Strange things happen to a man when he’s so hungover that the hair of the dog is the only hope he has of staving off the shakes.
One is when you find yourself stumbling down a hall after having just vomited for the third time...and you see the most beautiful woman in the world (for that day, anyway) heading straight for you.
She says “Hi”—yet you can only grunt and say “Ehh”...while your heart and your stomach break at the same time.
Why is it I only run into the hots when I’m incapable of having a rational, coherent conversation?
And then even if I get her home, and our clothes magically fall off in my bedroom, I still have to go into the whole “it’s an ankle bracelet” bit rather than come clean and tell her, “I know it’s gonna hurt but if I take it off, I’m going to jail.”
Just for the record, I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Today's Must Reads
Yes dear readers, your favorite drunk is back...and it’s FOOTBALL TIME.
The NFL on Fox theme is on the mental jukebox, the cell phone ringer, and the doorbell. The local hospitals and North Dallas bartenders are on red alert, and I moved my parole check up to Tuesdays.
For you newbies, let me sum up the mystique:
If you’re the type of guy who prefers a cigarette, a beer, the first 10 minutes of SportsCenter, and a nap after sex—rather than some pointless post-coital cuddling with your girlfriend/wife/mistress (or maybe all three)—you’ve come to the right place.
Of course it goes without saying that the following pick AGAINST THE SPREAD is for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. The Liver’s picks are to cover the spread, not straight-up winners. Only Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Whoopi Goldberg, Tank Johnson, Bill Maas, and Travis Henry’s nine kids and nine mommas would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's pick.
Thursday, September 6th, 2007
New Orleans (+6) at Indianapolis
Damn, I can’t make any more Peyton Manning jokes...other than noting that he looks like a little goober when he has his helmet on.
Kind of makes me want to ask him to make his war face and shout at him, “You don’t scare me work on it!”...then watch him pee his pants.
I’m sure no one is happier than Peyton that he no longer has to answer the ever-redundant “Why can’t you win the big one?” question.
In any event, you couldn’t ask for a better opening game, as this one could be a potential Super Bowl preview. Definitely take the over here—hell, the loser could have 40 points.
Both of these teams have MVP-caliber QBs who aren’t prone to making careless mistakes. Unfortunately, their defenses aren’t nearly as competent. This should be a great shootout.
Pick: New Orleans
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about 1 year ago
What an idiot.
about 1 year ago
Hindisght is 20/20 jerk off. How bout you get out from your anonymous perch and make yourself known. If you're gonna spout off, have a pair between the legs. Otherwise you're embarrassing you're mother even further.
about 1 year ago
"Hindsight" and "your".....just in case you were a spelling bee champ anonymous
12 months ago
No,your not an alcaholic.Not a drunk either,because the drunks I know wouldn't pick the Saints over Indy,AT INDY you fool. No, you just need a really big reality check!!!
12 months ago
READ YOU FOOL.....THESE ARE PICKS AGAINST THE SPREAD NOT TO WIN....BUY SOME GLASSES....I DON'T MIND ASSHOLES LIKE YOU.....THE WORLD IS FULL OF THEM.....JUST LEARN TO READ
12 months ago
Why would you hope to duplicate a 130-120 record ATS? At the typical -110 juice most books charge, your record would put you in the red...
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