A 2009 NFL Season Preview

It's that magical time of the year when, as the immortal George Carlin once quipped, "Everything is dying."

That's right NFL fans, the national pastime is back.

Right now, everyone's picks are right...Except for mine. I seem, as smart as I am, to get five of the 12 playoff teams right every year. Yet, I keep on picking. 

It is the parity of the NFL that I blame for my shoddy pickings. This season there are only five teams with no chance of making it to the playoffs. Here is the first list of my 2009 NFL shoddy pickings:

The Five Worst Teams in the NFL

1. Detroit
2. Kansas City
3. Cincin-cinncin-cinsin-the Bengles
4. Cleveland (this is my team, but these dawgs will not have their day)
5. St. Louis

Okay, I have 27 teams left. Let's see if I can't get rid of a few more. So here is the second list of my 2009 yada, yada, yada.

Teams with no shot at the Super Bowl

6. Denver
7. Tampa Bay
8. San Francisco
9. New York Jets
10. Jacksonville

The good news, if you're a fan of one of these teams, they could all get as far as the Conference Championship Game.  But, as Tim Allen's sidekick on Tool Time often quipped,  "I don't think so, Tim."  For the purposes of this quip I'll play the role of Tim. 

Now that we have come to the end of the humor section of my 2009 you know the rest (if you didn't laugh, then it was just an introduction), so now it is time to talk about some winners.

Division Winners

11. Phila-Philla-Philadelf-Philly-The Eagles
12. Green Bay
13. Carolina
14. Arizona
15. New England
16. Pittsburgh
17. Indyan-Indianap-Indiapol-The Colts
18. San Diego

You notice there are no records next to the teams because they're shoddy enough.

Wild Card Teams

19. New York Giants
20. Brett Favre, er, Minnesota
21. Tennessee
22. Oakland

So 11-22 are my playoff teams.  I am reaching with the Raiders because of their talent on the field and their coach is literally cracking skulls.

Why these Teams won't make the Playoffs

23. Dallas — Wade Phillips
24. Chicago — Jay Cutler
25. New Orleans — Defense
26. Atlanta — I might be wrong about them
27. Seattle — Injuries
28. Miami — They won't be as good as they were last year
29. Buffalo — T.O.
30. Baltimore — I hate them like poison
31. Houston — I picked them the last two years, and they let me down
32. Washington — A good team in the toughest division in the NFL

My Greatest Hope for the Season

The Browns go to the Super Bowl.

My more Realistic Hope for the Season

Green Bay beats Minnesota twice (three times, if they meet in the playoffs).

Tom Brady doesn't have his season end in the first quarter (because even though I really hate New England it would mess up my already shoddy picks).

Wild Card Weekend

Green Bay over Minnesota
New York Giants over Arizona
Pittsburgh over Oakland
San Diego over Tennessee

Divisional Weekend

Philly over New York Giants
Carolina over Green Bay
New England over Pittsburgh
Indy over San Diego

Championship Sunday

Philly over Carolina
New England over Indy

Super Bowl XLIV (XLIIII)

Philly over New England

Cheese steaks for everyone as the chowder turns red.