Mike Lombardi Hired In Oakland!

We all said it was impossible; “not a chance in hell", "when pigs fly", "When Phillip Rivers grows a penis", "When the Chargers win a SuperBowl"... but defying all odds, Lombardi is back in Oakland. 

It was announced today that Mike Lombardi could no longer afford to pay the NFL Network to call him an analyst. Lombardi gambled on the idea, hoping a team would recognize his potential and hire him back as an executive or water boy.

Lombardi signed a 3 year deal with an Oakland Burger King just down the street from the Coliseum. Lombardi will start washing lettuce but the contract includes incentives that could move him to fries in less than a year.

The three year deal is said to be worth up to $16,000 with monthly meal incentives. Apparently Lombardi was holding out for a deal that included one Whopper a week but settled for a Jr. Whopper every two weeks.

Local media interviewed Lombardi's new GM Latoya Johnson a 10 year Burger King Veteran, "...When he first starting making all those Whopper demands, I was like who does this Mother Fucker think he is? I still think he's kind of a bitch probably be stealing and shit...all I know is you can't trust a greasy fat man in the BK..." These were the nicest of Ms. Johnson's comments.

It would seem Lombardi, true to form, is making no friends in the organization and might already be eating himself out of a job.

Lombardi was asked how his past experience will translate to his new position, "I like burgers, they are good...would you like fries with that?"

When asked about his duties Lombardi seemed very excited, "I take the brown part off and eat it, did you know I get free food, when customers don't eat everything I'm allowed to eat it."

Lombardi's first order of business was to recommend Detroit Safety Stuart Schweigert for custodian and mascot.

Schweigert has yet to see action in 2009 in the NFL and has been looking for a back up plan since being fired from a Detroit "rub and tug" after the incident with the auto executive.

Stuey had little to say about his new position, "I blew at my last job, I'm just happy to get steady work and I'm good with a mop." The details of Schweigert's contract were not released.

Ms. Johnson has also made an offer to Lane Kiffin future former college coach; a local customer commented "it'll be interesting to see the garbage being taken out by garbage."

Lombardi's expected departure from the network came as little surprise to most.

An unnamed source close to NFL network Director commented on the move "Lombardi's been around the league for years; doing what I have no idea...I guess we all just assumed he was related to Vince and thus knew something about football...is he related to Vince? Either way when we found out he got his stories cut and pasting from PFT and could no longer pay us we had no choice but to show him the door."

Although his time with NFL network has come to an end, Lombardi will however continue to have Jessica Simpson write his SI articles in exchange for finding her dog. "it takes a rat to find one."