Al Davis Screws Us Again

Contributor Written on September 11, 2009

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference to announce the firing of head coach Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California. (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

(Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

The Cincinnati Zoo's eight-year-old cheetah, Sarah, broke the land speed record for a mammal yesterday.

My sources are telling me that Al Davis, enamored by Sarah's pure speed, has traded a 2012 first-round draft pick to the Cincinnati Zoo for Sarah.

However, the situation is complicated by Sarah's contract, which expires after this season. Before being traded by the Cincinnati Zoo, Sarah had assurances by the Zoo staff of an extension.

Davis has dispatched a passenger pigeon carrying an ultimatum for Sarah to report to Oakland in no more than five days.

The Cincinnati Zoo chairman of the Board, Murray Sinclaire, has issued a statement proclaiming any contract problems to be exclusively between the Raiders and Sarah.

Last season, Sarah posted 211 digestions of hares and seven small antelope.

Damn you Mike Brown. How can you just sit idly as Al Davis out seniles you from right under your nose. Can you imagine how nasty our wide receiving group would be with Sarah's speed?

We already have Chad who is faster than a thoroughbred. With Sarah blazing past the secondary and snagging pigskin (cheetahs eat warthogs), defenses would literally not be able to keep up.

First the Heyward-Bey contract and now the fastest thing in Cincinnati since Airborne. Screw you, Al Davis.

This article is also featured on OneManCrimeWave

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written on September 11, 2009 Humor