Greetings readers! I'm very excited to bring you another unfunny edition of the Joke-A-Thon. Tonight's topic? My beloved New York Yankees vs. our nemesis the Boston Red Sox in Game 1 of a crucial four game series.
6:24 I just arrived at the Home Team Grill right here near the campus of my alma mater, Virginia Commonwealth University! (GO RAMS!!!) I arrive while they are in the midst of happy hour. As usual my timing is impeccable.
6:36 We start tonight's edition on a somber note. I just found out legendary 80s director John Hughes (The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Sixteen Candles) died of a heart attack in New York City. His movies provided some of the more defining moments of my childhood. He was the king of teen angst movies and had one of the best comedic resumes in Hollywood. This sucks.
7:07 Game time: This seems like a great moment to acknowledge the fact that my Yankees are 0-8 against a very suspect Boston Red Sox this season.
Our record against the rest of baseball? 65-34.
Don't worry. I'm just as confused as you are!!!
C'MON JOBA! DO IT FOR STEPHEN!!!
7:13 Since the geniuses here at the bar decided to NOT turn the volume on for the game, I'm stuck with listening to Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners. I just died and went to hell.
7:18 Hey look boys and girls! It's Florida Evans from Good Times!!! Oh, wait. It's David Ortiz.
7:19 Brace yourself my fellow Yankee fans as I attempt to defend David Ortiz.
Should the rest of the 100 or so names on this infamous steroids list from 2003 be made public? Yes sir! Joe Morgan on ESPN's Baseball Tonight gave some lame reason the other night why he thought the other names should be protected. He really made no sense at all.
The rest of those names should be released. Why should A-Rod, Manny Ramirez, and Ortiz be the ones who have to defend themselves? If their names were leaked, then ALL of the names should be leaked. This way, the story will die quicker, instead of what we have now with a couple of names being released every four months.
At this point, steroids in baseball is one topic that has made the fans practically numb. We don't care anymore! Just release the list so we can get on with the rest of our lives! And if Big Papi has to face the music, then he shouldn't have to face it alone!!!
There. I just took 10 seconds to defend David Ortiz. I will now go back to hating his guts!
7:27 The bar manager just switched the sound to the game. Gee, I wonder what made you change your mind Mr. Bar Manager? Was it when the bar crowd started to boo or was it when they all gave you the collective middle finger???
7:29 This seems like a GREAT time to mention that my fellow Yankee buddy Anthony has instructed me to mention him every time I talk about the Yankees. He's a bank manager for SunTrust in Atlanta.
There, I said it. You've been mentioned. Now could you please stop stabbing me in the back with that voodoo doll? I don't want to bleed to death in this bar!
7:32 Right on cue, A-Rod strikes out . . . again. He's now gone 59 at bats without a homer which is the longest homer-less streak of his career. I blame Kate Hudson.
7:44 Joba escapes after a shaky second inning. In an unrelated story, Rashard Lewis of the Orlando Magic was suspended 10 games for testing positive for steroids today. NBA players are taking steroids? WOW! And why do I have the feeling that, upon hearing this news, Bud Selig jumped up on his desk and started dancing to James Brown's I Feel Good?
7:51 It feels like 1999 all over again. My Yankees are in first place, John Smoltz is pitching for a championship contender, and Bill Clinton is bringing home women in the middle of the night!!!
7:55 APPARENTLY NOBODY TAUGHT JORGE POSADA HOW TO FREAKING SLIDE AT HOME PLATE!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS DUDE? WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT???
7:56 They're showing the replay of that atrocious out at home plate that Posada just made. Everybody in the bar is laughing at him. Somebody please kill me!
8:01 Dustin Pedroia just went deep, 1-0 Sox. Joba's making me real nervous . . .
8:16 Johnny Damon just answered with a solo shot of his own. He's been real solid this year. This is the last year of his contract and I'm actually going to miss him.
Wait! What the heck am I talking about? He's about to turn 36, he's barely coherent in the outfield, he slower than molasses, and he throws like a girl. I'm not going to miss him at all!
8:28 Casey Kotchman just homered off of Joba. 3-1 Sox.
Joba is part-Native American and belongs to the Winnebago tribe. I just looked it up. In Winnebago his name actually means "He who pitches good only against bad teams."
8:38 WAY TO GO ROBBIE! Robinson Cano just hit a single bringing home Posada. 3-2 Sox. Luckily for us Posada didn't have to slide.
