Los Matadores and the 10 Worst Ring Outfits of All Time

David Bixenspan@davidbixFeatured ColumnistSeptember 4, 2013

Los Matadores and the 10 Worst Ring Outfits of All Time

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    Say what you will about the new Los Matadores gimmick WWE has been teasing for Primo and Epico, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad if they didn't have those masks.  Look at those things.

    They're ugly.  They look cheap.  And why are they pink?  They'd be just fine in the matador outfits with traditional wrestling masks.  Even Zorro-style masks would be better.

    Awful costumes like that can kill a gimmick.  In no particular order, and not counting anything intentionally bad (like Bastion Booger's outfit), let's look at some of the worst.

"The Portuguese Man 'O War" Aldo Montoya

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    Let's get this one out of the way.

    If Los Matadores' masks were yellow and had a chin strap instead of tying in the back, they'd look exactly like Aldo Montoya.  Portrayed by P.J. "Justin Credible" Polaco, it was never clear what his deal was.  Why did a guy using his ostensible real name wear a mask?  Was he a jellyfish?  Was he a soccer player?

    And why, oh why was he wearing a jock strap on his face?

    He never had a prayer of getting over with that mask.  It made him look like a loser and he was never able to overcome it.

The Ultimate Warrior's Muscle Suit

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    The Ultimate Warrior left WWE after SummerSlam '91.

    By early 1992, the company had started extensive drug tests, mainly to eradicate steroid abuse.

    That spring, at WrestleMania 8, a noticeably slimmer Hulk Hogan closed the show against Sid Justice (Sid Eudy, AKA Sid Vicious and Sycho Sid).  When Papa Shango interfered, Warrior made a surprise return to make the save.

    Like Hogan, Warrior looked much different.  While he was ripped, he was much smaller than before.  He also had a new haircut.  Somehow this led to rumors that there was a new Ultimate Warrior.

    After a few months, someone (I don't know if it was Vince McMahon or Warrior himself) decided to try to trick fans into thinking he had gotten bigger again by putting him in the singlet you see here.  Yes, those are airbrushed flesh colored muscles.

    I totally forgot that the "muscles," in spite of the coloring, were actually designed as under the skin muscles.  I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse.  Hopefully WWE learned from the negative reaction to this outfit, though...

Giant Gonzalez

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    Oh, right.

    Jorge Gonzalez was a freakishly tall (legit 7'7") basketball player for the Argentine national team who was drafted to the Atlanta Hawks in 1988.  He turned out to be too slow for the NBA and blew out his knee.  He was moved to elsewhere within the Turner Broadcasting (now parent company of Bleacher Report) to become a wrestler in WCW, where he was named El Gigante.  They hoped he would be the next Andre the Giant, but he wasn't that kind of athlete and personality.

    • He debuted in WWE in 1993 by attacking The Undertaker in the Royal Rumble.  It was obviously the same guy, but there were three key differences:
    • He grew a beard.
    • He wore lifts in his boots so WWE could bill him as "8-feet tall."
    • He was wearing an airbrushed muscle suit with patches of airbrushed fur strategically placed, including over his crotch.

    Universally considered a nice guy, he was a terrible wrestler and he was gone after the first week of October.

That Thing The Rock Wore When He Started

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    For his first couple months in WWE as Rocky Maivia, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson came to the ring in a...robe?  Tasseled cape?  Body dress?  I have no idea what to call it.  It was a bunch of tassels.

    I guess it was supposed to evoke his Samoan heritage in some form, but it just made him like like a dork.

Jeff Jarrett's Strappy Thing

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    From 1993 to 1998, Jeff Jarrett wore THAT along with matching long tights.

    That is all.

Knock Knock. Who's There? BRADEN WALKER.

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    This is bad in a different way.

    There were a bunch of reasons why Chris Harris failed as Braden Walker in WWE.

    Some of them were WWE's fault: He was giving an awful name and put on TV cold after an even worse backstage skit.

    Some of them were his fault, as his in-ring wrestling was awful and he gained a lot of weight after leaving TNA.

    I don't know who exactly should be blamed for the singlet he wore, but it made him look like he put on twice as much poundage around the middle as he actually did.  Dear God, that thing is unflattering.  Would you wrestle in that thing?  It looks like it was specially designed to make him have a bigger gut.

Monsther and Chucky

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    No, that's not a typo: His name was Monsther.  AAA promoter Antonio Pena loved to add random letters to come up with trademarkable names (see also "Miss Janeth").

    Antonio Pena, the legendary promoter and booker behind AAA in Mexico, loved his wacky characters, and he often gave them to established wrestlers.  Monsther was previously best known as Hombre Bala, a member of the legendary family of pirate-gimmick wrestlers that also includes brothers Pirata Morgan and Verdugo as well as nephew Rey Bucanero.

    Anyway: MONSTHER.  He was supposed to be a monster (and yes, "Monsther" is supposed to be pronounced "monster"), but he had an abominably bad costume.  He actually faired well as an undercard attraction for years, though.

    Chucky fared better in the costume department, but I'm not sure you can say he fared well.  Based on the movie character of the same name, he started by dying his hair orange and working unmasked, but it didn't really work out.

    I'm honestly not sure which look was better, though.  I'm not a fan of those anthropomorphic Lucha Libre masks.  They're too creepy.

Super Archie

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    See what I mean?

    This thing gave me nightmares and ruined my childhood memories of Archie and Jughead.

Moose Cholak

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    Moose Cholak was actually a hell of a super heavyweight pro wrestler who wrestled and moved like a much smaller man.  Long before Andre the Giant, Vader, Bam Bam Bigelow, Big Bossman, One Man Gang and others, he was a big star in the original TV boom of pro wrestling.

    He was fairly gimmicky for the era, coming to the ring wearing a giant moose's head.  Sometimes other wrestlers would have to hold it up.  If it made him a bigger attraction back in the day, more power to him.  He still looked ridiculous.  Thankfully, most promoters in wrestling history learned not to put giant animal heads on guys they wanted to get over as killers.


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