1. Miami Dolphins: Edyta Sliwinska
One of the most underrated additions to the Patriots last season was QB GF Gisele Bundchen. You’d be surprised how much adding an insanely hot female can do for a team. Jason Taylor’s partner on DWTS fits the bill. Instantly she adds an element of hotness that has not been seen in Miami since Larry Csonka.
2. St. Louis Rams: A Move Back To Los Angeles
That’s about what it would take to make the Rams of any interest to me at all. Marc Bulger, yeah he’s okay. Stephen Jackson, sure he’s good when he’s not hurt. Who plays defense for them? Is Tory Holt still there? I’ve lost track completely. Come back to LA. I’ll buy season tickets. Seriously.
3. Atlanta Falcons: Hong Kong Phooey
The Falcons have some serious damage control to do with the canine community and what better way to do that than draft one of the most famous dogs in history. The jury is still out if Kung Fu prowess translates to the NFL gridiron but his crimefighting skills would be an added bonus to a team trying to repair its image.
4. Oakland Raiders: Suze Orman
After their performance in this years Free Agent Market is there another team more in need of sound financial advice than the Raiders? Suze would not only bring that but a level of attitude that Al Davis loves.
5. Kansas City Chiefs: Jake Long, T Michigan
The Chiefs are almost as boring as the Rams and nearly as bad too so I’ve got them taking an actual football player. Wake me up when Herm Edwards starts waxing poetic and Larry Johnson gets upset about something. Either of which should be happening in 3…2…1…
6. New York Jets: John Edward Thomas Moynihan
Who’s that you ask? Tom Brady’s seven-month old son. Look the Jets aren’t beating the Pats until the get a quarterback and since the Jets raid just about every former Pat that’s out there why not go ahead of the curve and get this tike? He can probably already outthrow Chad Pennington.
7. New England Patriots: Luca Brazzi
He will immediately be flown to Hawaii after the draft to find a certain Assistant Golf Pro for a “talk”. Should he return from that trip he could probably shore up the offensive line. Might be needed at a later date for Arlen Specter and/or Eric Mangini.
8. Baltimore Ravens: Richard Simmons
The Ravens are in serious need of some anger counseling and who better to cheer up these angry dudes than Richard? He would bring a ray of sunlight to all those angry Raven players and inspire them to not only get in better shape (to the oldies) but also get those fros grown out in style.
9. Cincinnati Bengals: Dr. Drew
The Bengals need to clean up their act and Dr. Drew is just the man to get it done. Not only is he a skilled therapist he’s also kinda jacked and has this weird sex appeal to women which the lonely girls of Ohio desperately need. He might even help Carson Palmer develop a personality.
10. New Orleans Saints: Kim Kardashian’s Ass
With Reggie Bush dating her this one should be a no brainer, especially if her ass can play cornerback.
11. Buffalo Bills: A Dome
Of all the disasters in the AFC lEast the Bills are the closest to turning the ship around. Too bad they’re on their way to playing their games in Canada. Here’s why they draft a dome, to show Buffalonians that you don’t always have to be freezing your ass off at a professional sporting event. Warmth = Ticket Sales.
12. Denver Broncos: Bill S. Preston & Ted Theodore Logan
Get in the phonebooth, look up 1997 and dial it into the keypad. Hello Terrell Davis and John Elway!
13. Carolina Panthers: Kate Beckinsale
The Panthers might as well grab the hot actress that most resembles them as a team. People tell you how great she is and she sure looks good but when it comes down to crunch time (see Underworld: Evolution) you wonder what the hell people were talking about.
14. Chicago Bears: Matt Ryan, QB Boston College
I can’t even make fun of the Bears anymore. Just draft a quarterback and then we’ll talk.
15. Detroit Lions: Nostradamus
Enough with Jon Kitna and his predictions. Get Nostradamus in there to tell them what the rest of the world already knows: 6-10.
16. Arizona Cardinals: New Mascot (TBD)
The Cardinals need a professional sports do-over and what better way than changing their mascot. There are two too many professional sports franchises named after maybe the most unintimidating bird in Jack Hannah’s Wild America. How about the Flame Throwers? Wouldn’t you instantly have new respect for the franchise?
17. Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson
They are nothing without him so they have to draft him again just to make sure they got him the first time.
18. Houston Texans: Cooper Manning
Yawn, Houston hasn’t even reached the “will surprise some teams this year” level. Last year they were at least somewhat respectable so why not add the third and final Manning brother to a receiving corps that needs it. Maybe then ESPN would actually care about them.
19. Philadelphia Eagles: Comcast
How can a team draft a corporation you ask? Well when you have a Senator pulling for you anything is possible. This way Arlen Specter is able to root for all his favorite things in one place.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Bride of Chucky
Jon Gruden seems like he needs someone who can satisfy him while working all those long hours at the stadium. If she can play quarterback she’s even more of a shoe-in.
21. Washington Redskins: Piglet
It’s the latest in a long list of failed attempts to capture some of that old 80’s glory. Piglet isn’t necessarily one of the old school Hogs but when you’re the only team actually OVER the salary cap you do what you have to do.
22. Dallas Cowboys: Newlyweds DVD for Tony Romo
Some might think it’s the waste of a draft pick to get the first season of this failed Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson gem of an MTV show. But once Romo sees what it’s like to be married to Simpson she’s going to look a whole lot less hot. Romo Not Buried in Boobs = Wins.
23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Towlie
You’ve heard of the Terrible Towels, well it’s time to update them with someone who can get high and give them some more good ideas like riding a motorcycle without a helmet and making predictions of victory before playing the Patriots.
24. Tennesee Titans: A Clue
Does someone down there in Tennesee have a plan? Anyone? Anyone?
25. Seattle Seahawks: The 13th Man
You’ve heard of their 12th Man up there in Seattle, but 12 ain’t cutting it even in the soft NFC West. Hopefully the 13th Man won’t pull a Shaun Alexander after signing a big fat deal.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars: A Dark Horse
As the regular season came to an end in 2007 the Jags were everyone’s “Dark Horse”, with a couple experts on ESPN going so far as to predict they would knock off the Patriots. Until they can convincingly beat the Colts in Indy I remain unconvinced. If they had a dark horse actually on their team everyone calling them the dark horse would be less annoying and actually appropriate.
27. San Diego Chargers: Muzzles
The Chargers are pretty good and if they’d just shut their mouths they might actually sneak up on some teams. Philip Rivers is currently #1 on my “NFL Player I’d Most Like to Punch in the Face” list and LDT isn’t far behind him.
28. Dallas Cowboys: Ms. Pacman
Jerry Jones wants the real Pacman but lets be honest, he’s not getting back into the NFL until he starts dancing for the Commish. And not dancing like the Rippers do in the clubs Pacman is so fond of. Ms. Pacman is the next best option in the Pac Men family.
29. San Francisco 49ers: Rice & Montana
This is as close as the 9ers are getting to being good again.
30. Green Bay Packers: Bert Favor
It’s going to be a long climb to the top unless a certain recently-retired quarterback finds some Just For Men and a quickie course in identity theft.
31. New York Giants: Vicki the Robot from “Small Wonder”
The Giants need to have Vicki freeze time on 2/3/08 then kill her. Hopefully that won’t undo her freezing powers because Eli Manning will never put four games together like he did this year again. Savor it Giants fans. Savor it.