Thyme To Rhyme: NFL Week Six Matchups

john swansonContributor IOctober 17, 2009

CHICAGO - OCTOBER 04: Jay Cutler #6 of the Chicago Bears leaps over Julian Peterson #59 of the Detroit Lions to score a touchdown in the first quarter on October 4, 2009 at Soldier Field in Chicago, Illinois.  (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Game Juan: STL vs JAC

Jackson and Jones-Drew; who knew these would be the only two noteworthy players to mention to you?  I for one did and I'll mention to you that this game will be as boring to me as it likely will to you.  Bet on the under unless you wish your bottom line to blunder.  It will be a bore, to you this point I must implore. 

The return of Marc Bulger will not provide a the wake up to the Rams offensive offense similar to a cup made from Folgers.  A better game at 1 PM will be the matchup against the Saints and the Manning's second favorite son.

Game Two: NYG vs NO

Passing attacks and staunch D; these are the two highlights that will be apparent to thee.  Eli will hobble and passes will wobble and Brees will amaze with his passes seemingly ablaze.  It's a tough one to call with strong passing and running; defenses will surely be challenged to stall. 

I like the man who's name rhymes with freeze, with ice cold precesion, he'll slice that young secondary with the greatest of ease.  It's hard to bet that that man will go scoreless again, this is a bet you can bank on my friend.  I like the Saints in a close one, toppling the G-men from from the p-rankings. 

I always love to see a Manning take a good spanking.

Game Threeve: CAR vs Tampa

A combination of three and five, are either of these teams even alive?  A new coach in Tampa tries for his first win again, but I don't think he'll get it once again, I think a tip or two from Parcells he is begging a lend. 

Unless anyone really cares about it, I think I'll try my trade against some teams that are worth more than *spit.  This game will be lame, their offenses quit tame.  The defenses leave much to be desired; probably time for both teams to retire.

Game Four: BAL vs MIN

A huge matchup no doubt, both teams carry a lot of clout.  Favre has thus far been the man though I love to see someone give him a hand...In falling down you see, the man makes it burn when I pee. 

The Ravens need a win in a bad way unless they want to see their season fall Cincy's way.  Big test for AP as well son; do you really want to be outshined by Cedric Benson? 

What a resurgence for that guy, man can he fly?  Even though he crapped on my Bears, I have proof that he still soils his underwears.  So Flacco and Favre, neither offense will starve.  It will come down to which defense is real, and which one is real old, I predict that the Ravens will fold.

Game Five; Stayin' Alive! Stayin' Alive! DET vs GB

Can the Packers rebound and astound the NFL Nation to climb back to the top of the mound?  Against these feeble foes I don't see much trouble, unless Aaron Rogers wishes to see his team's playoff hopes burst like a bubble.  The kid has some skills, but his protection makes me ill.  Does the Pack have a running back? 

This is what their offense does seemingly lack.  Detroit, oh boy, what can I say?  It's nice to see Culpepper can still go out and play.  The guy's knee nearly exploded but his arm is a cannon; cocked, ready, and loaded. 

For Detroit it will clearly be an uphill battle, this team's only attribute as of now is knowing how to sabre rattle.  Pack in a wipeout, the Lions simply don't have the clout.

Game Six:  HOU vs CIN

So how bout the Who Deys?  Those sporting orange and black, they have a quite potent offensive attack.  They stand at four and one, that is something no one saw coming, son.  Green Bay, Pittsburgh and Baltimore fellow, this team's gelling like jello. 

So far, they impress behind the arm of General Palmer, settled in that pocket he hasn't ever looked much calmer. 

He's delivered in clutch, he's no longer in need of a crutch and that defense is for real; that's my only appeal.  Houston has disappointed and I will surely anoint them as underachievers of the year to this point; six games in a row?  Time for a joint.  Spike Lee, of COURSE!  Pull your head from your bass your silly horses ass!

Game Seven: CLE vs PIT

Mangenius no doubt! The fans will scream and shout!  Just a tone of sarcasm will overcome those about to spasm.  You know I'm just kidding; Cleveland will be sad of this teams fast paced skidding to the bottom of the league and of the curse of Mangini they will themselves long to be ridding. 

Pittsburgh will begin to mount their march to the postseason; with staunch defense, and Mike Tomlin there is plenty of reason to believe this team will destroy the protege of Bill B, it truly fills my heart with glee.  Bet the Stillers in a blowout, of this my friends I have zero doubt.

Game H8te: KC vs WAS

Jim Zorn got dissed by the legend and a loss to the Chiefs would seal his fate as coach, this game will resemble a crusty, burnt out roach.  Two teams that know how to blow games, the outcome you know is going to be lame. 

I predict a tie from these two pitiful teams, to me this game is equal to a pile of crap so forgive me if I forget to clap even if the Chiefs win, anyone believing in these team's chances is no doubt a sap.  No more to say, neither of these teams even know how to play.  If you're betting on this one, you have a gambling problem, son.

