This week, the Cardinals President William O. DeWitt III decided that Cardinal Nation needed a little pick-me-up after a disastrous end to 2009. So he had a lackey put together a knob slobbing note and pressed send:
To Our Great Fans, (That’s right, we are pretty great aren’t we?) Thank you for another great season! (Whoa. Hold on here. A total collapse down the stretch and a brutal first round exit is also great? What else is “great”? Sodomy? Is Sodomy great? What about herpes? Also great?)
Although a disappointing early exit from the playoffs is still fresh in our minds, (And on Matt Holliday’s nuts—Hi-Yo!) I think it is appropriate to reflect on some of the great things that happened during the 2009 season. (Franklin’s collapse, complete power outage, Dave Duncan leaving the team to pout about his son being traded) The team won the National League Central Division for the seventh time this decade.
(The Pirates and Reds aren’t exactly the Yankees and Red Sox, but still) Albert Pujols had another MVP-caliber season, (plus he’s probably hurt and now saying he’s not interested in signing a long term deal when your GM publically stated a team’s offseason priority was to re-sign the superstar to a long term deal) and pitchers Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright are both candidates to win the National League Cy Young award. (Oh, Carp. What the hell were you doing out there in LA?)
Our young players and newer additions all made significant contributions to the team on the field. St. Louis was the center of the baseball world in July as we hosted the 2009 All-Star Game which (the NL lost) featured three Cardinals on the NL roster and a first pitch from the President. (In jeans!)
All-Star week included dozens of activities and events that brought excitement and significant economic activity to downtown St. Louis. (By economic activity we definitely do not mean anything involving Ballpark Village. Please do not mention Ballpark Village. Everything is fine with Ballpark Village.)
Despite challenging economic conditions, you continued to support the Cardinals at the ballpark. (Suckas.) We drew 3.3 million fans to Busch Stadium, surpassing the three million mark for the ninth time this decade and the 13th time in franchise history. (That’s a lot of money that we will not spend on re-signing Matt Holliday, but we appreciate it nonetheless.)
As the decade draws to a close, it's worth noting that it will go down as one of the most successful periods in Cardinals history. (By successful we mean financially.) We led the National League with 913 victories, won two N.L. pennants and a World Championship, and drew a remarkable 34 million fans. (Unfortunately, this open letter will hit your e-mail 8 days after a soul crushing loss in the playoffs, so you’re going to sound like a total Cardinal dong licker if you mention any of this in a bar.)
As we look to 2010 and the decade in front of us, we are hopeful that your support will continue to lay the foundation for our success. (What are our options? The Rams? I don’t think we have much of a choice.) Our commitment to excellence in all aspects of the organization is as strong as ever. (Read: we’re looking for new and exciting ways to cram more signage into Busch Stadium.)
On behalf of ownership, management, and the players, thank you again for your incredible support of the St. Louis Cardinals.
William O. DeWitt III