Throughout the league, coaches will be choosing players for their defense based on speed, agility, intelligence, overall toughness, and so on.
Well, not the New England Patriots.
This year's defense will be chosen mostly by their names. Bill Belichick has been working on this new approach for a few years, and this will be the year he turns the league on its head with his most brilliant defensive strategy to date.
Names. That's it—just great names.
Tully Banta-Cain sounds like something he is going to do to you: "Tully's gonna Banta-Cain you!"
Tedy Bruschi? Come on, people—the name says it all. He's a blue-collar linebacker with a blue-collar name. Brewwwwwwski! In fact, I'll be right back; I'm going to the fridge to get a brewski right now.
Adalius Thomas sounds like a great Greek God or a Great Roman General. ADALIUS, Commander of the Army of the North East.
Brandon Meriweather is the team forecaster: "Today's forecast calls for dark overcast clouds at safety and a 100 percent chance of interception. For Channel 31 weather, I'm Brandon Meriweather. Have a great day."
Jerod Mayo: I'll take the special of the day—a can o' whoop-ass, heavy on the Mayo, please.
As for Richard Seymour, some family members just call him Dick Seymour, as in it's what you will see knocked in the dirt on every play.
Don't look now, but Shawn is about to Spring a beatdown on you.
Brace yourself for Ron, because this is going to hurt.
Patrick Chung is currently one of my favorite names added to the Patriots defense. Chung just sounds like some sort of crazy martial arts move from a Bruce Lee movie, or maybe it's what you toss after he puts a hit on you. Either way, you can't go wrong with a name like that.
As for Tank Williams, are there any other teams that have their own cavalry unit in the defensive backfield?
Darius Butler: "Your ambulance has arrived; this way, sir." (*1) Or how about the fact his initials are DB, if that doesn't make it obvious what he was born to do. (*2)
"We stuck a Wilfork in that offense, and they're done!" (*3)
So sorry, Steelers fans, your defense just isn't cutting it anymore.
Tyrone Carter? Really? We all remember that administration and how that worked out.
James Farrior? Come on, tell me you don't still believe in fairies.
William Gay? How can someone that happy be hard-hitting on defense? (For all you kids out there, look up the definition before commenting.)
These are just a few examples of how the Steelers just don't have it anymore. Sorry—maybe they can try the copycat routine in 2010.
Well, there you have it: the toughest defense in the NFL. Don't you just hate the way Bill Belichick always comes up with a new way to outsmart every other coach?
Oh, and by the way, don't mess with the Patriots offense either. They have their own legal representation with the law firm BenJarvus Green-Ellis.
I hope I was able to give you a chuckle, and if I did I ask that you please follow the link for my name to read some of my other work.
1. The credit for this one goes to F111-F from CBS football message board.
3. Credit to Charles Henry of B/R in the comment section.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!