Anne-Marie Sorvin-USA TODAY Sports
Snowden: There was a time when the UFC unironically called itself "the Super Bowl of Mixed Martial Arts." Only the best of the best dared enter the hallowed Octagon. From top to bottom, cards were stacked with real fighters, either established veterans or prospects, with the potential to matter.
That's certainly not the case anymore. UFC Fight Night 33, airing live December 6 from Brisbane, Australia, will arguably be the most obscure UFC Fight Night of all time. This isn't the Super Bowl of MMA. It's not even the Chick-fil-A Bowl. Bout after bout will send even the hardest of hardcore fans to Wikipedia to look up the athletes.
Five of the fighters don't even have an entry in the online encyclopedia of record.
Krzysztof Jotko? Justin Scoggins? Ben Wall?
Who are you people? Unfortunately, we may never know. We'll have to make up our own backgrounds for the guys.
It will be fun! Jotko is a Polish soldier assigned to battle pirates on the Barbary Coast. Ben Wall is the lost clone of Spider-Man, only the Spider-Man from the ill-fated musical version. Scoggins is the student of Chinese monks, one of whom sacrificed his own life by showing young Justin the infamous death touch.
There are no limits here. These can be the most compelling fighters in UFC history! It's just up to us to make it so. I, for one, can't wait.
Dundas: You’ve never heard of Krzysztof Jotko? Noob!
The 24-year-old native of Elblag, Poland has been the toast of the Eastern European fight scene since his professional debut back in 2010. His epic battles with the likes of Krzysztof Sadecki, Przemyslaw Truszewski and Lukasz Nikolajczyk are considered legenda—nah, you're right; I've never heard of any of these guys, either.
But since I just looked Jotko up on Sherdog (as mentioned above, Jotko is also unknown to Wikipedia), I can tell you those are the actual names of men he’s defeated. I can also tell you that he has a chain-link fence tattoo on one arm and a pretty dope highlight vid on YouTube where the first three highlights are all takedowns.
Heck, though, the kid’s 13-0, so maybe he’s legit. I’m not going to totally bury him just because I’ve never heard of him. There was a time I’d never heard of Jon Jones.
I hear what you’re saying, though, it’s kind of hard to get fired up for a UFC event when you don’t recognize 75 percent of the names on the card. The cure for what ails us could be on the way in the form of the UFC’s new “digital distribution network.” At this point, the company is all but admitting that by this time next year the Jotkos, Scogginses and Walls of the world will be relegated to live stream-only cards it doesn’t actually expect us to watch.
Personally, that suits me just fine.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the buddy cop comedy pilot I’m developing for Fox. It’s called: Wall and the Scogg-Dogg.