Classless Predictions: The Celebrity Couples Edition

Jaded: 68-31

Indignant:  56-43


Indignant: Continuing my recent attempts at creating some gimmicky meme in order to help me in picking these games, week 9 is the Celebrity Couples Edition!

Jaded: As I don’t have near the knowledge of celebrity couples that Indignant has (not knocking his, I’m genuinely impressed) I’ve decided to counter his celebrity couples by comparing the games this week to couples in DVDs in my collection.  Be prepared to be amazed and worried for my sanity at the same time.  Enjoy.


Chiefs (1-6) @ Jaguars (3-4)
Indignant: Recently Randy Quaid (from National Lampoon’s Vacations movies) and wife Evi “stole” their stay at a Santa Barbara hotel/resort. Just like this celebrity couple robbed the the SoCal hotel, these two teams will be robbing the time of anyone who decides to watch the crapfest they’re prepared to call a football game. (Jags)

Jaded: I’m thinking the Chiefs are essentially blind and aligned with a madman (Larry Johnson) and the Jaguars have two sides, one is marginally good at what it does and the other never talks and just has identity issues. I’m not sure why this game reminds me of a serial killer slasher, but it does so bare with me.  Kansas City, you can be Reba McClane and the Jaguars can be Francis Dolarhyde from Red Dragon.  I’m picking the serial killer this week. (Jags)


Ravens (4-3) @ Bengals (5-2)
Indignant: Two young teams who are very cache to endorse and jump on their bandwagons. All the kids are talking about these two. Just like Vanessa Hudgens and someone named Zac Efron. Now all we have to do is figure out which of these teams will win the AFC North and which of the two celeb’s has a penis.  (Ravens)

Jaded:  So let me get this straight… The Bengals are a team relying on old talent like Cedric Benson and a potential cripple like Carson Palmer and the Ravens are a young knockout possibly entering their prime?  Alright, I’m sold.  The Bengals are Denzel as Lincoln Rhyme and the Ravens can be Amelia Donaghy (aka, oh yeah, JUST Angelina Jolie) from The Bone Collector.  (Ravens) I’ll take Angelina any way I can get her…


Texans (5-3) @ Colts (7-0)
Indignant: Ever see that video of Mariah Carey shoveling baked beans into her head while pulling her hamstring (this is actually a string she pulls behind her which has a giant ham attached to it)? No? Well I haven’t either, but I’m sure it exists. She does drag around Nick Cannon like her little whipping boy though. The Colts have done this to the Texans ever since their conception. I think that changes this week though. (Texans)

Jaded: I have next to no chance of topping what was just said about Mariah, so I’ll keep this short.  The Colts are the goofy looking team that has everything and the Texans are the entity that is complementing the Colts but secretly waiting for them to do something dumb so they can profit from it.  That said, the Colts can be Adam Sandler from Mr. Deeds and the Texans can be Winona Ryder.  Give me a billion dollars and Payton Manning, thanks. (Colts)


Redskins (2-5) @ Falcons (4-3)
Indignant: Recently witnessed on a website that the supremely cute Emmy Rossum is dating the supremely somoan-like Adam Duritz (Counting Crows singer). (http://www.hollywoodtuna.com/photo.php?id=91103x3_rossum_b-gr_06&title=Emmy Rossum Pictures&loc=3link).  He looks like Sideshow Bob had a kid with Kimbo Slice. Stop it right now Emmy, you’re making baby Jesus cry. This game is almost as big of a mismatch as these two. (Falcons)

Jaded:  Well the way I see it, the Falcons are a somewhat underrated superstar waiting to happen and the Redskins…well the Redskins aren’t.  Therefore, the Falcons can be Johnny Depp from Secret Window and the Redskins can be anything and everything that he buries in the garden.  What?  Bad games put me in a bad serial-killer movie kinda mood. (Falcons)


Packers (4-3) @ Bucs (0-7)
Indignant: Another huge mismatch this week. The Packers will beat down the Bucs until they reek of desperation, solitude and urine. So they remind me a lot of the relationship between Jennifer Aniston and the Hope of ever Having a loving equitable relationship with another human being.  (Packers)

Jaded:  So we have an idiot in the Bucs taking on a misunderstood weapon in Green Bay that isn’t getting anywhere because they have absolutely NO way to protect Rodgers.  Let’s call the Bucs Bob, Cheddar Bob, from 8 Mile and the Packers can be the gun he was packing for a while that he forgot to put a safety on.  We ALL saw how that ended.  (Packers)


Cardinals (4-3) @ Bears (4-3)
Indignant: Blah blah blah, Kurt Warner’s old, blah blah, Hugh Hefner and his latest young blonde nympho. Blah blah, HaHa. Wokka wokka wokka. (Bears)

Jaded:  I don’t really own many movies that involve old men meeting young women with quarterbacks who look and act like idiots, so I copped out and took Bruce Willis as the Cardinals and Jessica Alba as the Bears from Sin City.  The Willis thing makes sense, but Alba is a stretch to say the least.  I guess her character is flawed, just like Cutler, but to my knowledge she doesn’t have Diabetes.  Overall, I give the analogy a 6.2.  Scored high on creativity but really REALLY low on relevance.  Ironically, that speaks volumes about this article. 

