Hating Kobe: A Writer's Guide

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Hating Kobe:  A Writer's Guide
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Since the end of the 2009 NBA Finals, a lot of writers who have hated Kobe are no longer able to say that Kobe never won without Shaq. With Kobe’s personal problems behind him and a growing consensus that he is the current best player in the league, what is a sports writer who hates Bryant to do?  Fortunately there are a few strategies that can allow a sports writer to express that hatred while still pretending to be a serious analyst.

 

Kobe is not Michael Jordan

Seriously, they don’t even look alike. 

Not only that, but Michael could beat Kobe any time. Okay, well not now, but if Kobe were to go back in time Michael could beat him one on one. That could happen.

Besides, Michael was on the absolute worst team. He won all of his championships by himself.  His teammates used to sit in their stands and root for the other team, except for Pippen who sold beer and peanuts while guarding everyone on the court. 

Kobe had teammates who played but they sucked and weren’t as good as Michael's team that sucked even more.  Kobe only got his championships because he was surrounded by all-stars on a team that sucked but didn’t suck as bad as Michael's team that was one of the greatest ever.

Michael’s stats were so good that they are better than Kobe’s stats.  Who cares if Michaels stats aren’t as good as Kareem’s or Wilt’s, they are better than Kobe’s so that makes him the best ever. 

Forget about all that team play, Michael was a better scorer so there.  Everybody says that Michael was bigger but Michael actually had smaller feet than Kobe which makes him even more magical.

 

Kobe is a bad person

Nobody likes Kobe.  All of his teammates and ex-teammates who say he is a great guy are lying.  Commentators who say he is a great guy;  lying.  The only guy who really knows is Shaq because he had a feud with Kobe and even though he now says Kobe is a great guy he is lying.

Kobe was such a bad person that he broke up the Lakers and then reformed them because he wanted to humiliate them.  He made Phil Jackson go away in tears just so he could beat up Rudy Tomjonovich. 

He’d have gone all Kermit Washington on Rudy T but Kobe was so evil that he got the Lakers to make him a scout.  Then he got them to bring Jackson back and made him date Jeannie Buss.  He is evil.

The worst of all was when Kobe raped a virgin in Colorado whose only crime was that she had sex with four or five guys before Kobe.  It was such a clear cut case that the charges were dropped, not because Kobe might have been innocent but because he is pure evil. 

She was victimized by a legal system that considers people innocent until proven guilty.  Evil!

 

Kobe played on all star teams

Seriously, Rick Fox, Derrick Fisher, Trevor Ariza, Luke Walton.  Nobody can beat those guys. 

They are absolutely amazing.  Luke Walton’s father was an all star. 

It’s just not fair.  Michael Jordan didn’t even have a team, he just showed up by himself and played one on five, often with no shoes to cover his tiny magical feet.

Shaq owned the team when Kobe got his first championship.  Shaq used to score 120 points a game while Kobe would just run in occasionally and try to trip him.  Often Kobe would play for the other team and Shaq would have to lock him in his trunk at halftime.

 

Kobe is mentally unstable

Anyone who is driven to such perfection can’t be stable. Just look at Bill Russell. Hell Michael is an axe murderer, and have you ever noticed that you hardly ever see Cookie or Larry Bird’s wife.

They even made a movie about the devastating effects of the quest for perfection and how it perverts obsessive athletes.  Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective

 

Kobe has some kind of disease

All you have to do is just look at pictures of him in 2000 and now.  He looks like he’s nearly a decade older and he’s lost his hair.  I think its AIDS.

 

The Lakers will eventually lose

Take heart Kobe haters.  Eventually the Lakers will fail to win a championship and you can blame it on Kobe.  Until then, feel free to creatively use this guide as a sort of template to keep your hopes alive.

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