UFC 100: Breakdown By a Guy Who Doesn't Really Follow UFC

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UFC 100: Breakdown By a Guy Who Doesn't Really Follow UFC
(Photo by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images)

The Ultimate Fighting Championship held its 100th event on July 11, 2009 at the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas.

I'll be honest: I don't follow the UFC too closely. I'll watch it on Spike, and I've got a group of friends I watch the Pay-Per-View events with, but I don't get into the conversations about the merits of various fighting styles or anything. I just like seeing guys beat the tar out of each other.

Since the theme of the event was "Making History," I figured I'd bring a notepad and take some notes and make my own history by writing about the UFC for the first time.

This isn't going to be in-depth analysis, but hopefully you'll get a chuckle.

The first televised fight was Yoshihiro Akiyama against Alan Belcher.

When Belcher came out, his stat box mentioned he was "well-conditioned." That's a strength? You'd certainly hope a guy would be well-conditioned heading into a fight.

Akiyama came out to the dulcet sounds of Andrea Bocelli. My friends and I have discussed what songs we'd come out to. Favorites have included "I Will Always Love You," "Copacabana" and [NWS for language] "Punch Him in the [Junk]," but somehow "Con te Partiro" never came to mind.

The only thing I could focus on during the fight was Belcher's tattoo on his left arm. What the hell was it? Fat Albert? Or was it a grossly distended Will Smith as Mohammed Ali?

More important to me was why. Why would Fat Albert be on a grown man's arm? Did he lose a bet?

And then the fight was over, with a questionable victory given to Akiyama. Perhaps Belcher was unfairly penalized for following Juicy Karkass' advice, or maybe the judges missed his totally sweet backflip to get back up after slipping on the mat. He was robbed.

Next on the card was Michael Bisping against Dan Henderson.

First, do we really need subtitles for Bisping? He's from Manchester, not Manchuria.

The first two strengths listed for Bisping in his stat box were "fast starter" and "punches in bunches." What the hell do those words mean? More on those pre-fight stats later.

I'm half-English, and seeing Bisping get knocked out in the second round wasn't a great outcome. For me, the the highlight of the fight came when the pug-faced Henderson had his trunks pulled open and water poured on his "Henderson Jr." Presumably Henderson had earlier rubbed some Miracle-Gro in the area.

Next up was the Welterweight Championship fight with Thiago Alves fighting Georges St. Pierre.

When St. Pierre came out, his stat box had three useful tidbits; things like his fighting style, his record, and the fact that he was a "complete fighter."

It bugs me when other fighters come out and I have to read things like "strong jaw." Give me something to work with, and not some cutesy "kicks are in the mix" nonsense, please. Find something substantive about a fighter, and use it.

St. Pierre is a hugely popular fighter, and is immensely talented as well. However, I just can't get behind a fighter who wears tight trunks. It's like trying to watch NBA footage from the 1970s—nothing is left to the imagination and it's distracting.

St. Pierre wins the award for Most Elaborate Pre-Fight Finery, though. Memo to George: You're Canadian. Lose the Japanese flag headband. Also, if you're going to wear a jacket, maybe get fitted for one with bigger sleeves that fit over your gloves so you don't look like an 8-year-old with ADD trying to take it off, okay?

St. Pierre dominated all five rounds of the fight, giving Joe Rogan the chance to inform us that Alves left his mother in Brazil when he was 19. I guess he came to live the American dream of getting the crap beat out of him by a French-Canadian.

Alves fought as well as he could, given the fact that his opponent is often called the "pound-for-pound best fighter" in the UFC.

All that's left for St. Pierre now is to move up to Middleweight and fight Anderson Silva.

The next fight was the second main event, the Heavyweight Championship fight between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar.

Was I the only person who noticed the principal from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" walking behind Lesnar?

Lesnar "fought" in the WWE before making the switch to the UFC, and can't seem to leave the WWE's theatrics behind, making him a polarizing figure in the UFC.

I don't mind that Lesnar won the fight. He easily dominated Mir, despite Mir's first-round thumbs-up to his corner. I just mind the way Lesnar did it.

Lesnar didn't touch Mir's gloves at the start of the fight, and, after Lesner won and the crowd booed him, Lesnar showed true class by shooting the double bird. In his post—fight interview with Rogan, Lesnar dumped on UFC sponsor Bud Light, saying "They don't pay me."

Someone needs to sit Lesnar down and explain to him that if he wants to avoid boo birds and get a paycheck from Anheuser-Busch, he needs to be less of a jagoff.

I'd love to like Lesnar. He's a big guy and he pounded on Mir's face for just over eight minutes which is what I tune in to see. But he's a terrible person and I can't get behind that.

The last fight of the night was Paul Thiago against Jon Fitch.

I'm not at all sure why this match was scheduled after two main events. Really, I'm not. If someone can give me the reason for a fight being scheduled after the main event, please comment.

Given that it was two guys I'd never heard of and after the main event, I found it hard to care too much about the fight.

Fitch took control towards the end of the first round and never let up, always in control of the grappling going on.

Fitch won the fight unanimously.

In all, a fairly solid UFC Pay-Per-View event. I'm already looking forward to August, when Forrest Griffin fights Anderson Silva.

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