Houston Astros Owner Drayton McLane Names Himself Manager (Satire)

Richard ZowieCorrespondent IOctober 27, 2009

HOUSTON - OCTOBER 15:  Owner of the Houston Astros Drayton McLane (R) greets a fan before the start of Game Three of the National League Championship Series against the St. Louis Cardinals at Minute Maid Park on October 15, 2005 in Houston, Texas.    (Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images)

Saying he wasn't satisfied with any of the candidates the Houston Astros interviewed, owner Drayton McLane will hold a press conference at 10 a.m. CST Wednesday to announce he's hiring himself as the team's manager.

The team reportedly had tried to hire Manny Acta as manager, only for Acta to bolt the 'Stros for the Indians. Fans had also called on McLane to hire Astro greats Craig Biggio or Jeff Bagwell to manage the team.

"After five minutes of careful consideration, I have decided to hire myself as manager," McLane said in a statement that he'll read tomorrow. "I like me, I like baseball, I like being on the field and I think I can do a good job running this team."

McLane plans to try to hire Phil Garner, Dave Clark and Brad Mills as coaches.

At least three other times in Major League Baseball history has an owner tried to manage a team: Judge Emil Fuchs managed the Boston Braves for a season in the late 1920s (they finished last); Chris Von Der Ahe for the Boston Braves (he reportedly instructed his players to hit the balls "on the floor" instead of in the air); and Ted Turner for a single game in 1977. Turner's advice on managing was indeed brilliant: "Managing's easier than trying to have a successful marriage. All you have to do is score more runs than the other guy and learn what the umpire's favorite meals are."

Turner was forced to return to the owner's box after then-National League president Chub Feeney told him managers couldn't own any financial interest in the team.

Will the National League do this?

"I doubt it," said a spokesperson for acting commissioner Bud Selig. "Mr. Selig's involved with the Milwaukee Brewers, so he has a vested interest in the Astros losing."

How well can the 2010 Astros do?

"I think they can do very well," McLane said, sporting a Number 36 jersey in honor of 1936, the year he was born. "They'll do their best and be on their best behavior with the owner in the clubhouse."

McLane added: "Part of Houston's problems is they have had managers who have had too much experience in baseball. They need a manager who offers a fresh perspective, one who does things differently. They need new blood—even if it's coming from a 73-year-old man."

Bleacherreport.com blogger Richard Zowie can be reached at richardzowie@gmail.com , or post a comment below.