NFL to Implement Mandatory Gender Testing

Alan LupianiCorrespondent IAugust 21, 2009

TAMPA, FL - JANUARY 30:  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell addresses the media at the news conference prior to Super Bowl XLIII on January 30, 2009 at Tampa Convention Center in Tampa, Florida. (Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images)
According to my league mole, the NFL, in an attempt to stay ahead of the world wide "gender bender" craze in sports, will begin testing players for gender identification purposes effective immediately.  

When I asked the mole why the NFL finds it necessary to test players based on gender since, technically, female players are eligible to play in the league, the mole laughed at me, shook his head and said, "You big dummy, where you born yesterday or something?"

The mole proceeded to rattle off the reasons why Roger Goodell and his office are so obsessed with gender:

1) Locker rooms are becoming increasingly isolated and private for the players, as revealed a few seasons ago by Brett Favre's " shower-gate."  Gone are the days when players all share soap on a rope in communal settings.  Therefore, according to the mole, "It's just not that easy to check out your teammates junk to see if he or "she" is legit."

2) Citing a recent flap in Berlin in which a young runner from Africa has been questioned about her gender, the mole said, "Have you seen her?  She makes Randy Moss look pretty."

3) Roger Goodell is an out of the box thinker.  He's always looking for ways to meddle in players lives in order to maintain a high level of control over them.  What better way to do this than with gender testing, especially during rookie contract negotiations. "Michael Crabtree, are you listening out there?"

4) The league has a high level of secrecy and doesn't like surprises.  If a woman were to sneak in under the radar, it could cause a big problem for the NFL's tough guy image.  The mole simply elaborated, "can you say PINK?"

5) When asked which positions are more vulnerable to gender bending, the mole responded without hesitation, "Hands down, kickers and punters, for obvious reasons. However, those wide receivers have been making a good case lately.  Have you been listening to all that whining?  What time of the month is it?"

6) Lastly, the mole cited that gender can be a "messy" issue in which nature doesn't always have a clear cut answer.  The league understands this and in an effort to protect itself from possible lawsuits, believes taking a pro-active stance in this situation is the best answer.  After all, the league is an equal opportunity employer.

Gender testing the players in advance, the mole explains, "allows the league to cover all bases and fend off any little surprises that may pop up."

Overall, the mole stated that fans should not be alarmed by this new development.  He also claimed that Roger Goodell himself once contemplated having a sex change operation back in his college days, but nixed the idea when he realized that it could possibly conflict with his ultimate dream of becoming the NFL commissioner. 

"Fans are just not ready for a "tranny" top dog in the NFL," the mole went on to elaborate, "We are at least five years away from that."

The NFL predicts that it will be the leader in all of sport when it comes to gender testing.

"We will do this the right way and the only way," the mole reports, "Ok, now 1-2-3,  drop your drawers."

"Just kidding, got ya."