Casting the Manchester United Squad's Nativity Play

Manchester United Christmas parties are known to contain the odd artistic performance from players. In 2014, for example, Wayne Rooney was pictured belting out a couple of tunes on stage with a live band. 

But what if the squad's thoughts turned to a more traditional form of Christmas entertainment? At this time of year, in primary schools up and down the country, nativity plays are being staged. Children are shuffling around and belting out their lines at top volume.

Having seen the Red Devils' acting talents in adverts on MUTV and, amazingly, in trailers for summer blockbusters, the average five- to 11-year-old is probably a decent match for their abilities.

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With that in mind, let's cast the United nativity.

Some ground rules. First off, this is a play on the primary school tradition of nativity plays rather than anything more formal. No religious significance is intended to be satirised, only the cultural phenomenon. It is the players' ability to act in the parts that is being analysed, not who is actually the most angelic.

Second, we are initially casting some traditional roles—a narrator, Mary, Joseph, the Three Wise Men, three Shepherds, the innkeeper and the Angel who visits the shepherds. Then, like with all good primary school nativities, we are going to invent some parts to give the people who don't get those roles something to do.

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Third, only employed members of United's playing squad are eligible for roles. No turning to Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton to play the wise men. That would be too easy.

Before we get started, this show will be so star-studded it needs an opening act. Paul Pogba, Jesse Lingard and Memphis Depay will be called upon to get the crowd into the show with an amazing choreographed dance routine. We know they can do it.

After that, it's time for the main event. Let's get started.

The Narrator

Gravitas, the power to command an audience and the ability to concentrate on delivering in key moments. Those are the qualities the narrator needs. Step forward the only man for the job: Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

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When Zlatan's narrator is speaking, no one would look elsewhere, such is his level of charisma. Plus he is used to conserving his energy for bursts of performance when the spotlight is on him. It's a perfect fit.

Mary

It's 2016, and it's the theatre, so let's not have any issues around gender here. These are grown men, and one of them is perfectly capable of playing Mary. There will be a lot of lines, so we need a good communicator. We also need someone conveying innocence through their acting.

This is writing itself. Ander Herrera's response to having a foul given against him is the same every single time. He turns to the referee, outraged at the affront. "How can this cruel, feckless official believe that I, Ander Herrera, would ever stoop so low as to foul someone?" he seems to be asking.

And we know he's a good talker. As seen in the video below, Juan Mata once told Full Time Devils he would choose to be stuck on a desert island with David De Gea rather than Herrera because the latter would talk too much, so the lines wouldn't be a problem.

Done deal.

Joseph

The casting of Herrera as Mary only leaves us one option, but in truth, it would have been Mata anyway. It's a big part, and that won't bother big-game Juan, who is used to stepping up when he's needed. And his character's job is to be a bit world-weary, a bit worried and keen to take care of the people around him.

United's No. 8 is a natural fit. Although there would be a slight concern he would commit to Daniel Day Lewis-like levels of preparation and give up football for months to study carpentry. But still, so long as that did not happen, it would definitely work.

The Angel

A vital role, but one that does not take up a lot of stage time. It's one big scene. What you want is someone who needs to be carefully deployed to get the best out of them, then rested ahead of the next performance. An older, statesmanlike member of the squad, perhaps?

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Enter Michael Carrick. Instead of delivering passes to his forwards, he can play the part of the Angel and instead deliver a message to the shepherds.

The Innkeeper

Historians may some day look back on this article and suggest that its inspiration came when the author thought of the following sentence: "David De Gea could play the innkeeper because he is good at keeping things out."

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No one will ever know whether those historians are correct.

The 3 Shepherds

It makes sense to cast defenders as shepherds. After all, they are used to guiding opposing strikers on to their wrong feet and ushering the ball out of play for a goal-kick. And for the purposes of this performance, they need to be good at receiving instructions and following them.

Antonio Valencia has proved himself to be a trusted ally to manager Jose Mourinho, capable of carrying out his wishes on the pitch, so he gets a spot here.

Timothy Fosu-Mensah did a great job of delivering Mourinho's instructions to the bench when the United boss had been sent to the stands against Burnley.

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Luke Shaw has struggled with the manager's instructions but has the energy and enthusiasm to make up for it. He deserves one more chance, even if it is only as Shepherd No. 3.

The 3 Wise Men

Rooney's role as captain has prepared him for this, so he is the first-choice wise man. He is experienced, and the other players look up to him. He will bring that on stage with him, and he has gained a good deal of acting experience from his key roles in various marketing campaigns. He is a natural for the part.

Ashley Young joins Rooney as a representative of the squad's more senior players. He is used to working in an understudy capacity, so No. 2 billing should not bother him too much.

And finally, Daley Blind's cerebral approach to football means he gets the call-up. At 26, he's the youngest by a long way, but his ability to play different positions and adapt to different systems makes him a natural third wise man.

That's the main roles filled. Time to invent some parts for those unused players.

The Back of the Donkey

This is the cruelest casting of all. But Morgan Schneiderlin, unloved and virtually unused by Mourinho, is going to end up here. Like his United career so far, it's all just a big shame.

The Front of the Donkey

For the potential for hilarious hijinks, this has to be Phil Jones.

Breakfast Waiter at the Inn

Yes, this is indeed a part invented with the express purpose of making a Marcos Rojo toast joke.

And with that, the play is cast. There will be a few disappointed faces among the squad who did not get a part, but just like at primary school, there is always next year.