Classless Predictions: The Celebrity Couples Edition

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Jaded: 68-31

Indignant:  56-43


Indignant: Continuing my recent attempts at creating some gimmicky meme in order to help me in picking these games, week 9 is the Celebrity Couples Edition!

Jaded: As I don’t have near the knowledge of celebrity couples that Indignant has (not knocking his, I’m genuinely impressed) I’ve decided to counter his celebrity couples by comparing the games this week to couples in DVDs in my collection.  Be prepared to be amazed and worried for my sanity at the same time.  Enjoy.


Chiefs (1-6) @ Jaguars (3-4)
Indignant: Recently Randy Quaid (from National Lampoon’s Vacations movies) and wife Evi “stole” their stay at a Santa Barbara hotel/resort. Just like this celebrity couple robbed the the SoCal hotel, these two teams will be robbing the time of anyone who decides to watch the crapfest they’re prepared to call a football game. (Jags)

Jaded: I’m thinking the Chiefs are essentially blind and aligned with a madman (Larry Johnson) and the Jaguars have two sides, one is marginally good at what it does and the other never talks and just has identity issues. I’m not sure why this game reminds me of a serial killer slasher, but it does so bare with me.  Kansas City, you can be Reba McClane and the Jaguars can be Francis Dolarhyde from Red Dragon.  I’m picking the serial killer this week. (Jags)


Ravens (4-3) @ Bengals (5-2)
Indignant: Two young teams who are very cache to endorse and jump on their bandwagons. All the kids are talking about these two. Just like Vanessa Hudgens and someone named Zac Efron. Now all we have to do is figure out which of these teams will win the AFC North and which of the two celeb’s has a penis.  (Ravens)

Jaded:  So let me get this straight… The Bengals are a team relying on old talent like Cedric Benson and a potential cripple like Carson Palmer and the Ravens are a young knockout possibly entering their prime?  Alright, I’m sold.  The Bengals are Denzel as Lincoln Rhyme and the Ravens can be Amelia Donaghy (aka, oh yeah, JUST Angelina Jolie) from The Bone Collector.  (Ravens) I’ll take Angelina any way I can get her…


Texans (5-3) @ Colts (7-0)
Indignant: Ever see that video of Mariah Carey shoveling baked beans into her head while pulling her hamstring (this is actually a string she pulls behind her which has a giant ham attached to it)? No? Well I haven’t either, but I’m sure it exists. She does drag around Nick Cannon like her little whipping boy though. The Colts have done this to the Texans ever since their conception. I think that changes this week though. (Texans)

Jaded: I have next to no chance of topping what was just said about Mariah, so I’ll keep this short.  The Colts are the goofy looking team that has everything and the Texans are the entity that is complementing the Colts but secretly waiting for them to do something dumb so they can profit from it.  That said, the Colts can be Adam Sandler from Mr. Deeds and the Texans can be Winona Ryder.  Give me a billion dollars and Payton Manning, thanks. (Colts)


Redskins (2-5) @ Falcons (4-3)
Indignant: Recently witnessed on a website that the supremely cute Emmy Rossum is dating the supremely somoan-like Adam Duritz (Counting Crows singer). (http://www.hollywoodtuna.com/photo.php?id=91103x3_rossum_b-gr_06&title=Emmy Rossum Pictures&loc=3link).  He looks like Sideshow Bob had a kid with Kimbo Slice. Stop it right now Emmy, you’re making baby Jesus cry. This game is almost as big of a mismatch as these two. (Falcons)

Jaded:  Well the way I see it, the Falcons are a somewhat underrated superstar waiting to happen and the Redskins…well the Redskins aren’t.  Therefore, the Falcons can be Johnny Depp from Secret Window and the Redskins can be anything and everything that he buries in the garden.  What?  Bad games put me in a bad serial-killer movie kinda mood. (Falcons)


Packers (4-3) @ Bucs (0-7)
Indignant: Another huge mismatch this week. The Packers will beat down the Bucs until they reek of desperation, solitude and urine. So they remind me a lot of the relationship between Jennifer Aniston and the Hope of ever Having a loving equitable relationship with another human being.  (Packers)

Jaded:  So we have an idiot in the Bucs taking on a misunderstood weapon in Green B

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