8:43 MELKY! MELKY! Melky Cabrera just went yard off of John Smoltz. A three-run shot! Yankees lead 5-3!
8:44 Hey Theo Epstein, GREAT job bringing John Smoltz to Boston by the way. The 42-year old has a 2-5 record, his ERA is above 8, and by the end of the night his seasonal total for hits will be 59 and his earned runs will be 37. That's horrific numbers for 40 innings of work.
8:51 Good grief! We've got base runners galore! Have I already mentioned how dreadful Smoltz is tonight? I haven't seen a washed-up old guy this publicly embarrassed since Hugh Hefner found out Holly Madison was cheating on him with "Mindfreak" Criss Angel!
8:54 Hideki Matsui grounds into a force out which promptly brings home Johnny Damon. 6-3 Yanks.
8:54 Red Sox skipper Terry Francona has seen enough. Goodbye John Smoltz. Not just for-tonight, but forever.
8:59 JORGE JUST WENT DEEP! YANKS 9-3!
9:00 Ok, Jorge. I take back what I just said. I no longer want to sneak into your house and strangle you in your sleep for that embarrassing out you made at home plate!!!
9:09 The Yanks score 8 runs in the bottom of the fourth. Smoltz's stat line: eight runs in three-and-a-half innings. YIKES! The last time I saw someone get pounded as bad as Smoltz just got pounded, I was watching a DVD of Ron Jeremy's greatest hits!
9:17 Joba has a six-run lead. If he blows this I'm afraid he's gonna need Obama's Secret Service detail for protection!
9:25 Joba strikes out Nick Green to end the inning but not after the Sox score one. 9-4 Yankees.
9:26 We're up over Boston by five runs . . . so why do I feel more nervous than a black Harvard Professor who just realized he lost his house key?
9:31 two-run double by Hideki Matsui! Yanks 11-4!!!
9:33 In a totally unrelated rant: I've been thinking about this for awhile now. Are we sure that the guy who created baseball was not a nymphomaniac?
Take for instance the terminology: the pitcher? the slider? the catcher?
Hmm . . . sounds suspiciously like Kama Sutra positions to me.
Or how about in "dude-talk" when we guys use baseball terminology to brag out our exploits with a girl? For instance, when a buddy of mine tells me he made it to "first base" with a girl, it usually means he made out with her in the back seat of his car. "Second base" involves quite a bit of naughty fondling. "Third base" means he and his girl are reenacting the Billy Bob Thornton/Halle Berry love scene in Monster's Ball!
And if my buddy ever tells me that he made it to "home base" with a girl . . . well the first thing I'm going to do is find out if that little hooker has a sister!!!
9:50 I'm tipsy by the way . . .
9:51 You've heard of drunk-dialing and drunk-texting? Well I'm drunk-blogging and it is grate, er, great!
10:02 Derek Jeter just singled, bringing home Jerry Hairston. 12-4 Yanks.
10:20 Reliever Mark Melancon just struck out Jacoby Ellsbury to end the top of the seventh. Since this game is the opposite of competitive, I've decided to check out the ladies in the bar.
10:21 There's a couple of chatty girls sitting at the table in front of me. The cute one looks like a younger version of Meredith Baxter.
10:22: This is how you know you've had too much to drink. You mention the words "cute" and "Meredith Baxter" in the same sentence!!!
10:23 Mark Teixeira just solo homered. And the lead is nine!
10:24 A-Rod is now at the plate followed by the obligatory shot of Kate Hudson who's sitting in the stands. She has made only one good movie in her life (Almost Famous) and that was almost 10 years ago. From Madonna, to Kate Hudson, it's obvious A-Rod likes to date celebrities who are past their prime. Who's next A-Rod, huh? Renee Zellweger? Catherine Zeta-Jones? Meredith Baxter?
10:32 Yessss! Melancon just plunked Pedroia (who's pissed!). Good.
HEY DUSTIN, NOW YOU KNOW HOW JETER FEELS WHEN YOU GUYS (ALWAYS) HIT HIM!!!
10:33 Would it be wrong if I went up to Meredith Baxter's young lookalike and sung the theme to Family Ties? I'm seriously considering it!
11:00 I'm going home. The Yankees finally beat the Red Sox, 13-6, which means everything is alright with the world. At least until tomorrow night.
11:07 I walk in the door of my house, turn on the TV, and I swear, what's the first thing I see?
Meredith Baxter-Birney (as she was known then) in an old rerun of Family Ties!
WOW! You just can't make this stuff up!
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!