Time to Play the Game: A [Fake] Interview With HHH

Smoke And MirrorsContributor ISeptember 29, 2009

Most of the "Internet Wrestling Community," or the "smarks" or whatever these people call themselves, hold a huge grudge against HHH and claim that he hogs all the attention and uses backstage politics to get whatever he wants. In this [un]fortunate day, I had a chance to meet with none other than Hunter Hearst Helmsley. During this interview, we discuss alot of aspects including: his position within the WWE, his fanbase, his character, his dominance, his numerous title reigns...and a lot more!


FS: Triple H, it is an honor to finally meet you and have this interview with you..

HHH: Yes, Faysal. It is an honor to have me, The King of Kings, The Game, The Cerebral Assasin, The 13-time World Champion, The..

FS: Yes, Hunter, we get the point. Now what do you think of the rumours that you want to out-do Ric Flair's record 16-time World Championships?

HHH: Well, I don't want to out-do 'Naitch's record, but I think I probably will anyway. It's not an "ego" thing, it's just that...let's face it, I am the WWE's top guy, and even though I decline those title's, Vince keeps throwing them at me! Can you believe that?

FS: No, I honestly can't. What about Vince? A lot of people say that you always get your way because of your relationship with Stephanie..

HHH: No! Steph has nothing to do with this. I mean yes, she is the boss's daughter, and yes, she is the head of the creative team, and yes, me and Vince have a pretty strong friendship. But the only reason why I'm the company's top guy is because of my sound, technical mat wrestling, my killer promos, my indubitable charisma, the fact that I get the biggest crowd reaction in the history of this sport, and the millions of dollars I make for the WWE by my merchandise!

FS: Yes, obviously. Now many believe that the only reason you married Stephanie was because...

HHH: Whoah! Let me stop you there Phillip..

FS: It's Faysal..

HHH: Whatever. The only reason I married Steph is because of our love for each other. Now, I know that the timing of my push may raise some eyebrows, because since I married Steph, I suddenly got 13 title reigns, but that is nothing more than mere coincidence. It was around that time that the WWE had noticed that I am the best thing in the world of wrestling and they decided to push me...all a coincidence.

FS: Yes obviously. Now what about Randy Orton? You always made him look like a wimp and a coward whenever you had a feud going on with him. What's that all about?

HHH: Randy...that little piece of shit had it coming for him. He once said that he believes that the greatest wrestler in history is Bret Hart. Can you believe that guy? Right in my face he said that. And as we all know, I am much better than Bret Hart or anyone else at that matter, and he obviously knows that I am the best thing in the world. He obviously just said that to piss me off. He had it coming for him. So I went up to Vinny Mac and I told him that I wanted to bury that little scumbag. So Vince told me...

FS: So you do have some connections backstage?

HHH: No I don't!

FS: You just said that you went to Vince's office and...

HHH: Hey, stop putting words in my mouth you ignorant shit! I didn't say that. Now you better watch your act before I kick you in the gut, put your head between my thighs, hold your arms, and drive your head to the fucking floor, you hear me?

FS: As much as that sounds painful, and homoerotic, I think I'm gonna pass. Okay, so let's change the subject. What about your transition from a heel to a babyface, what do you think about that?

HHH: Well, in the beginning of my main-event career, I was a heel. I believe I won four world titles as a babyface, and nine as a heel. When I started out as a heel, I used to always get a mixed reaction because, let's face it, I am the greatest person who ever stepped foot in the wrestling ring, I know it, you know it, Randy Orton knows it, and the fans know it.

So eventually, because I was so utterly loved, Stephan...I mean the creative team decided to turn me into a babyface. Now some people like Randy Orton may think that I demanded a face-turn to compensate for my low self-esteem, thinking that by hearing millions of people cheering for me and chanting my name may fill the void inside me because my mother never loved me, and my dad used to beat me up as a child BUT RANDY ORTON IS NOT MY DAD! AND I AM A BIG BOY NOW, SO NOBODY CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

FS: Hunter, you really need to see a psychiatrist.

*At that point Paul Levesque started singing his own theme song. He then proceeded to hit me with a clothesline, a high knee strike, a knee-facebuster, a spinebuster, then a pedigree for my troubles. Which left me in a full body cast.*

Thank you for reading my article. The interview did not actually take place, it was just a fictitious piece, a fragment of my imagination if you will. All rights are reserved for the World Wrestling Entertainment Inc.