Game Nine: ARI vs SEA

Battle of teams out west that seem pretty mediocre, your time would be better spent playing a game of poker.  I like the passing game of the Cardinals dressed in red, and I'm sure that Matt Hasselbeck still loves to give head.  The Seahawks are a made up animal, did you know?  They shouldn't have even been invited to the NFL show. 

I don't care much for either of these teams, although the receiving corps of the Cardinals are the things that only come in dreams.  Fitz, Boldin and Breaston will teach that Seattle secondary a lesson.  The one thing that puzzles me is how that potent offense can only muster the same amount of points accumulated by General George Custer. 

The Battle of Little Big Horn don't you remember?  Neither do I, but neither of these teams will be playing for much in the month of December.  Go Zona by four, you don't like that?  Well bite me, you whore!

Game 10: PHI vs OAK

The Raiders are nearly as dead as their owner, and Philly continues to give me a boner.  Sorry if my rhymes have begun to get crass, but you know if you don't like that you can kiss my skinny ass.  If you don't know who wins this one already, you're probably smoking as much dope as a long haired, stinky dreddy...Freddy. 

Heady is the quarterback making the calls for the Iggles, and the outcome of this game will make everyone giggle.  Philly in a landslide, the Raiders are small fries, their team makes their fandom cry.  JaMarcuss's passer rating makes me wonder...Does he have something in his eye?  Only tears cause he was drafted by the the silver and black men.

Game 11: BUF vs NYJ

TO to Chicago?  I don't think so bubb-o.  That guy kills teams, and with Cutty manning the ship, those guys sure look mean.  Jauron calls plays that Pop-Warner himself would be ashamed, with so many weapons it seems quite lame.  On the other side of the wall we have the new prince of the ball. 

After the first weeks it seems Mark Sanchez would be anointed the prize on which every single rookies eyes surely lie.  Although recently he has come back down to our level, but this Buffalo defense he will surely disheveled.  Should be easy to call, the Bills no doubt will surely take the fall.  J-E-T-S; calls for ROY will be heard from here to Bobafet. 

Man I feel gay for including that line today.

Game 12: TEN vs NE

Trap game, Upset, Let Down. The experts are calling for, but you know all these former players are only media whores.  The Titans have fallen the Patriots aren't what they used to be, but I'd love to see Belichick fall again you see.  That guy is unlikable and rude, did you see him dis that coach in Denver after losing to that guy, dude? 

It feels weird to say that I actually like Randy Moss in a way; such a far cry is his attitude from the good old Randy days.  Guy's straight up a phreak, opposing defenses are going to tweak.  And since the departure of Fat Albert from Tennessee you see, that teams gone to crap and could probably be beaten by you and me! 

Look for the Patriots to get back on the horse, and the Titans record to look even worse.  I think it will be close, and it's importance for both teams will be overrated by most.

Game Lucky 13: CHI vs ATL

It is going to be the highlight of the weekend for me to see Jay Cutty playing on MY team!  How long has it been since the days of Sid Luckman?  Matt Forte finally seems to be truckin'.  A battle of defense and run games and young passers abound, to all you my friends, this game will surely astound. 

I'd be hiding something if I didn't admit to being a homer; I'm even going to break out my luck four leaf clover. 

I'll be rooting for Da Bearsss.  I'll be pulling out what's left of my hair.  I know Matt Ryan uses nair.  This game is an even matchup and seems pretty fair.  I can't even pick one but when revenge is a factor, Chicago will be coming at the Falcons like a run-away tractor...Trailor that is, I really think that the Bears will deliver the Biz...Ness, sorry to trick you with words once again, but remember this is MY article, my friend :D. 

Bears in a close one to make a big statement, pound the Falcons running game straight into the pavement.

Game 14: DEN vs SD

Big Monday night in the big month of fright.  To be honest with you, I'll be, neither team matters much to me.  I'm sick of the hype for the Horses in blue, to me their quarterback still reeks of pooh.  He's outgunned by the man named Rivers, his arm, sex appeal, and swagger makes all the ladies quiver. 

If not for a couple of lucky horseshoe plays, the Broncos would not be anyone's main topic of discussion today.  I must admit though it think it is sad to see LT sucking it up on the sidelines with two bum knees.  That guy used to be fire and the object of every offensive coordinator's desire. 

But don't sleep on Sproles, you surely have seen him exploit all the holes.  I think it's the end of the Broncs run on the season, to a decent team they'll finally lose, it's not out of reason; to feel that the Chargers will win this one don't you get it, they want back in the division before anyone forgets it. 

Hope you all enjoyed the article as much as I did writing it.  With football and beers our weekends will be legit.  Just in case my rundown was too confusing for you, clown, I'll summarize it once more, then upon me you may frown.  I like the Jaguars and Saints, Carolina and Minne, on those teams I'll drop about a buck fitty. 

From there, we go to Green Bay and the Bengals; Pittsburg and the Chiefs, they'll make you all dangle.  A bit of cash you know?  Like a carrot in front of the nose of the guy selling blow.  The next two are Birds, followed up by the Planes, followed by the Pats, Bears and Chargers you'd be wise to bet on Jane.

Have fun with the weekend and be sure to be safe, if your teams loses big, your genitals I bet will feel quite chaffed!


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