Gary Bettman vs. Jim Balsillie Brawl

That's something we'd all like to see on ESPN or Hockey Night In Canada. Some might even pay to see it on Versus.

Picture this: a staged fight between periods at a hockey game...

In one corner, at over 5'0", born in the U.S.A., Gary "The Count" Bettman.

And in the other corner, wearing his hockey equipment and uniform, representing the Great White North, it's Jim "BlackBerry" Balsillie.

If I were a betting man, my money would be on the billionaire. But man, you have to hope it's not like a hockey fight, with one punch and a jersey pulled over a head.

Imagine the play-by-play: "Balsillie takes three strides, three more, and launches himself in the air like Alex Ovechkin..."

"He hits him in the head with a flying elbow smash that rearranges his orbital bones. It looks like Bashear and Blair out there..."

“Wait a minute! What's this? It's a bench-clearing brawl!”

The NHL GMs leap over the board, coming to Bettman's rescue.

Hold on a second—Balsillie's making a call on his BlackBerry. The NHL GMs' BlackBerries are all going off at the same time!

Oh! He's texted them with an offer to buy the Toronto Maple Leafs and move them to New Mexico!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the New Mexico Maple Leafs! Santa Fe has the newest NHL franchise in that hockey hot-bed called the American Sunbelt.

Bettman is now kissing Balsillie!

And I'm outta here!