Sports Fans Who Made Bad Life Choices

Matt Haupert@@matthaupFeatured ColumnistMay 29, 2014

Sports Fans Who Made Bad Life Choices

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    Ted S. Warren/Associated Press

    Sports fans can be great.

    They get really excited about their teams, are great socializers and always have an excuse to throw a party.

    They can also be idiots.

    They drink too much. They get tattoos that they'll regret forever. They race across the field during games, desperate for attention, and end up in jail for the rest of the year.

    But these are the fans that we find the most fascinating. The overzealous fans. The dangerously passionate fans.

    The fans who make horrible, awful decisions that lead them to regret, depression, embarrassment, bankruptcy and sometimes prison.

    And these are the fans that we celebrate today.

    Though it may be too late for them to take back their bad life choices, there's still plenty of time for the rest of us to laugh.

The Guy Who Got a Tim Tebow Centaur Tattoo

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    Jim Rogash/Getty Images

    Tebow Time may have been short-lived, but for this Broncos fan, it will last forever.

    Whether it was the result of true devotion or (more likely) a lost bet, this man has been permanently inked with a reminder of Tim Tebow's briefly magical but primarily disastrous career as an NFL quarterback, decorating his body with an image of a Tebow centaur labeled "Tebow Time."

    The big question I have is whether this guy is actually a Denver Broncos fan or just a Tebow enthusiast. If the latter is true, the tattoo is complicated by the fact that Tebow has been drawn as a half-man, half-bronco, paying tribute to a team that has long since released him.

    Perhaps this was eventually adjusted to represent a half-man, half-jet, then a half-man, half-patriot and finally a half-man, half-free agent.

    He should be able to keep it in that last form for a good while.

The Kid Who Ran on the Field at the All-Star Game

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    Many fans have hopped the fence, sprinted onto the field of a sporting event and gone on to pay steep consequences.

    None, however, have made themselves look quite as ridiculous as the legendary Dylan Masone, who raced on field at the 2013 MLB All-Star Game and documented the whole thing on Twitter.

    Masone, making good on a promise that he'd do the deed if he got enough retweets, was king of the world for a fleeting moment. Arms outstretched and fingers pointed toward the sky, he raced toward second base as the world watched in veiled jealousy.

    And then, quite suddenly, he was tackled to the ground and arrested, facing a $1000 fine and up to a year in prison.

    Masone apparently pleaded not guilty to interfering with a professional sporting event. I'm trying to imagine exactly what his defense was supposed be.

    "I didn't know there was a game going on!"

    "I was trying to find the restroom!"

    "I'm an idiot!"

    Well, I'll definitely buy that last one.

The A's Fan Who Gave a Foul Ball to His Son

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    It's every boy's dream to catch a foul ball at a baseball game and cherish it as a souvenir forever.

    Since most do not accomplish this dream in their childhood, it then develops into every adolescent's dream, every teenager's dream, every young adult's dream and then, finally, the embarrassing and far-too-common dream of every grown man.

    Well, this A's fan finally got the special night he had been waiting for after a man nearby tossed him his very own foul ball during a game last April.

    He didn't quite catch it himself, but hey, at that age, you take what you can get.

    Unfortunately, the man then made the ill-fated decision to hand the ball to his son, who had not been waiting nearly as many years for this to happen and promptly threw it back onto the field.

    His brother was reduced to tears and his father was left wondering why he brought the kids in the first place.

    I'll just say it—I hope that kid remembers this when he has his own goatee and children and is still trying to catch a foul ball.

The Man Who Intentionally Vomited on a Little Girl

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    ...and then there's the infamous Matthew Clemmens, who thought it would be oh so funny to stick his fingers down his throat and intentionally vomit on two little girls and their dad at a Phillies game.

    Yes, intentionally.

    Yes, on two little girls.

    This one is almost too disturbing to talk about. Clemmens was arrested and sentenced to three months in jail, but the legacy of Philadelphia fans as the worst in all of sports lives on, stronger than ever.

The Guy Who Got a "Mount Spursmore" Haircut

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    I know I just added this guy to a list of "sports fans who made bad life choices," but there is a huge part of me that is intensely jealous and completely in awe of the work of art on his head, appropriately dubbed "Mount Spursmore."

    And anyway, he can always shave it off if he starts getting funny looks at work.

    I like to imagine the guy just walking up to his barber and making a totally casual request.

    Barber: Just the usual buzz, I presume?

    Guy: Actually, I was wondering if you could quickly shave onto my head detailed, shaded, realistic portraits of Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker and Kawhi Leonard, sort of Mount Rushmore style?

    Barber: Um...

    Guy: Hurry up though, I have a meeting in 20 minutes.

