Fake Apps Athletes Should Make
Dwyane Wade recently debuted his own application promoting in-home fitness, and it's only a matter of time until the trend catches on in sports.
But before athletes go scrambling for ideas concerning their personal applications, I'd like to throw a few of mine out there. I'm no web designer, so I'm just reaching for the stars here, but that's how innovation happens, everyone—by hiking up your dress and taking chances.
These are the applications that athletes and fans need, whether they realize it or not.
Bryce Harper: Wall Alert
Tired of running face-first into partitions? Can’t seem to keep your molars out of the drywall?
Have no fear because Bryce Harper and Google Earth have collaborated to bring smartphone users Wall Alert—the latest and greatest in wall-locating technology.
Preloaded with the physical parameters of every major league ball park, Wall Alert lets you know when you’re getting too close to walls by sending you an audible alert to your phone in the form of actor Danny DeVito. When you hear DeVito's voice yelling, “WAAALLL!” through your phone, you know it’s time to slow down and look in front of you.
Stop living in fear of surfaces perpendicular to the ground. Download Wall Alert now.
User Feedback: “My face hasn’t felt this good since high school! Thanks, Wall Alert!”
Sidney Crosby: Complainstagram
Feeling targeted? Have a beef with someone but don’t want to ball up and settle it right there in front of everyone?
Complain after the fact with Complainstagram, brought to you by Sidney Crosby, in collaboration with Puffs facial tissues.
Complainstagram’s patented facial recognition technology makes pouting a breeze—simply open the application on your smartphone, start whining and zammo! Your mewling will be recorded, your voice will be altered and the message will be sent anonymously two weeks later, to make sure the party you’re upset with won’t be around to confront you (should they figure out who sent it).
For an extra 99 cents you can add the song “Miss You” by Blink 182 as a soundtrack for your Complainstagram.
User Feedback: “I don’t have to say it to Zdeno Chara’s face?? A++!”
Anderson Silva: Smart Stare
So you’re weighing in for a big UFC fight, and you’ve got a problem: you're staring down your opponent, but you don’t know how close to get.
Do you go 50 percent and meet them halfway? Go the whole 100?
You don’t want to look chicken, but mushing mouths with the man you’re about to engage in combat with is awkward and a good way to spread germs.
In comes Smart Stare, the easy, no-hassle application recently pioneered by GoPro with the help of UFC legend Anderson Silva. SmartStare allows fighters to measure the distance for a close but respectably menacing staredown. Both fighters open the app, hold their phones in front of their noses and shuffle forward until they hear the application’s “Whoa there, pal” alert.
Stop missing the mark, and start doing machismo the right way today (does not prevent cockiness leading to knockouts).
User Feedback: "I knew there was a better way!"
Chad Johnson: Angry Judges
Do something dumb like slap your attorney on the butt in a court of law? Did it get you some unexpected jail time?
Thank God for Angry Judges, the newest craze in smartphone strategy games. Developed by former NFL wide receiver Chad Johnson while serving time in the Broward County Jail, Angry Judges combines the addicting gaming features of your favorite inertia-based puzzle games with friendly reminders concerning proper courtroom etiquette.
User Feedback: “I CAN’T chest bump the court reporter?”
Warren Sapp: SappChat
It’s like SnapChat, but instead of sending private steamy messages to your crush, it’s a one-way portal where Warren Sapp sends you pictures and videos.
Get exclusive videos of Sapp eating ham, downgrading Michael Strahan and finding his “lost” Super Bowl ring. When will Sapp update you? Maybe in an hour, maybe after a couple Mai Tais! This is what all-access is all about!
User Feedback: “Why did I do this to myself?"
LeBron James: iFlop
Welcome to the future of falling over. Welcome to iFlop.
LeBron James, Apple and the Wright Brothers’ great-great-grandnieces have collaborated to bring you a phone-based application aimed at answering one of the most elemental questions facing modern civilization:
Did they flop?
Utilizing cutting edge developments in global positioning technology and heart rate monitoring, iFlop measures users’ inertia and compares it to physical responses from their body.
Just insert the bluetooth iFlop balance chip into your LeBron basketball shoes (not included), strap your phone around your chest and iFlop can tell if you’re flopping or not. As soon as you begin to topple, the Nike swoosh will light up. If it’s green, you’re in the clear! But if it’s red, a $5,000 fine shows up on your iTunes account (if you're not a superstar).
User Feedback: “Until this app has six stars, it can't even be in the same conversation as Jordify."
Miguel Cabrera: Cabrera Crush
Like Candy Crush, but more addictive and just as time consuming.
Every day, Cabrera Crush brings you at least one video of Miguel Cabrera crushing a ball deep. There’s also a “Banyo Mode” that uses GPS to automatically cue up the latest Cabrera highlights on your screen any time you enter a bathroom.
You sit down to do your business, pull out your phone and—BOOM—baseball highlights from the big time hitter are already queued up.
User Feedback: “So clutch.”
Andy Murray: Mum-Dar
The pinnacle in mother-finding technology.
If you’re like Andy Murray, and you occasionally have trouble locating the woman who birthed you in the aftermath of a historic victory, Mum-Dar is the app for you.
Simply download the app on your phone and your mother’s phone (help her with that), sync up the application and bang—“Where’s mum?” turns into “There’s mum” at the touch of a button.
User Feedback: “Decent app, but looking forward to Antonio Cromartie’s “Single Mum-Dar.”
Johnny Manziel: Sitter
Are you a 20-year-old sports superstar? Are you tired of trying to document your fleeting youth while total strangers deride your every move?
If so, Sitter is the social media answer for you. Utilizing patented behavior-evaluating algorithms, Sitter (short for babysitter) identifies Twitter users who are joyless, oversensitive buzzkills and alters your tweets to fit with their ideal concept of who you should be.
Tweeting a spring break picture through Sitter means your close friends and cool family will see you at El Squid Roe, but the whiny general public will instead receive an image of you studying a playbook in a church pew.
Sitter—"The babysitter nosy people want you to have; the privacy application YOU deserve.
User Feedback: “All the d-bags and trolls...they’re...they're GONE!”