"Brett Favre is No. 4 for a reason! H'yuck h'yuck! Because his thing...he sent four pictures...You get it."
Yeah, we get it. All of us who fiend over sports like twisted junkies get that one, primarily because we love that kind of stuff when it arrives in the news. We love the sauce.
The sauce is the juicy stuff—the jokes, memes and mockery that follows the carnival of human error and goofiness in the sports industry. Every day a new scandal or trope arrives on the scene and we savor it for a while before letting it go. You have your fun and you move on, because no wants to be the one who kills the laughter.
The following is a number of cliched sports jokes your stupid friends enjoy murdering on a daily basis. For the sake of awareness, I've also included a character profile of the typical offenders involved.
To be clear, your friends may be smart. They may even be actual rocket scientists who sit in front of schematics and speak to people wearing helmets in space.
Regardless, there's always at least one person in every friend group who can't tell a joke to save their very soul. This one's for you, That Guy.
"Did you hear Tony Romo is getting married? Yeah, he tried to mail me an invite to the wedding but it was intercepted."
"[Tim Tebow tries to pass the Eucharist at church] [INTERCEPTED]."
The premise of this joke is that bad quarterbacks throw picks, and its execution involves shoehorning an interception line into every story about a struggling quarterback. It is generally posted as a meme.
Typical Offender: Will Ferrell parody accounts and/or Twitter users with a Bill Murray avatar and a topical line from Rounders as their biography.
"King James? More like the King of Flop! Hee hee!"
All bad flop jokes have one thing in common: an allusion to LeBron James.
In the joker's mind, every flop is relatable to LeBron, because LeBron invented flopping and does it all the time.
Typical Offender: The only people who ever utter a single word against LeBron James—"haters."
"Found out his wife is his first cousin instead of his second...Roll Tide!"
"Barners gonna barn!"
In an ironic twist, the fans most fixated on making cousin jokes seem to be those located in the rural South. These fans hurl "hillbilly" jibes back and forth, completely oblivious to the fact that they live 100 miles apart, share the same cultural values and are simply acting out a futile, backwoods rendition of the Capulets versus the Montagues.
Then again, they wear different colors on game day, so Roll Tide.
Typical Offender: The state of Alabama.
"Bo Wallace fumbled my other sign!"
"Georgia suspended my other sign!"
"Cthulhu the Worldeater transmogrified my other sign!"
These jokers are the ones who wake up early on Saturday, grab a Home Depot sign and begin brainstorming zingers as dreams of College GameDay fame dance in their skull.
Those dreams are promptly steeped in 10 ounces of McCormick's, however, and the end product is a hastily drawn up sign with scribbled addendum in the side margins.
Typical Offender: Your friend who went to law school in order to avoid reality.
Did Darrius Heyward-Bey mishandle a pass? Did Darrius Heyward-Bey walk on your television screen?
If so, check Twitter or text your dad. In no time, you'll find someone dropping this crusty, rusty jukebox line. In a better world, this joke would be served alongside a phosphate and a chocolate malt.
Typical Offender: Older neighbor who likes talking about sports and Obama's birth certificate.
"[Insert off-color priest joke here]"
What do monasteries, grade school and Pee Wee football leagues have in common? They're all places where Tebow would be better off, according to your stupid friend.
We've all had our fair share of laughs at Tebow's expense, but at this juncture there's precious fertile soil left for original critiques. If you can make a new joke about Tim Tebow, go for it. If not, you're just repeating the rosary. YEAAHH!
Typical Offender: Angry, generally short. Possibly has family in the Shire.
"I attend a school without a history of winning, but hold a 'We Want 'Bama' sign. The height of wit!"
Typical Offender: Co-worker who uses the term "cantankerous" in earnest while writing work emails.
"Catholics vs. Convicts."
"Catholics vs. Cousins."
"Catholics vs. Confederates."
Every time a Notre Dame team finds itself playing in a game of any consequence, a divorcee with a t-shirt press breaks out this age-worn template and begins pumping out horse blanket-sized tees for the Midwestern masses.
Typical Offender: Guy who sends Snapchats of his dinner.
[Sees pretty girl in crowd]
"Where's Brent Musburger when you need him??" [Nods knowingly] "You know what I'm saying...Say, you gonna finish that hot dog wrapper?"
Sportscaster Brent Musburger is well known for his appreciation of the female form, which means that any sighting involving an attractive young woman would be exponentially improved if it included his running commentary.
Well, they're not wrong about that last bit.
Typical Offender: Chad, who has never used the word "tentacle" in a SFW sentence.
Yeah, we've heard that Aaron Hernandez is in jail.
Typical Offender: Cousin who gave you dead arms when you visited your aunt's house but now has a lengthy rap sheet and should probably lay off the sauce.
The only thing worse than well-worn Michael Vick jokes are columnists who think his dog-abusing days present new fodder for public discussion.
Typical Offender: Roommate who doesn't watch sports but enjoys walking in front of the TV when the game is on.
Another topical scorcher fresh off the press of 2010, Brett Favre jokes were flying like arrows as we all drove to see Inception.
Typical Offender: Your friend's friend Derek, who got stoned at your place that one time and never returned your copy of Shaun of the Dead.
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