Disclaimer: Please note that none of the following is in any way, shape, or form endorsed by any of the wonderful people that run this site. If you are not familiar with how roasts work or are easily offended, then please stop reading. As with any humor, please take the following in the spirit in which it’s intended. If I’ve truly offended anyone reading this, then please...%*#!ing get over yourself.
With Comedy Central running roast reruns and such over the last week, I thought it’d be fun to take part in a roast—the problem being that I’m not famous and probably not funny enough to be invited to one.
The only roast I’ll ever take part in will be in my imagination, so that’s where we’re going today. Off to my imagination, where I’m the only roaster and the SEC coaches are the guests of honor.
Unfortunately, reading a roast may lose a little something in translation, so imagine a roast veteran like Jeffrey Ross or Greg Giraldo delivering these jokes. It may make it slightly more bearable than imagining my hacky, pudgy, unfunny self doing it.
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen. It’s really an honor to be here amongst such respected coaches. The SEC is home to some of the biggest names in the coaching business, as well as some prime targets, so let’s get started.
It seems the dais is filled with the usual stock characters in every roast. The crazy guy, the douchebag, the oversexed one, the other douchebag, the old person, the has-beens, and the people you barely recognize and forget why they're famous. There's also that one guy who nobody really understands why he's there in the first place because he doesn't seem qualified to do this...
"So let's start with Gene Chizik for no apparent or appropriate reason. Yes, Gene's here despite being 5-19 at his last roast. How is it that you do a horrible job but keep being invited back? Do you have the same agent as Keanu Reeves and Vin Diesel?
"Man, Tennessee hires Lane Kiffin the same year Chizik gets hired at Auburn. It was like Christmas for Crimson Tide fans this year. I haven’t seen Alabama fans this happy since segregation.
"You're 5-19 at Iowa State, and then you get a job at Auburn. That’s like George Bush being President of the United States and then being elected President of the World.
"Gene wasn’t the most popular hire, let's be honest. The idea of hiring Chizik was slightly more popular than 'Bobby Petrino Day' in Atlanta.
"There he is, Bobby Petrino. I gotta tell ya Bobby, I sure hope Ryan Mallett isn’t into dogfighting. I’d hate to see you have to move in the middle of the night again. They don't use toilet paper in the Petrino household; they use coaching contracts.
"They really hate you in Atlanta, but can you blame them? Petrino left the city of Atlanta in slightly better spirits than General Sherman did when he left. Bobby has all the likability of Kim Jong Il without all the quirky character traits.
"Les Miles is here...we think. Les is the kinda guy that makes Gary Busey look stable and a coonass look intelligent. Coach Miles has all the speaking proficiency of Muhammad Ali trying to read Sanskrit. Settle down, Les; anyone can beat Bob Stoops it would seem.
"Actually, Les isn’t as stupid as everyone says he is. In fact, we play poker together. Last week he knocked me out of the game with three wild card draw fours, a reverse, and a skip.
"You did a great job in hiring John Chavis, but boy is he ugly. I've always wanted to know what the Native American Ron Jeremy would look like 15 years from now.
"By the way Les, you smell like a corn dog. I don’t really get it either, but apparently it’s really funny to people with very low IQs.
"Mark Richt is here in the first row. But I’m sure by midseason he’ll be in the second or third row. Sometimes it’s nice to have injuries as an instant alibi for how you lost games; you probably would’ve lost with a healthy team in the first place.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say 'first place' when it's obvious you'll never see it again. But Coach Richt, all the Florida women must be so jealous because of the great view you have of Urban Meyer’s ass all the time.
"Houston Nutt is here this evening. What is it with you Arkansas guys in positions of power? You sent Donna Bragg 1,000 text messages? Maybe an unlimited data plan was one of the ways the Rebs wooed you to coach there? Boy, I sure hope they have male news anchors in Oxford.
"You really messed up Arkansas football before you left. I haven’t seen the state of Arkansas disheartened this much since they passed laws against bestiality.
"There's high expectations in Oxford this year. Ole Miss fans having high expectations is like watching a fat guy get on a trampoline. Everyone except the fat guy knows it's a disaster waiting to happen. That still doesn't make it any less funny to watch.
"And Coach Nutt, what's with that hat you wear in practice? You look like Indiana Jones' slow effeminate cousin.
