President Bush and Eli Manning had a private sit down in the Oval Office yesterday and my secret sources have slipped me the tape. Here's a partial transcript of what was said...
W – E-dog, I just want to welcome you to the White House and congratulate you on a successful season. Your pass rushing defense strategery clearly paid off.
Eli – Gee thanks. Wow, that’s a really cool chair.
W – You want to take it for a spin?
Eli – You don’t mind?
W – Heck no I don’t mind, I did the same thing my first day here. Hop up there partner.
Eli begins spinning in the Presidents chair.
Eli – Peyton had an awesome chair like this but he would never let me sit on it. He’s such a dick like that. Oh, I’m starting to get a belly ache. I better stop.
Eli stands, a bit wobbly, then regains his balance. He notices the Red Emergency Phone.
Eli – Is that like the Batphone or something? Ha ha!
W – Yeah I talk to like world leaders and stuff on the phone in case anything goes down and I have to whoop some ass or something.
Eli – Batman is so much better than Superman. Like Superman, how does he fly? He just puts his arms in the air? What is that? Batman’s like a real dude who has an awesome car and a butler. Peyton loves Superman, he always says Superman would kick Batman’s ass but I’m like ‘Superman’s not even real’. He just doesn’t get it. And Cooper loves The Punisher. He’s not even a super hero. They can never make fun of me for Batman! Batman is the bomb-diggity.
W – I hear ya Big E, Jeb always used to say I was half-retarded but look who’s sitting in the Oval Office and who’s sweating his nards off in Florida now, right?
Eli – Oh man, after the Super Bowl I totally got Cooper good. He didn’t come to the game because he said I was only going to embarrass myself so I called him after we destroyed the Patriots and I was all “looks like they should call it the Manning VP”… or something like that. I forget what I said exactly but it was hilarious and totally burned him.
W – It sounds hilarious, E-Train.
Eli – Yeah Cooper’s always saying how great he would’ve been if his knee hadn’t given out and I’m just like whatever Cooper, why don’t you go do some investment banking or whatever it is you do and leave the football to me and Peyton.
W – Well looks like you’re out of Peyton’s shadow now.
Eli –He keeps asking me to do those stupid commercials with him. Did you see the ESPN one with Mom and Dad? He kicked me in my buttocks so hard I got this huge bruise. We did like 20 takes and I had to get treatment on it the next day. Almost missed a practice! Mom always tells him he’s too rough with me. But the Oreo one we did was awesome, wasn’t it? I’ve never licked anything that much in my life.
W – Speaking of which I heard you just got married too, that’s great. Glad to see someone still respects the institution of marriage.
Eli –It was alright, we’re going on our honeymoon next week. And that’s when I’ll finally score the biggest touchdown of all if you know what I mean…
W – C’mon Elmo, you still haven’t sealed the deal? What you waiting for?
Eli – We made the decision when we met freshman year at the Ole’ Miss Ice Cream Social that it’s really best to wait. Not only until your wedding night but till your honeymoon so you know what it’s like to be married before the sex complicates everything. We’re even considering pushing it out till after next season just because I don’t want to be distracted this upcoming season.
W – Right. Well, no pressure. I mean, you’re a Super Bowl MVP.
Eli – Damn right I am. That’s what me and Peyton make Cooper call us. MVP 1 and MVP 2. It totally gets his goat.
W – Well you and Peyton sure have had ole’ Tom Brady’s number the past couple seasons.
Eli – Tom Brady, more like Tom Schmady! He thinks he’s all that with his model girlfriend and Super Bowl rings and those big blue eyes that you just get lost in when he’s talking and gives you that tingly feeling down in your privates.
W – Yeah he’s a good looking dude, I mean he’s the Stetson man. Forget about it! I’d totally hit that and I hate gays.
Eli – Well I showed him.
W – Brady better R-Eli-ze who the better quarterback is! See what I did there?
Eli – Good one, Pres.
W – I got a gift for nicknaming people. No one knows where I got it from but let’s just say it’s a useful skill when you’re the leader of the free world.
Eli – Cooper used to call me Shitstick. I don’t know why.
W – Well we should probably head out to the Rose Garden. The Press is waiting for us and we both know how much bad stuff they’ll write about you when you make them wait.
Eli – I hear that, Pres.
Eli goes for the door, opens it and finds someone sitting inside.
W – That’s the Presidential crapper, E-mo Phillips.
Eli – So that’s Cheney’s undisclosed location.