First, start by taking all of your magazines with MLB predictions and burn them.
Next, grab your television, yank the cord from its socket, and throw it out a second-story window.
If you feel that is too harsh, then simply leave it on the street with a sign that reads “take me.”
While you’re at it, pick up a sledgehammer with the sole purpose of destroying your laptop and/or desktop computer.
Do this because they are all lying to you.
That’s right; ESPN commentators such as Rob Neyer and Peter Gammons will talk heartily and throw stats our way under the guise of being knowledgeable when their real agenda is one of deception.
I already went as far as passing my Sporting News Magazine MLB season preview edition, the one with both David Wright and Alex Rodriguez on the cover, to the man who picks up my recyclables at 5:30 a.m. on Wednesday mornings. (He was a bit surprised to see me standing there in my robe and boxer shorts)
I did this because even though we are only one sixth of the way through the 2009 Major League Baseball season, there have been far too many strange occurrences thus far.
Events such as these lead me to believe that things on the surface aren’t quite as they appear.
The only rational explanation I have for them was something I saw in the sitcom Seinfeld and introduced long ago by comic book icon Superman; MLB has entered Bizarro World.
Only in Bizarro World could the Blue Jays lead baseball’s toughest division, the American League East.
Even though Boston is hot on their tail and seems intent on overtaking them, the Blue Jays have used the red hot bats of Adam Lind, Aaron Hill, Rod Barajas, and a revitalized Scott Rolen to lead the AL in average, runs scored, total bases and slugging percentage.
They are also second in walks.
They are doing this despite a pitching staff that lost A.J. Burnett to the New York Yankees via free agency. They are without talented righties Shaun Marcum and Dustin McGowan, out after having shoulder surgeries.
After the great Roy Halladay, the Jays sport a rotation of untested youngsters and interchangeable parts. Right now, youngsters such as Ricky Romero, Brett Cecil and Robert Ray and journeyman Scott Richmond are in place.
Other happenings in baseball’s Bizarro World include the Texas Rangers and Seattle Mariners slugging it out for the division crown while the two favorites, the Angels and Oakland languish in third and last in a weak American League West.
In the AL Central, the Kansas City Royals are a force to be reckoned with led by the best pitcher in all the land so far; Zach Greinke who is 6-0 with a 0.40 ERA.
To understand how completely dominant he has been. Greinke has pitched 45 innings and allowed exactly two earned runs.
Still need more proof of his greatness? Greinke has struck out 54 and given up only 30 hits while walking eight during this period.
Not bad for a pitcher who almost quit baseball due to anxiety and depression issues a few years ago.
In fact, in the American League, favorites seemed to be cursed. The Yankees, Tampa Bay Rays, Indians, A’s, and Angels are all under .500.
The incidents are not subject to the American League alone.
Ryan Franklin and Heath Bell have eight and nine saves, respectively, with an earned run average of zero.
Ryan Franklin who converted only 17-of-25 save chances last season. Bell who has helped the Padres make a seamless transition from the all-time saves leader Trevor Hoffman.
The Florida Marlins have played 29 games and already have winning streaks of seven, four, and three countered by losing streaks of seven, and three twice. Hence, a 15-14 record.
Only in Bizarro World could Bengie Molina have a nice .295 batting average and a putrid .293 on base percentage.
How is that possible? Bengie has 28 hits in 95 at-bats with three sacrifice flies and zero walks and has never been hit by pitch.
In baseball most things will even out over the course of 162 games. Call it the law of averages, if you will.
For now, I am going to live in the moment and so far everything on the Major League level seems very surreal.