Eugene Parker's Madoffer to the San Francisco 49ers

Brian O'FlahertyContributor IJuly 27, 2009

LOS ANGELES, CA - JULY 15:  NFL player Michael Crabtree arrives at the 2009 ESPY Awards held at Nokia Theatre LA Live on July 15, 2009 in Los Angeles, California. The 17th annual ESPYs will air on Sunday, July 19 at 9PM ET on ESPN.  (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images for ESPY)

I'm sure Eugene Parker was very happy with himself when he landed Michael Crabtree as his client.


Because in his mind, he was GAURANTEED to hit on a top-five contract.


You see, in the modern world, when reality does not quite meet up with expectation you just delve into the realm of “make believe” and SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL. Sell it hard.


Sell it to the public. Sell it to your clients. Sell it to yourself. And eventually, sadly, unfortunately, people might just be foolish enough to bite the hook and go along for the ride.



Reality Isn't playing fair value


You see, in the modern world, when a business fails (and the business is GIGANTIC), reality changes and now the business is simply declared “too big to fail,” and, instead of failing, it “succeeds,” and receives record profits in-turn.


Want a piece of the “unreality pie?” Silly rabbit, “make believe reality” is reserved only for “high-rollers.”


If you want a piece of this privileged “unreality pie” you better succeed in reality first. THEN you can live in Always Land.


But really...


Eugene Parker is Crabtree's agent. That means we're talking about millions of dollars, which in-turn means that when expectation does not meet reality, everything immediately shifts into the land of unreality and everything turns out fine and dandy (at the expense of those living in reality).


Crabtree had a market value of a top five pick. Which means he is obviously WORTH that kind of money.


If Crabtree loses, lets say, half that value, then this is precisely the time when unreality must kick in, because if it doesn't...oh boy...just thinking about it makes me shiver... those living in reality will face a much more dark, dreary reality.



But I've got leverage, reality boy...


"You've got nothing. You've got a slick suit and flapping lips."


You see, since Eugene Parker has been living in the world of “unreality,” he has obviously not been keeping up with current events in the land of reality.


People (who live in reality) are not too fond of this whole “bail-me-out-daddy” reverse Robin Hood make believe billionaire bailout extravaganza. In fact, they're getting kind of PISSED.


If Eugene Parker holds Crabtree out, in hopes of receiving an unreality check for a top five pick, then he better get real, because his clients image will begin to corrode with the fans (most of whom are proudly part of team reality) who are the ones who REALLY pay Eugene's salary.


“Eugene, how many fewer advertising endorsements will your client receive if he is less popular with the fan base?”


“It might not matter to you, but you're client will suffer in the long term for it. People will place the blame on Crabtree.”


He already has a “diva” stigma associated with him in the media, and if “he” holds out, how much stronger do you think the Crabtree news starved media will push the idea of an idling Michael Crabtree's “diva” image?

It will be the only thing to talk about, since he is not on the field (well at least not on a real field, perhaps in Eugene Parker's mind he is already in the Hall-Of-Fame).


But that was a leading question.


The real question is, “How happy do you think your high profile client will be when he realizes you just solidified his 'diva' image and hurt his advertising possibilities by hurting his image with the fan base?”


I can answer that one for you, since you might be confused while living in a world of unreality; NOT VERY.



Let's play Hangman...


Do you like Poker Eugene? Guess what game you are NOT playing? Poker.


Instead, you are playing Hangman.


If you cannot correctly (ie “in reality”) answer some simple questions about your client's image and what a hold-out will do for it, you will hang your client out to dry, and the vultures will pounce faster than you can say “top-five.”


Memo to Micheal Crabtree:

Advertising contracts can earn you just as much, if not more than your NFL salary. So good luck with your agent, because he's playing Hangman with your career, but thinks its OK, because in Toon Town nobody really gets hurt, they just get unlucky.


The question you have to ask is, “Do you want people to think you're a football player, or Roger Rabbit?”


I mean, REALLY...