Every Premier League Team as a Band

Ryan Bailey@ryanjaybaileyFeatured ColumnistNovember 11, 2013

Every Premier League Team as a Band

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    Footballers and famous musicians have plenty in common: They get paid obscene amounts of money, they play to stadiums of adoring fans and they're both partial to a terrible fashionable haircut.

    The similarities between those at the top of the charts and the top of the table do not end there. We've taken it upon ourselves to imagine who each Premier League team would be if they were a band...

Arsenal: Coldplay

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    Much like Coldplay, Arsenal are known internationally, they are lead by a man with a penchant for cutting-edge dietary regimes and they have both been accused of being pretty boring in the past. 

    Also, they've both been known to put on a good show at The Emirates.

Aston Villa: Duran Duran

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    Duran Duran are from the midlands and were big in the 80s. If there is a better musical comparison to Aston Villa, we've yet to hear it.

    All together now: "His name's Brad Guzan and he dances on the sand..."

Cardiff: Super Furry Animals

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    Not only are Welsh rockers Super Furry Animals from Cardiff, but they are utterly eccentric, completely unpredictable and prone to wearing strange outfits.

    The same could be said for Cardiff City under barmy owners Sam Hammam and Vincent Tan.


    Side note: Wasn't TFI Friday brilliant?

Chelsea: One Direction

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    One is a group of young men who have been brought into the world by a famous maligned millionaire and globally exploited for all possible marketing opportunities. The other is One Direction. 

Crystal Palace: Mötley Crüe

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    Crystal Palace reached their peak more than two decades ago, and they've made several attempts at comebacks to the top, but none of them seem to last very long.

    Sounds a little like the career path of Los Angeles rockers Mötley Crüe.

    There's also a gauche joke in there somewhere about them both being fond of birds. 

Everton: The Cure

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    Much like The Cure, Everton were better looking and more successful in the 1980s. 

    Through their legacy, popularity and uncanny talent, both The Toffees and Robert Smith's legendary outfit are still highly regarded today. 

Fulham: Thin Lizzy

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    Like Fulham, Thin Lizzy were popular in the '70s and had many famous faces among their line-up. Since, then, they have both endured very mixed fortunes.

    These days, both entities are still going, but none of the people who made them popular are still involved. 


Hull: Kaiser Chiefs

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    Kaiser Chiefs may be named for a South African team, but they are more similar to a Premiership side a little closer to home.

    Both the Kaisers and Hull are from Yorkshire, they both have enough talent to rise to the top on occasion, but their moment in the sun is often fleeting and they are ultimately punching above their weight. 

Liverpool: Red Hot Chili Peppers

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    The Red Hot Chili Peppers were brilliant in the '80s and '90s, and although they can still fill stadiums, they are a lot less relevant and exciting these days. A bit like Liverpool.

Manchester City: Kings of Leon

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    For their first three albums, Kings of Leon had little popularity but had many admirers for their occasional flashes of brilliance—a bit like Manchester City in the '90s with Georgi Kinkladze. 

    Then, in 2008, they suddenly enjoyed global popularity and had lots of money—just like Manchester City and their new Arab ownership. 

Manchester Utd: Van Halen

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    By 1985, Van Halen had become one of the most successful rock bands in the world, thanks in part to their talismanic singer Dave Lee Roth.

    When the singer stepped aside for Sammy Hagar, the band lost a lot of their flair—and success.

    The plight of 1980s Van Halen has many parallels with that of Manchester Utd, who are bedding in with David Moyes after the iconic Ferguson era.

    Could Fergie return in a few years time for a reunion tour just like Dave?

Newcastle: Insane Clown Posse

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    Newcastle owner Mike Ashley decided to give Alan Pardew an eight-year contract, then he made Joe Kinnear a director of football—who then tried to sign one of his own players.

    Meanwhile, the club's public relations department banned local journalists for reporting on a fan demonstration. 

    Even their own fans think they are an insane clown posse. 

    Is this similarity why the Detroit rap duo wear black and white face paint? 

Norwich: Foo Fighters

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    Norwich and the Foo Fighters both keep stadiums entertained, but in slightly different ways.

    The biggest comparison between the Canaries and the Foos is in their leader. Dave Grohl used to play at the back and now he is the front man, and widely regarded as the nicest man in rock 'n' roll.

    Chris Hughton also used to play at the back and now he is Norwich's front man, who also happens to be considered the nicest man in his profession. 

Southampton: AC/DC

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    When AC/DC lead singer Bon Scott passed away in 1980, many wondered how the Australian rock band would continue. They immediately bounced back with Back in Black, their biggest album to date. 

    Southampton have gone through a similarly successful rebirth upon the firing of Nigel Adkins and hiring of Mauricio Pochettino. 

Stoke: The Pogues

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    Like The Pogues, Stoke aren't particularly pretty to look at, but they enjoy a decent amount of success and are always a force to be reckoned with around Christmas time. 

Sunderland: Stone Temple Pilots

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    Sunderland recently dismissed their completely unpredictable and crazy leader Paolo Di Canio.

    Stone Temple Pilots recently dismissed their completely unpredictable and crazy leader Scott Weiland.

    Sunderland are generally regarded as being in Newcastle's shadow, but they occasionally come out to bask in the light of glory.

    Stone Temple Pilots are generally regarded as being in Pearl Jam's shadow, but they occasionally come out to bask in the light of glory. 


Swansea: Wilco

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    Chicago-based indie rockers Wilco have been around for many years; they're not scared to be a bit experimental and hipsters absolutely love them.

    Sound familiar?

Tottenham: Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

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    Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young were a supergroup made up of formidable talent, but they were never quite the same without their best "player" Neil Young.

    Perhaps this season's Bale-less Tottenham team are more like CSN than CSNY. 

West Brom: Big Star

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    If you've never heard of Big Star, then you are in the majority. They were a power pop band from Memphis whose first two albums, #1 Record and Radio City are absolute works of art that received a huge cult following and media praise, but most people didn't buy them.

    In this sense, they are like West Brom: critically acclaimed and doing all the right things, but ultimately unsuccessful. 

West Ham: The Rolling Stones

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    We're constantly reminded of how good they were in the '60s, and they remain popular, but they haven't really done anything too significant in the past 20 years.

    The previous sentence could describe both The Rolling Stones and West Ham Utd.  


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