It’s easy to plunk down $4 or $5 for the latest NFL preview magazine and read 66 pages of scouting reports and predictions for the upcoming season that will ultimately be wrong.
What I provide, in 17 syllables per team, is levity, brevity, and spot-on predictions. All for free!
Without further ado, my NFL Preview, in haiku!
1. New England Patriots (13-3)
Young secondary/Expect a lot of shootouts/Brady puts up points
2. Miami Dolphins (8-8)
Wildcat formation/Solid team on O and D/Nothing special though
3. New York Jets (6-10)
Team in transition/Growing pains for Mark Sanchez/They’re a year away
4. Buffalo Bills (4-12)
Edwards! Incomplete!/T.O. throws a hissy fit/Expect that often
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4)
Steel Curtain Defense/Roethlisberger at QB/Good chance to repeat
2. Baltimore Ravens (10-6)
Flacco, future star?/Is the defense still first rate?/Too many questions?
3. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)
Chad Ochocinco,/Twitter, Twitter, little star/How, we wonder. Why?
4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)
Brady at QB/Not that one, the other one/It’s the Browns, you know?
1. Tennessee Titans (11-5)
Smash-mouth football here/They run, they’re solid on D/Always in the mix
2. Houston Texans (10-6)
A team on the rise/Pieces falling into place/Surprise playoff run?
3. Indianapolis Colts (9-7)
Manning is still great/Lots of experience here/Colts are slipping, though
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
Coach on the hot seat/Not many playmakers here/Tough division, too
1. Denver Broncos (10-6)
New regime, QB/Lots of questions and talent/Intriguing upside
2. San Diego Chargers (9-7)
What holds Chargers back?/I think we forget sometimes./It’s Norv Tuner, folks.
3. Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
Don’t wait around for/the Larry Johnson comeback./Expect some struggles.
4. Oakland Raiders (3-13)
Commitment to what?/Excellence is a pipe dream/What are they smoking?
1. New York Giants (10-6)
An awesome defense/But Eli has to wonder/Who do I throw to?
2. Philadelphia Eagles (10-6)
Vick in the Wildcat/McNabb looks over shoulder/Eagles still succeed
3. Dallas Cowboys (8-8)
Romo can relax/Jessica Simpson is gone/Wade Phillips is next
4. Washington Redskins (6-10)
Defense is better/The problem is the offense/Short on playmakers
1. Green Bay Packers (11-5)
Young, active defense/Rodgers will be an All-Pro/Packers’ sweet revenge
2. Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
Brett Favre in purple/Peterson and defense tough/Will make Vikings go
3. Chicago Bears (9-7)
Strong-armed quarterback/Not a lot of weapons though/I sense frustration
4. Detroit Lions (4-12)
Bound to win a few/Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith/Pieces to work with
1. Atlanta Falcons (12-4)
All I hear these days/Matt Ryan: Best since Peyton/He’ll prove it this year
2. New Orleans Saints (9-7)
Defensive problems/Drew Brees: prolific passer/Points galore, for sure
3. Carolina Panthers (9-7)
Running game, defense/Similar to the Titans/Delhomme’s last hurrah?
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13)
Just like the old days/Before the uniform change/Tampa’s bad again
1. Arizona Cardinals (10-6)
Best of a bad bunch/If Kurt Warner stays upright,/Cardinals could go far
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
Solid all-around/No dynamic playmakers/Average all the way
3. San Francisco 49ers (7-9)
Frank Gore runs the show/Defense is underrated/Need help at QB
4. St. Louis Rams (6-10)
How soon we forget/Stephen Jackson is a beast/Not much else here, though
Playoff predictions, not in haiku (seeds in parentheses)
AFC Wild-Card Round
(5) Baltimore over (4) Denver; (3) Tennessee over (6) Houston
NFC Wild-Card Round
(6) Philadelphia over (3) Arizona; (4) NY Giants over (5) Minnesota
AFC Divisional Round
(1) New England over (5) Baltimore; (2) Pittsburgh over (3) Tennessee
NFC Divisional Round
(1) Atlanta over (6) Philadelphia; (2) Green Bay over (3) NY Giants
Conference Championship Games
(2) Pittsburgh over (1) New England; (1) Atlanta over (2) Green Bay
Super Bowl XLIV (or 44, for those who don’t read Roman numerals)
Pittsburgh over Atlanta
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