"It's nice to see Nick Saban here. Although he told me he didn’t know how many times he had to say it, he wouldn’t be at this roast. Nick, in 2001, you won a Sugar Bowl in the Superdome. In 2003, you won a Sugar Bowl/National Championship in the Superdome. In 2008, you went to the Superdome for a Sugar Bowl, but what happened? What was different about this last time? I just can’t seem to put my finger on it...
"Sometimes it’s not always the coach, I guess. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do better at Penn State in a few years. They'll need someone to replace their dead coaching legend too.
"Nick has a temper. He's been called a dictator in the past, kind of like Hitler. But Hitler was a little fascist short guy with a moustache that ruled a nation of propaganda-spewing minions that blindly followed him no matter what—people that believed that anyone who disagreed with them must be stopped. Nick, you're nothing like that; you don't have a moustache.
"I don't want to get Nick mad; he might headbutt me in the stomach.
"Urban Meyer is here, although his ego got here 15 minutes before he did. I see you have Tim Tebow with you. Tim, if you’re here, that means all the villages must have enough to eat at the present time. But you do great work Timmy; if it wasn’t for you keeping foreign babies healthy then Angelina Jolie and Madonna wouldn’t have reasons to buy new baby outfits every year.
"It's funny, Tim, that you went into football and not water sports, seeing as how you can walk on top of it. Tim’s a virgin, and that’s nice; you don’t see that much these days. For your virginity’s sake, it’s a good thing you went to Florida, because if Urban recruited you and you chose against Florida, he would’ve found a way to f*** you.
"Bobby Johnson is here also. Granted, he’s here so our collective GPAs will look good, but he’s here nonetheless. Bobby, what are you still doing in Nashville? Vanderbilt went to a bowl last year! Shouldn’t you be coaching Clemson right now or something?
"I mean, you got Vanderbilt to a bowl! That was your ticket out of there. In the casino, are you the kind of guy who hits on 20? Just because you're presently a Commodore doesn’t mean you need to stay on the ship until it goes down.
"Dan Mullen is here. Wait, who is Dan Mullen? Oh, that’s right, the guy from Florida. Coach Mullen, when you took the job at Miss. St., you were aware you couldn’t take any of the Florida players with you, right? You must have gotten some perks in your contract to come to Mississippi State. You’re probably one of the few in Starkville that has electricity and indoor plumbing.
"Good luck in recruiting. Trying to get players to come to Starkville is like trying to get Phil Fulmer away from the buffet line on 'Gravy Night.' I would be worried that I’m offending the Bulldog fans, but they probably can’t understand these jokes anyway. Plus I don't think the Internet has gotten there yet either.
"Rich Brooks is old! It’s OK, he can’t hear any of this.
"Did you know that Rich Brooks used to coach Pop Warner football a long time ago? It’s true. Wait, I read that wrong; I meant he coached Pop Warner in football a long time ago. Tell us Rich, what was football like before the forward pass?
"People, Rich coaches at a basketball school in a football conference. What were you thinking, Coach Brooks? What, was the Duke job not available? At least at Duke you wouldn’t have to go to Knoxville every other year.
"Thought I forgot about you, eh Lane? Ladies and gentlemen (and I use the term 'gentlemen' loosely, Ed Orgeron), Lane Kiffin makes more bad decisions than Amy Winehouse in Amsterdam. Coach Kiffin says he does all these things to get attention to the University of Tennessee; well Lane, you know who else has a lot of attention? Britney Spears.
"The way you’re running your program, you make the Octo-mom look responsible. Do you even think before you say things? You’re like Les Miles without all the restraint and forethought.
"Steve Spurrier probably thought I forgot him too. That's because most of us did. He's in the back, hiding in the shadows. Which is appropriate, I guess, since he is one of his former self.
"Steve misses the '90s more than Fred Durst and dot.com stocks. Poor old Steve doesn’t see double-digit wins in Columbia unless it’s across the sidelines when Florida comes to town.
"You’ve made more bad career moves than Lindsay Lohan. But most of us can see you just coach now so you’ll have something to do in between rounds of golf.
"In fact, I think Steve is itching to get to his tee time, so I have to get out of here.
"Thanks for letting me make fun of my favorite conference, and good night."
By the way, no actual feelings were hurt during the making of this roast, except maybe my own with that Joe Pa joke. I love the guy; I hope he coaches for another 20 years. That was the only joke I thought that teetered on the line, and I debated on whether or not to cut it. But he is old, and I did call him a legend.
Yeah, that's right—Hitler, bestiality, segregation all fine; Joe Paterno's mortality offended my delicate sensibilities. Go figure.