NFL Week Three Hal-Oscopes: Trust Me, It Might Happen

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Week Two provided many wonderful and horrific football events to ponder and puzzle over.

For instance: when will the Texans' Steve Slaton wake up and realize the regular season has started?

Are the Browns really not going to score an offensive touchdown all year?

Are L.T. and Brian Westbrook both finished?

And well, well, lookie here. Turns out Eli Manning does have some people to throw to.

Week Three will begin to provide some more answers to all of our nagging questions, but for those who can’t wait for the actual games this Sunday and Monday, I give you the Hal-Oscopes.

For those new readers, the Hal-Oscopes are a horoscope of sorts (not really, but play along), for a select group of NFL players and personalities. They are a mystic, cosmic, (and let’s hope) comedic foretelling of the future by the stars.

Brady Quinn (Sunday @ Baltimore)

Quinn is an air sign, which could mean that he’s going to air it out against the not-as-good-as they should be Raven defense. But due to a pathetic running game, average o-line and the decision making speed of a Galapagos Island Turtle, it really means he will spend the majority of his day on his back, staring into the air, sky, and heavens. God Bless, Brady.

Terrell Owens (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Owens scored one TD last week and could’ve easily scored another one as the Bills beat the punch-less Buccaneers. Owens’ ruling planet is Mercury. And Mercury tells us (not is so many words, mind you) that when Owens lines up this Sunday he will be consumed with anger and jealously from watching the Saints aerial assault. Luckily, this is how TO normally plays and lives. So naturally, the Bills upset the undefeated Saints.

Jim Zorn (Sunday @ Detroit)

As a former quarterback Zorn, is either a) confused, b) sickened, or c) confused and sickened when he watches his team play offense. Whatever the answer is, it’s his fault, so he better fix it. The problem is Apollo’s Moon is on the rise and that means trouble on the celestial horizon for Zorn. Unreal expectations and very real communication problems will plague Zorn along with the earthly, plain fact that the Lions

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