Coincidence: The Mysticism of Terrell Owens

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Coincidence: The Mysticism of Terrell Owens
(Photo by Tim Boyles/Getty Images)

co⋅in⋅ci⋅dence [koh-in-si-duhns]

NOUN

1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance: Our meeting in Venice was pure coincidence.

Synonyms:  accident, luck, fate.

What do the following numbers mean to you: 104.7 and 97.6.

For Las Vegas residents like myself, regrettably, it's the week's high and low.

For Raiders fans, it's the temperature of Al Davis' heart depending on how many virgins have been sacrificed on the given day.

For Clippers fans, it's the average amount of bad decisions Mike Dunleavy has made in the past two days.

For Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia, it's their highest quarterback rating in a single year. These were the years that these quarterbacks established themselves within the top tier of the NFL's elite position.

Maybe it's an accident that in each of these years, McNabb and Garcia's teams had their best finishes this decade. Perhaps it's luck that these were the years that both of these quarterbacks set career highs in passing yards and touchdowns.

A coincidence insinuates coinciding outcomes between different variations of a similar situation, involving a change in variables and constants. While the variable (teams) differentiates between each quarterback the constant is the same: Terrell Owens.

Terrell Owens, also known as the "Man You Love to Hate".

Owens, also known as the the Sugarhill Gang of the elaborate wide receiver touchdown celebration—Chad Johnson obviously being Jay-Z in this rap metaphor.

Owens should also be known as the "Quarterback's Ghandi".

He saved McNabb from the Philadelphia critics. After three consecutive NFC Conference Championship losses, the Philly fans were once again ready to kick McNabb and his Chunky soup-promoting mother right out of Philadelphia. 

Enter Terrell Owens, and a Super Bowl birth.

He saved Jeff Garcia's back from the 900-pound gorilla that is quarterbacking in San Francisco after the eras of the great Joe Montana and Steve Young.

Enter Terrell Owens, and the highest career quarterback rating that a 49ers quarterback ever had. Yes, higher than Montana's and Young's

Deciding to save his greatest miracle for last, Terrell Owens helped a second-string, undrafted rookie from Division 1-AA Eastern Illinois secure the starting quarterback spot for America's Team.

This led to Jessica Simpson, and we still aren't sure which is the greater accomplishment.

In each of these quarterback's best years, Terrell Owens had his best year with each team. In each of these quarterback's first full year with Owens, their quarterback ratings, yards thrown for, passing touchdowns, and wins dramatically improved.

Coincidence?

Accident?

Luck?

Somewhere in Upstate New York, donning the pungent aroma of wing sauce cologne, Trent Edwards is wearing his dreams of a 4,000 yard season like pajamas.

 

In an interview with Playboy magazine that hits newsstands Friday, Owens was asked if he thinks Garcia is gay. Owens responded: "Like my boy tells me: 'If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat, by golly, it is a rat.' "

Owens also said the Eagles would be undefeated with Green Bay's Brett Favre at quarterback.

"A number of commentators will say he's a warrior, he's played with injuries," Owens said, referring to Favre. "I feel like him being knowledgeable about the quarterback position, I feel like we'd probably be in a better situation."

"Answering a fan who said he was unhappy that T.O. left Dallas, Owens tweeted: 'Neither ws i, blame the OC & romo!! but i’m happy 2 b where i am but i miss the other guys tht were & r true teammates!!'"

Owens, who should be known as the NFL's "Bizarro Santa Claus"

Jeff Garcia is gay. 

Donovan McNabb can't win like Brett Favre can.

Tony Romo drove me out of Dallas.

Terrell Owens can't help but ensure his quarterbacks don't leave empty handed. While the media will always remember the vocal presents wrapped in paper sheets of disdain, topped with a mercurially malicious bow, McNabb and Garcia will remember gifts of a different kind. 

In their first respective seasons without Terrell Owens, McNabb's Eagles went 6-10 and Jeff Garcia had one of his worst seasons to date after signing with the Cleveland Browns. Another coincidence?

Accident?

Luck?

 

In a world raised to be humble and modest , Terrell Owens has an ego that Kanye West and Beyonce couldn't fathom in a studio together.

Flamboyant is the paper mache he uses to create the facade he wears. Ostentatious is the glue that holds it together. It is crafted finely, much like his skillset as a wide receiver. 

The more you look into the variables, the more you come to realize this translucent veneer of feigned humility serves a pertinent purpose. 

Fuel.

Each time the world has proclaimed him finished, too old, too slow, too egotistical, too selfish, too ANYTHING with a negative connotation attached, Terrell Owens has used it as a launching-pad into the stars—be it centerfield of Texas Stadium or the television show.

So, if you dislike Terrell Owens, by all means, you have a reason to. It's not a coincidence.

No accident.

No luck.

Try option C: Fate.

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