If you watched the NBA lottery drawing on Tuesday night, you learned two things: Mallory Edens is adorable, and the Cleveland Cavaliers are owned by a cult of old-money powerbrokers who sculpt world events in their favor.
Indeed, Dan Gilbert and the Cavs front office are Illuminati—or at least that’s what the Internet believes after watching Cleveland secure its second straight No. 1 draft pick.
How else do you explain the Cavaliers winning their third NBA lottery in four years? The team went into the drawing with a 1.7 percent chance of landing the first pick, a phenomenon that clearly points to its involvement in the seedy underworld of uber-billionaire shadow games.
All the signs are there.
Yes, it is crazy and/or insane with no brain. I was quick to dismiss these findings at first, but upon closer inspection, I’ve been able to draw some eerie parallels between Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and the sect of ultra-rich fixers responsible for most of the world’s assassinations and volcanic eruptions.
It’s only too clear to me now that Cleveland has colluded with a powerful, religious cult to acquire a college student for the franchise. There’s no other way to slice it.
Now, should it choose to hold on to the top spot, Cleveland will have the pick of its choice in the 2014 NBA draft.
We’ll have to wait and see what the Cavaliers do with their new golden ticket. Much conjecturing has occurred in the time since the drawing that this pick might be able to influence LeBron James to return to Cleveland.
If James does come back home, consider this question answered. Being able to bring the world’s greatest basketball player back to town after practically spitting on his name would officially confirm Dan Gilbert’s status as the uber-kaiser of the Illuminati.
Everything always goes Cleveland's way!