    In reality though, the barber, Joe Barajas, came up with the idea, and he's done many more like it

    If Oklahoma City ends up making it to the NBA Finals, I sincerely hope Barajas decides to top this with a "Mount Thundermore" cut—if only for the sake of using the word "Thundermore."

The Bills Fan Who Fell...Far

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    Sometimes, people do things that are so profoundly stupid that it's challenging to imagine what was going in their head.

    For no particular reason, the man in the video above, at a Buffalo Bills game, decides to have a little ride down the railing of the upper deck of the stadium. To the surprise of literally nobody, it doesn't end well.

    Fortunately, nobody was seriously injured in the incident, which leaves us to speculate exactly why he tried the stunt in the first place.

    A short list of possibilities:

    1. In a big hurry to beat the crowd to the popcorn stand.
    2. Drunk.
    3. Swept up by a huge gust of wind.
    4. Really drunk.
    5. Touchdown celebration.
    6. Extremely, inconceivably drunk.

    You decide.

The Guy Who Threw a Beer at Ron Artest

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    Ron Artest has since formally changed his name to Metta World Peace. Fitting, right?
    Ron Artest has since formally changed his name to Metta World Peace. Fitting, right?Allen Einstein/Getty Images

    Never wake a sleeping giant.

    While the Pacers' Ron Artest was (melodramatically) lying on the scorer's table after getting in a scuffle with the Pistons' Ben Wallace, a fan a few rows back thought it would be funny (it was) to toss his drink at Artest.

    The drink hit Artest square in the chest, and then...

    Well, you know what happens to Bruce Banner when he gets a little angry? Picture that.

    Artest stormed into the crowd, basically started attacking some fans and sparked the beginning of the most epic brawl in the history of the NBA.

The Seahawks Fan Who Got Her Head Tattooed

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    I've always had a lot of respect for fans who go above and beyond to display their dedication to a team.

    I've been to Green Bay Packers games at Lambeau Field in below-freezing temperatures and seen fans completely shirtless and covered in body paint. These men are revered as heroes.

    After the game, of course, they can go home, wash it all off and return to normal.

    Such was not the case for the woman who decided to get a "12th man" tattoo on the side of her head last season.

    Kenley Young of Fox Sports explained the purpose of the ink:

    [McKenzie Jane Brown] heard about a radio station contest -- courtesy of 98.3 The Key -- that was offering two tickets to Seattle's divisional playoff game vs. the New Orleans Saints to the fan who had the best Seahawks-themed photo.

    "I always wanted to have a Seahawks tattoo, but I didn't want a logo to interrupt the other tattoos," she told the [Tri-City] Herald. "That's why I felt the head would be perfect."

    So Brown shaved the left side of her head and let her tattoo-artist husband do the honors.

    Well, unfortunately things didn't quite work out, as she ended up placing second...behind a guy wearing a Batman mask and a Seahawks-colored blanket as a cape. 

    Though it has not been confirmed, I suspect the mask and cape will prove much easier to remove.

The Woman Who Insulted Dwight Howard Via Twitter

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    David J. Phillip/Associated Press

    Dwight Howard sent an important message to his fans last August.

    Don't. Mess. With. Me.

    An ill-advised troll on Twitter decided to attack the big man with a comment about the elusive NBA championship ring that he hasn't been able to get (and, to be fair, likely never will).

    😂😂u ain't never getting a ring “@DwightHoward@marcuskirk980 let it go. No need to dwell on the past”

    — Brittni (@uHateBre) August 7, 2013

    Howard didn't take too kindly to the insult and felt the need to fight right back, tweeting out a little jab of his own:

    @uHateBre with that face ion think u getting one either lol.

    — Dwight Howard (@DwightHoward) August 7, 2013

    That's right, Dwight! You show those fans who's boss!

    After all, when an attention-starved stranger says something mean on Twitter, obviously the only logical way for a famous person to react is to insult her appearance and marriage prospects.

...and Steve Bartman

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    MORRY GASH/Associated Press

    The sports fans listed up to this point have no doubt paid the consequences for their actions, enduring everything from criminal allegations to physical attacks from Ron Artest to mean Dwight Howard tweets. 

    No man, however, has had his life so profoundly turned upside by one simple act.

    When Steve Bartman reached for that infamous foul ball back in the 2003 NLCS, he didn't just alter his own life—he altered history.

    The power we have as sports fans is, indeed, immense. But as Uncle Ben once said to Spider-Man so long ago, "With great power comes great responsibility."

    Always remember to eat, drink, tweet, streak, vomit and reach for foul balls responsibly.

    Make a good life choice. Follow me on Twitter.