By the way, I’m NEVER picking the Bears again.  They frustrate me to no end.  (Cardinals)


Dolphins (3-4) @ Patriots (5-2)
Indignant: One of these teams transformed itself last year from a hideous and disturbing creature into a 12 win team; while the other team is comprised of a pretty boy fairy = Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz. (Patriots)

Jaded:  Saddam Hussein and Satan from South Park, The Movie.  I’m not going to bother distinguishing which is which because frankly, I can’t figure it out.  The Patriots are evil and the Dolphins have robbed me repeatedly of picks and fantasy glory.  Take your pick.  (Pats)


Panthers (3-4) @ Saints (7-0)
Indignant: The levels of talent, effort, attitude, ability and exposure of these two teams are on staggeringly different levels. It’s as if one of them is the hottest, sexiest most overexposed and overjerkeditto female in show business while the other is a has-been/never-was douchebag who seems like he probably couldn’t win a fight with your sister or an argument with your senile grandmother. Megan Fox and Brian Austin-Green meet the Saints and the Panthers. (Saints)

Jaded:  This one’s easy (and the Panthers won last week so I’m technically allowed to comment on their games again).  The Saints have it all; they’re sexy, rich, and on pace for success.  The Panthers, well they don’t.  New Orleans Katherine Heigl’s, meet the Carolina Seth Rogans from Knocked Up.  I’m picking the Panthers because even the fat talentless dude gets laid once in a while…


Lions (1-6) @ Seahawks (2-5)
Indignant: This game should be hidden deep deep in a secret area, where no one will ever even know it exists. Much like the marriage between Ryan Seacrest and Tom Cruise. What’s that? O.K., sure it’s not (wink). (Seahawks)

Jaded:  Let’s save us some time.  Pick a money from Planet of the Apes and call it a Lion.  Then pick another baboon and call it a Seahawk.  Watch them throw crap at each other and curse at God for not giving them opposable thumbs and Voila.  (Seahawks)


Titans (1-6) @ 49ers (3-4)
Indignant: These two teams have both done disappearing acts in the recent past. The Titans of last year vanished and reappeared as the turdtastic team they are this year; and the 49ers have been completely missing from contention since the mid 90’s. All of this is quite similar to the careers of Jake Gyllenhal and Reese Witherspoon, who just happen to be dating. (49ers)

Jaded:  Wait a minute…Jake DOES know she’s a girl, right?  She doesn’t need a lift THAT badly. (49ers)

 
Chargers (4-3) @ Giants (5-3)
Indignant: The Giants and Scarlett Johansson both seemed like sexy picks early on, but have steadily declined since ( while admittedly still staying above the boner-line, Scarlett that is). The Chargers are comprised of a lot of talent and charisma but always fall flat and fail to perform, a lot like Ryan Reynolds movies. (Giants)

Jaded:  NO!  It isn’t fair!  It’s only week nine and I’m already out of Eli Manning jokes?  Curse you God, curse you!  I guess the Giants could be Jon Heder from Benchwarmers, but the Chargers could be too.  Maybe one can be Jon and the other can be his helmet?  How could I get all these good looks and not a single ounce of wit?  Thanks for nothing, God.  (Giants)

Cowboys (5-2) @ Eagles (5-2)
Indignant: Two teams from chic metropolitan cities that have been consistently in the public spotlight for the past 10+ years. The cowboys are always “adopting” new players every year, even when they sometimes aren’t always necessarily the best matches. Yep, I’m going there – Brad and Angelina. (Eagles)

Jaded: I live my life by the following motto, “You can’t polish a turd.”  Actually, who am I kidding, shine ‘er up and I’ll probably notice.  I guess this means that the Eagles can be Freddie Prinze Jr. and the Cowboys can be Rachael Leigh Cook from She’s All That (yes, I own it; shut up already).  I’ll take the Cowboys, I’m nothing if I’m not superficial.  (Cowboys)


Steelers (5-2) @ Broncos (6-1)
Indignant: These two are very similar teams – tough run control defenses with quirky game managing QB’s who are inexplicably awful looking humans. These teams are very, very similar. Almost as if they were celeb’s they’d have the same types of genitals and same self-absorbed, coke-snorting, paparazzi omnipresent lives. So here we have Lyndsay Lohan and Sam Ronson. (Broncos)

Jaded:  No matter how hard I wish against them, the Steelers continue to do well.  In spite of everything that makes sense in the world, they succeed.  I hate them with every ounce of my being, but they just can’t screw up.  From now on I will refer to them as Drew Barrymore. This week the Broncos will appear as their co-star, EVERY man that has looked like crap next to her in EVERY film EVER. GAHHHHH! (Steelers)