Oakland Raiders, Highschool Reunions and A.D.S.

Barnavicious XCorrespondent ISeptember 10, 2009

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30:  Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference to announce the firing of head coach Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)

Remember that girl in high school, you know the one I'm talking about...beautiful, popular, everything you wanted...the one you desired above all else but either your lack of physical prowess or pubescent acne prevented you from having. Now, imagine your 10 or 20 year reunion, she's packed on a few, hair cut a little shorter, a little smaller not exactly the goddess you remember. As you roll to your reunion in the only suit you own, in the most expensive car you could afford to rent. You and your fellow dorklings from high school begin to drool at the opportunity to turn the table, erase some of those memories of being stuffed in a locker with your Han Solo panties wrapped around your ears. You arrive and glory is yours, however, it seems she still doesn't notice you or care you're even there, she doesn't care what you think and realistically is still sexier than most of the bar rats you drag home. Then suddenly while gazing at her, you realize you're jealous, you loathe her, you'll never measure up....then it hits you....she is Al Davis.

The "Al Davis Syndrome" or ADS, has victimized most of the NFL and is plaguing the national media outlets. For decades AL and the Raiders sashayed halls of the NFL high, stuffing smaller weaker teams into lockers, stealing their lunch money. Now here, with the 2009 reunion bell about to ring, ADS is reaching pandemic status. The media Geek Squad lead by Shefter and Mortensen continue to demonstrate severe symptoms of ADS. Symptoms include but are not limited to: verbal diarrhea, ficticious journalism, uncontrollable jealousy, chronic gossip, night s and imaginary friends (most commonly referred to as "sources close to the organization"). ADS is highly contagious and many ex NFL players now working as analysts have contracted ADS, most notably Warren Sapp. Sapp was exposed directly to Al Davis for years showing no symptoms of ADS, then after brief exposure to other victims has one of the most severe cases to date. 

Many ADS awareness and support organizations are popping up everywhere. The largest ADS support group is ESPN, however, a word of caution this group is among the most severely infected and even brief exposure can lead to chronic ADS. Smaller groups meet on Sundays in Marty Schottenheimer's basement; members include Mike Shannahan, Norvel Turner and Lane Kiffin. These weekend groups are great if you just want someone to hold you close to their chest and tell you everything is going to be ok while you let out your tears of hatred in a safe environment.

Baby Kiffin began to show immediate symptoms after Al unceremoniously changed his diaper on national television. As a result most of Tennessee is considered a "hot zone" for ADS a possible quarantine is being explored. Those not infected are also advised to stay clear of San Diego County; ADS victims there demonstrate a unique symptom being referred to as "Baboon Ass", thought be the lasting result of a loss to Oakland decades ago in a playoff game and years of Al Davis sticking his loafer you know where.

ADS is unfortunately incurable, if you feel you have contracted ADS contact your local support group and avoid Oakland California. If you have further questions about ADS please email me.