Okay, so I got Al Davis on the line and he is asking me in his strained Brooklyn accent how to salvage his Oakland Raiders.
This, of course, is complete blimey and in reality Al Davis gives a rat's ass about my or any of the disheartened Raiders Nation's opinion of his team or how to turn the franchise around.
But, doggone it, I'm standing by Ol' Crusty Al, and I got a few suggestions to turn around the 2009 season.
First change I would suggest is to trade for Buffalo Bills return specialist Roscoe Parrish. An electrifying return player, this impact player can be had for a third and sixth round draft pick.
With the addition of Parrish, the Raiders could start Javon Walker and instantly upgrade a young and ineffective wide-receiver group.
By having these two wideouts, the return of Chaz Schilens and the explosiveness of Louis Murphy, the Raiders could run a spread offense taking the pressure off a beleaguered OL and get JaMarcus Russell into a rhythm with short passes.
Having the talent and this spread offense in place, Tom Cable would step aside and allow Paul Hackett to call the offensive plays.
Hackett, an outstanding QB position coach, has the experience to call plays at the NFL level. Cable then could refocus on what he does best and repair the OL.
Need proof, Al? Take a look at how the spread has made Kyle Orton look like Joe Montana.
Now that I would have Al's ears, and not his oatmeal stained sweater, I would make roster changes to the OL. Start Khalif Barnes at RT and Paul McQuistan at LG. Bench Samson Satele and move Chris Morris back to center. This would be the 2009 starting lineup until Robert Gallery gets healthy and replaces McQuistan.
To further help the OL, run "Wildcat" formations featuring Louis Murphy, Johnnie Lee Higgins, Rosco Parrish, Michael Bush (who also can throw the ball) and Justin Fargas.
Once Hackett gameplans 8-10 "Wildcat" plays, defenses will back out of their eight and nine man fronts and give the OL an opportunity to get out and block at the different levels.
After the "Wildcat" and spread offense softens defenses, Hackett can run "Power I" formations featuring the underused Brandon Myers at FB. If possible, the Raiders should give up a fifth round pick for Green Bay Packers rookie FB, Quinn Johnson. Either FB could clear the way for superstar-in-the-making, Michael Bush.
So now the offense is scoring like a horny teenager on prom night, Al, here's how to get the defense playing at a NFL level.
I know the word is taboo in Alameda, but blitzing in the NFL is a necessary element in executing a successful defense.
Start by bringing in someone who has a sense of how to scheme a 21st Century NFL defense and find a coach, such as Romeo Crennel, and have him work as an adviser to John Marshall.
By becoming contemporary in design, the new and improved aggressive Raiders' defense can start maximizing the team speed and two shutdown corners to their advantage.
The defense has talent; it lacks scheme.
A change here will show immediate improvement to this unit. This may be a huge turd sandwich to swallow for Mr. Davis, but the biggest change that would yield immediate results is to make one call and bring Bruce Allen back as the Raiders GM.
The man knows how to put football teams and coaches together if given the opportunity. Allen could do this for the Raiders within two games.
So now the Raiders have upgraded play on the field and have secured stability in the front office, one last repair must be made for the Raiders to salvage the season.
Fire village idiot John Herrera.
Yes Al, the removal of this plantar wart will instantly remove a black cloud that hovers over Alameda, but with his exit also comes an apology from you, Mr. Davis.
You must issue an apology to Rich Gannon for the improper treatment of a player that gave his all for your organization.
Once you've done this, you have to issue an apology to the Raiders Nation for taking fan loyalty for granted.
It's just karma, baby.
Are you listening?