NFL decisions. Now, let's all play...You Crap The Bed !
1) You are Chicago nose tackle Tommie Harris. It's the first quarter, first drive, in your home game against the Arizona Cardinals. On a running play where the Cardinals get some yards, you become annoyed by the actions of offensive tackle Deuce Lutui. Do you:
a) Go after Lutui before the whistle blows
b) Go after Lutui on the next play, maybe with a dive at the legs, so that your retribution doesn't hurt the team
c) Realize that there is 59 minutes left in the game, and plenty of time to exact vengeance
d) Ignore it as something you can't afford to indulge in, given how the game is critical to the very mediocre and erratic Bears' playoff hopes
e) Find Lutui a good five seconds after the play, take him to the ground, then punch him in the face in the view of just about every man, woman and child in the stadium, since there's nothing else going on five seconds after the play is over
If you chose (e), preferably while screaming about your inalienable right to blood vengeance, congratulations! You Crapped The Bed!
And you've won a no-doubt ejection from referee Ed Hochuli, a wide open middle for the Cardinals to exploit for over 150 yards on the ground with a ridiculously easy 31-point first half, the utter disdain of your coach and a nationwide scolding for your actions from the professional Fox moralists in a blowout loss that more or less seals the deal on your terribly disappointing season. Well done!
2) You are Seattle coach Jim Mora Jr. After two turnovers by your offense, you are down a fast 14 points at home to the dreadful Lions. Your lead running back is the terrible Julius Jones, and his first two carries went for negative two yards. After a catch by third-down back Justin Forsett, it's 4th-and-1 at your own 38. Do you:
a) Punt the damn ball, seeing how there's 50 minutes left in the game, you are at home, and your defense only gave up the touchdowns on a short field
b) Go for it on a QB sneak, trusting that ancient bad-back QB Matt Hasselbeck can get the yards behind a bad offensive line
c) Really, honestly, just punt it, you can't possibly give up the ball again that quickly, why on earth would you want to give a bad road team a 3-possession lead
d) Um, run play action, I guess, and go for your actually credible offensive weapons like WR Nate Burleson, WR T.J. Houshmanzadeh, or TE John Carlson
e) Hand the ball to Jones and have him run it up the middle, because no one ever expects a team in short yardage with a bad offensive line to run it up the gut
If you choose (e), preferably while working on a big old jar of paste on the sidelines, congratulations—You Crapped The Bed! And you've won a de facto turnover, more stress on a defense that has already had to defend a ridiculously short field twice in the first quarter, and a quick Lions field goal for a 17-0 lead.
You've also won the temporary hatred of everyone who took you to cover the spread, since you spent the rest of the game digging out of your hole to win, but not cover. But since this is a charity episode of You Crap , rookie Detroit QB Matthew Stafford showed his TAInt in garbage time, giving the Seabags a 12-point win and the suck-out cover. It's heart-warming!
3) You are San Diego Chargers coach Norv Turner, a frequent visitor to You Crap . On 3rd-and-5 from the Giants 43 with 7 minutes left, you are down 17-14 on the road. Your offense has struggled to retain possession all game, with dropped passes and a weak running game, and your defense has not been able to get off the field on third down situations, so if you don't get this conversion, you might not see the ball again. For this game-changing play call, you choose to:
a) Get the ball in space to waterbug Darren Sproles
b) Throw to TE Antonio Gates, who has managed to be open all game, if not exactly sure-handed
c) Throw to WR Vincent Jackson, your best offensive player this year, and someone who can break a big play at any time
d) Throw to WR Malcolm Floyd, who has emerged over the last month as a credible threat, especially on jump balls, or
e) Run a convoluted gadget play in which Sproles laterals to Jackson in the backfield many, many seconds after the ball has been snapped
If you choose (e), preferably while reading your past history of close game losses from your wildly ineffective and overly precious play calling, congratulations—You Crapped The Bed!
But in the sense of giving brought on by World Toilet Day, please note that your team actually wound up going 80 yards for a game-winning touchdown, with QB Philip Rivers finding Jackson for the go-ahead score with 21 seconds left... because of our very special fourth bonus contestant...
4) New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin! With 3:14 left, you have the ball at the Chargers four yard line after what seems for the world to be a game-ending pick and big interception return. A first down holding penalty brings the ball back to the 14, and a completion to Hakeem Nicks is stopped for no gain. On the next two plays, do you:
a) Give your QB, the wildly overpaid Eli Manning, a chance to put the game away, perhaps by throwing to TE Kevin Boss, since the Chargers are terrible at covering TEs
b) Throw to WR Steve Smith, the No. 1 ranked WR in the league, especially on third down
c) Give the ball to RB Ahmad Bradshaw in space, which should keep the clock moving while giving your team a chance for the kill-shot touchdown
d) Roll Manning out and put pressure on the Chargers to defend multiple options, knowing that if worse comes to worse, Eli can always just slide and keep the clock running, or
e) Run Brandon Jacobs up the middle on consecutive plays, gaining an utterly safe 10 yards that the Chargers were only too happy to concede, and setting up a field goal that puts you up six with over two minutes left to play
If you chose (e), preferably while wrapping your hands in an interlocking grip over your wind pipe and thinking over how good this is going to feel over the next bye week of New York tabloid misery, congratulations—You Crapped The Bed! And you've won the setup for your fourth straight loss, the nearly unique feeling of being out-coached by Norvalicious, and the increasing likelihood that you'll be spending January watching other teams play football despite the best line play in football.
At least you can take pride in the fact that your old-school, super-conservative crapping of the bed has military precision and a tight bombing pattern. Excellent work, Mr. Coughlin.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for this week. But remember, with a little fiber, determination and inspiration—and the colon-cleansing goodness that only comes from knowing that you've helped some poor people experience a throne of their own—you too can...Crap The Bed! Good night, everybody!